Boho Girl

I think we made a good choice with this move, non? ; ) Look at him. Oh how I adore this wild child.

I have many posts to come. So much inner stuff going on that I would love to process in this space. But I do notice that living here, spending more time as a family, being outside most of the day and watching Cedar thrive…has taught me the essence of truly LIVE-ing. I am walking, breathing, feeling, BEing…more in the moment, you know?

I have less time to sit and process because of all this. Not to mention, Cedar seems to no longer need his two hour daytime nap. Ohmygosh! Talk about an adjustment for mama. That was always MY space to blog or clean or process. Now by the time he is indeed ready for bed, we are all under the spell of a nature drunk exhausted feeling.

But I miss being here. I miss sharing more of my life here. I know I am still in a space of getting settled and finding my way but I am writing this post as another way of reminding myself how important this space is to me. To my family. To my heart. To my journey.

I feel so much peeling and healing going on. Also so many new layers of elements I am not used to and trying to find my center with. This I will share soon.

Until then…perhaps you can try to bottle up his joy from this screen and drink it like a tincture. I know I will.

Cedar does this so often. He wants me to sit and watch as he runs down a hill, towards me, then on top of me…to end with a mini boy hug (aka wrestle on the ground). I thought it would be fun to capture it today.

Lately I have discovered the wonder of audio books. Since Cedar came into our lives, I have not had the attention span, nor the time, to sit and read a book. I can skim through it quickly or jump around only to read a few sentences before I end up falling asleep or distracted in some way. I don’t know why it took me so long to come up with the idea of listening to an audio book while doing chores or hanging with Cedar. It’s brilliant!!! And I love that he is being read to as well. Although, the one I save for his nap time is “Connection Parenting…Parenting through Connection Rather than Coercion and Love instead of Fear” by Pam Leo.  Oh man, this one is full of wisdom that wraps around my heart and hugs it tight.  I find myself weepy while doing laundry and picking up his toys from ideas that resonate so deeply with me and also comfort my inner little girl.

So far, here are a few gems that I wrote down.  Will share more soon…

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“We are less likely to pass on our past hurts to our children when we do our own healing work.”

“Once we understand that uncooperative behavior is a communication of a child’s unmet need, a hurt, or a response to an adults unrealistic expectation, we do not have to take the behavior so personally.”

“We create a strong bond over time when we lovingly and consistently meet our child’s needs.”

“When we learn to relate in ways that show children that their needs and feelings matter,  we strengthen the bond and avoid power struggles.”

“Very young children learn conflict resolution when we model it.”

“We teach children that every one’s needs are important by honoring their needs.  From our example, they learn to honor other’s needs.”

“Children are delightful to be with when their needs are being met and nothing is hurting them.”

“Whenever a child responds negatively to a reasonable request,  we look for a hidden hurt or the unmet need.  Once we acknowledge every one’s needs, we can work on problem solving.”

“I’ve learned to say…‘When you behave that way, I know something is wrong.  We love each other and people who love each other don’t treat one another this way. Can you tell me what you need or what is hurting you?’  If I can remember to stop and ask that one simple question, it changes the whole concept of the power struggle.  That question communicates “I love you and what you feel is important to me.”

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Such good stuff…and really resonates with my soul.  I find myself so much more present with Cedar these days.  So much more forgiving of myself in those moments when I am more reactive and then I hold him and talk with him about it.  I feel as though my mind and heart are opening wider to who Cedar is and what triggers him and how I can do my best to create an environment where he feels seen and heard and loved consistently.  Right now this mama business is SO my greatest teacher.

{me in angela’s room at the farmhouse.  yet another kissy photo}

I’m here. I promise.

I arrived home from my sister’s farm the night before last. I feel like I have been living out of a suitcase for the past month. We are settling in. Unpacking slowly. Laundry. Deep breathing. Restoring with sleep. And nurturing a very emotional boy. His two year molars are coming in (ouch!). He also has had a lot of change over the last four weeks with travel to and fro. Change can be hard for Toddlers. Being at the farm was healing for him in that he is SO crazy-loved by my family and of course that just makes a mama’s heart swell to bursting. I remember my sister saying to me and my marmie “Cedar coming into our lives was the start of so much change and healing”. I welled up with tears. I felt blessed and in awe of the gifts he shares with my family.

I apologize for being quiet here.  I am exhausted and in need of restoration. There is so much whirling around in both me and my husband’s hearts and minds. So much transformation ahead of us with preparing for our move and starting a whole new life. I wonder how I can fit it all in over the next 6 months. We have so much to declutter. I would love to arrive in Washington with a simpler idea of what will fill our home.

I was chatting with another blog friend yesterday. She is so beautiful and creative and earthy and crafty and an awesome mama to her children. I was teary while texting “how do you do it all?” and she replied “i don’t.  i feel messy.  i am right where you are”. Then we continued for an hour spilling our stories. This is what happens when we reach out. We begin to not feel alone. I wondered if I was somehow not doing enough or being enough. I have ONE toddler boy and yet my energy towards other loves/passions in my life is barely there. I give him so much because he needs it and I give it willingly but what is left of me at the end of the day is not a whole lot. I am told that this age is a lot…a lot to breathe through.  An age where children discover their separateness from you and are full of emotions and energies that need to be explored and released.  Another dear friend of mine wrote that she drove around in her car for two hours in her pajamas just to center herself away from her children. I told her it made me fall more in love with her. We need to do this, mamas. We need to let it out and have no shame in the hard parts. For me, adding humor to them is what helps me cope. I wonder what helps you cope?

When I put Cedar down for a nap today, I went out and laid on our livingroom floor pretending I was him. I threw myself back in a tantrum, kicking and throwing my limbs about, saying “Nooooooo!”…just to see what it felt like in his body. It felt AWESOME. Now I get it. ; )

I will share more images from my visit to the farm soon. Oh, and come back Wednesday. I will have a YUMMY giveaway for you all!

{cedar in my sister’s almond orchard}

We should all start eating our celery and peanut butter in the middle.  Its where the good stuff is.  I love that he does this.

My days with Cedar have been so full.  His discovery of life…of emotions and energy and feelings and desires and needs are so big and the two of us feel so intertwined.   And I am in Love.  And I am so worn.  I don’t know how you single parents do it but I will forever bow down to you.  Forever.

I am so tired that it is hard to put into words how this last week has been for us.  He is discovering so much more of his separateness and is expressing it in new ways.  The best way to describe it is that I feel like all day long I am either at the Circus or in Therapy.  Our children can be our mirrors and throughout the day I feel myself being triggered in some way.  Motherhood is like a never ending therapy session.  ; )

Guess what.  Remember I said I wanted an iPhone?  Well the very next day, Cedar and I were on a hike and I slid down a muddy slope and my feet flew out in front of me and when I landed, my Palm Pre went flying in the air and crashed down on a rock.  Totally cracked and broken.  I took that as a huge sign that it was time to move on.  We got iPhone’s tonight!!!  I am so giddy about the better photo quality and the fun apps to play with and the video messaging.  I heard from my friends that I may get obsessed.  Would love to hear what apps are your faves!

Would also love to hear about your creative ways of how you inspired, encouraged, guided your toddler to listen to you (when they decide they don’t want to).  Also, are you into time-outs?  If not, what worked for you?  I always love to hear your stories.  Stories are so much more fun than advice.  I am loving the book Parenting for a Peaceful World but I can only read it in bits.  Mama is tired at night.

taken with palm pre phone

This is how he shared his excitement about the thunderstorm we were watching/listening to through the window together this morning.

His affection…oh how when he shares his love my heart soars, it aches, it bursts into song.  My love for this boy…oh my love for this boy.  Deep deep deep.

self portrait today with phone {a photo i took for a dear friend that just got dreads and needed reassurance that bumps and grooves are an everyday part of them}

this is how my life feels right now.  a little bumpy and loopy and frayed.  this is why my dreadlocks parallel my life in a beautiful, messy way.  ; )

i am having a wee bit of computer issues.  hence…the lack of posting and spilling.  i recorded a long, heart soaked vlog for all of you today and when i replayed it, i sounded like i was sitting in a closet with cotton in my mouth.  i think i cried.  well, okay i admit, i DID cry because i really wanted you to hear it.  so i will try to share again what i felt inspired to share in that moment.  it might not look the same but it will be what is supposed to be sent out into the world, i must trust.

i’ve had two weeks of emotional upheavally days (yes, just made up that word) with sweet, dear cedar…and his deep need to express himself, along with his frustration that he is unable to do it fully with words.  so i shared about it in a very raw and vulnerable way on the vlog i recorded this morning while he was napping.  it felt so HEALING to get it out there and release.  then he woke up and was in such a soft, cuddly, present mood with me.  our day was pretty stellar.  i took him on a nature walk and there was so much connectedness between us.  i honestly believe it was because he could feel my release of worry for him and my trust in the process and his sensitive soul opened up more space for us.  when my husband came home tonight, i couldn’t stop talking about our wonderful day (because for the last two weeks, he came home to a weepy, exhausted, emotional wife).

i thought i was losing it yesterday. today i felt so centered and present and patient and alive.  motherhood is beautiful lumpy bumpy ride, man…with lots and lots of groovy grooves.

i am posting the video anyways, for those of you that have earphones and can turn up your volume loud enough to perhaps gather a few words.  ; )  just so i don’t feel it was completely for naught.