Boho Girl

{scarves worn by me, cedar and eugene the snowman were made by my sister Pamela. fingerless gloves from sundance}

I have only been in the snow a handful of times in my life. The first time I touched snow I think I was about 5 years old. We lived in the bay area in California near San Francisco, so it was a very very rare thing to happen in our neighborhood. But it did. Once in the 25 years that I lived there. I think we went up to the snow in Nevada once as a family (we were more about Summer camping in the woods). And with my girlfriends, I went up to Tahoe a few times, trying to learn how to ski and failing miserably. Then once in Tahoe with my boyfriend in my late twenties, to learn how to snowboard. Ouch. But fun. Especially because that day the sun came out and it was surreal to be snowboarding down a hill with the sun shining on my face (when it wasn’t planted in the snow). When I lived in Dallas for four years in my twenties, it lightly snowed once and was only on the side of the road in dirty chunks. The last time I saw snow was in Victoria, B.C…when my husband and I went there for Thanksgiving the year before Cedar was born. To soothe our achy hearts. It was an unexpected snow storm and we were held there a few days longer (darn) and many stores closed down because they were not prepared (they had one snow plow in whole city). I sat up on the window seat on the 3rd floor of our hotel watching the snowflakes for hours. It was so meditative for me.  It moves me into a safe cocoon.

All this to say, snow is so very precious to me. And I really know nothing about how to live in it, which my husband finds amusing since he grew up with snowed in winters in Ontario, Canada. Last week, we were so blessed to have a handful of days blanketed in snow. We hear that snowfall that actually stays on the ground in our seaside village is a rare thing, so we marinated in it deep. It was such a dream for me…to see neighbors sledding down our street at night. And us as a family sledding down a hill at the park down the street. Boho Boy teaching us how to make a snowman and then me noticing snowmen on every corner. It was surreal, really…and perfect for what I needed.

Being “snowed in” is a bit how I feel right now. Even though the snow has melted. I am pulling in deep and feeling the permission to do so without guilt. There are a lot of emotions I am sitting with, a lot of transition and transformation going on inside of me. I haven’t been able to put it into words but I feel the words coming. Just being in it is what I have allowed to happen. Not really naming it but just letting whatever it is move through me. There has been a lot of change for me in the past few years and with it, I have changed and I am now beginning to find my footing so that I can walk forward into my Heart Quest. I have more to share on this. And perhaps even a video of some good stuff that is coming in my life.

The sun just came out through the window, brushing the side of my cheek. The sun. Another rare thing in these parts during this time of year. I better step outside, breathe deep and drink up its medicine.

Every day this sweetness of a deer comes to visit us. Walks up near our doorstep. Peeks in near our window. Sometimes the mama comes. And each time, the gentle medicine it offers is at just the right time.

When we see it stepping on our lawn, Boho Boy runs to our backyard to grab a few apples from our tree and we throw it the apples and sit on the steps to watch it feast. Such a peace washes over us with her gaze. We look forward to this every day.

The first photo I took was the first one up above. When looking at it on my phone, I thought I caught a sun flare at the top right corner. But once I uploaded it onto my computer, I realized it was my reflection in the window. It somehow seemed significant to the place I am at in my life right now. Me, connecting to my roots, what connects me to Mother Earth and the Divine and how we are all so connected.

I was given this book by a friend when I lived in Berkeley 10 years ago. It was my first introduction into animal totems and the medicine and messages animals offer us when they come into our path. Most recently I have been awakened and made more aware of this by some dear souls in my life.

As I said earlier…this deer offers wisdom that I deeply need right now.  I was guided to this link by a friend and it resonates so deep with where I am right now on my path, especially the section I wrote in blue:

Deer’s medicine includes gentleness in word, thought and touch. The ability to listen, grace and appreciation for the beauty of balance. Understanding of what’s necessary for survival, power of gratitude and giving, ability to sacrifice for the higher good, connection to the woodland goddess, alternative paths to a goal.

Only when we move through life in the spirit of love for all beings can we melt the barriers that separate us from others, from other life forms, and from the beautiful mystery which is our own magical and spiritual gift.

By observing the ways in which deer behave, it is possible to see what amazing qualities – or powers – they possess. From the deer we can learn that the gift of gentleness and caring can help us overcome and put aside many testing situations. Only love, both for ourselves and for others, helps us understand the true meaning of wholeness.

If a deer crosses your path, this may show you that you are a very compassionate, gentle and loving person. If you don’t have these qualities, then consider if you have a problem that needs addressing. Are you facing a challenge in your life, whether with a fellow human being or a delicate situation? If you are feeling negative emotions such as anger, try letting go. Think about whether a gentler and more loving approach can sort the issue out. It may be necessary to speak the truth, this is best done with kindness and from the heart, this will generally give a better result.

Deer teaches us how powerful it is to be of gentle demeanor, to exert keen observation and sensitivity. Deer’s are in tune with nature and all it comprises. They are sacred carriers of peace and show those with this power animal how to open their hearts and love unconditionally.

Deer has entered your life to help you walk the path of love with full consciousness and awareness, to know that love sometimes requires caring and protection, not only in how we love others, but also in how we love ourselves.

Deer teaches us to be gentle, to touch the hearts and minds of wounded beings who are in our lives. Don’t push people to change, rather gently nudge them in right direction, with the love that comes from deer. Love and accept people as they are. The balance of true power lays in love and compassion.

When a Deer totem enters your world, a new innocence and freshness in about to be awakened. New adventures are just around the corner and there will be an opportunity to express the gentle love that will open new doors for you.

I remember in the dark of the night, walking up to a friend’s cabin at Squam a few years back. She and a few others were huddled in front, bundled in sweaters and scarves but their hair was soaked. Each of their faces were filled with a rosy-cheeked glow. I knew something went down and when I asked, they excitedly told me how they just returned from skinny dipping by moonlight in the lake. I remember feeling my heart take flight for each of them and at the same time, it ached to feel that free in my body and comfortable in my skin.

I’ve attracted quite a few free spirited friends in my life. I lived vicariously through their stories of running naked with people in a field or soaking nude in a hot springs. I’ve often wondered what it would feel like to be so uninhibited that way. I wondered if I was capable of not being self conscious. I grew up in a very modest household. We didn’t walk around naked like some of my friend’s families. We always dressed or went to the bathroom in private. I honor this way of being too. I am grateful that I considered my body, my temple sacred when in romantic relationships at such a young age. All of that served me so well then.

But now, especially lately, I ache for a freedom and acceptance and celebration of my body. Perhaps its turning 40. Perhaps its me wanting to release the wounds left from (in)fertility and the doubts that crept in about me being fully woman. Perhaps its me being more open to the call of sisters long before me that danced under the moon with their skin glowing and curves swaying up on a mountaintop where shame didn’t exist. Perhaps me pulling the layers of clothing off would feel symbolic to me of renewal and rebirth and transformation in this new world I am living in. Whatever it is and I know I don’t really need to know what it is exactly yet…but this ache led me to something so beautiful that happened yesterday.

A new organic farmer friend of mine invited me over to this glorious house where she is house sitting up on a hill over looking the bay. In my mind, I imagined us snuggling up on the couch with tea and soaking in this very first time her and I had alone. Any other time we were together with both of my boys. Her and I have been longing for girl time. When I arrived, the sun came out and warmed our skin after a spell of such chilled weather, so we decided to say out on the deck. She had told me she put the hot tub on and that she wanted to go in nude. I sat with her on the deck, as we both were petting a cat and I felt my heart pounding in my chest. She held me gently with her gaze, and I felt the tears come and I shared with her how healing this will be for me and that I have never been fully nude out in the open with a friend. I knew this was the time. The time to shed the temptation to hide, to shed shame and to accept I am fully woman, along side this other woman…fully woman. She was moved that this was new and tender and that she was the one to honor it all with me.

I found myself wanting to savor the moment. I shed my clothing one by one, slowly. We then soaked our bodies and it was the most natural feeling. Mmmmm…water on skin, sun on face, crisp breeze on shoulders, the sounds of nature echoing around us. I wondered why it took me so long to be in this space but at the same time, I also honored the perfect timing of it all. And now I get it. I get the healing power of being fully nude in mother nature alone or among people you feel safe with. Like a friend said to me yesterday, it felt like a baptism and a coming home to an ancient part of me that wants to be heard and felt and seen and loved and held divine like a newborn is fresh from the womb and into our arms.

This photo was taken shortly after our time together in the tub. Her and I were on our knees, looking out the window, reading from a book of Buddhist quotes. My skin still moist, my dreads still dripping, the peace radiating from my heart. I wanted to take this photo to remember the complete surrender I felt in this moment. The connection to God and Goddess and all things living and breathing. One love surrounding me, within me.

When I looked at this image, I cried. Yes. THAT is how it felt. There it is. Baptism captured.

The rain is now a mist. The sun stretching its rays above us. Flowers we never knew we had are beginning to bloom around our home. I’ve paddled a Canoe. Cedar has fished with his daddy. Marybeth (seen with basket above) nourishes us with strawberries at the park. We painted a picnic table for our back yard a gorgeous turquoise while Cedar was napping. We also drank root beer floats that day. My neighbor lets me come over and pick flowers to put in my mason jars. She has an enchanting garden. A witch once lived in her house. I think it was cast with a garden spell. I found a gorgeous antique cabinet for my tinctures and nature medicine. We sleep in and stay up late. My niece is coming tomorrow with her fiance. I am taking engagement photos of them. I plan on doing one downtown with a vintage bike and ice cream cones. My new favorite flavor of ice cream is licorice and orange. Cedar is awesome at balancing himself on big logs laying on the ground. He also stands on boulders and pretends its a stage. I am trying to hoola hoop but cannot keep it on my waist. I am being patient. I am rarely on the computer. My life has completely shifted. I am craving quiet and peace and solitude in nature. I am feeling God. I want to sit with the Dalai Lama. I wish I could walk with Buddha. I am having conversations with Jesus. I am resting on Mother Earth. I am crying with Father Sky. I am bleeding with Sister Moon. I am listening to and honoring my needs. I am navigating my way through parenting while trying to stay aware of my projections and Cedar’s heart and needs. I am in awe of how funny both of my boys are. I am just BE-ing…simmering…slowing…releasing…recreating…remembering…me.

and…HAPPY CANADA DAY!!

I have stinging nettles in my back yard (and some in my front…oh and on the side!).

They grow here without me needing to plant them. They are REALLY good for you.  Nature’s medicine!  They also hurt like mad if you touch them a certain way.  One day when we first moved here, my boys and I were on a hike and we went off the beaten path and I fell into a patch.  I was shocked at the instant, harsh burning on my legs and arms…then the deep itch that felt it couldn’t be itched.  Then the many swollen bumps. Then the achy numbness for a few days.  I will admit, right when it happened, I cried like a baby.  I am totally okay admitting that.  ; ) Because of  my physical reaction, I stayed away from my nettles for a few weeks…even though I was hearing of friends making soups and teas and intentionally touching them to feel the sting, to build an immunity, to listen to the pain and connect to it…or to help soothe their arthritis.  I felt stubborn for a bit.  I was actually a bit angry with this plant.   It hurt me!  Although when I would walk outside, I felt a pull to them.  I would stare at them for a long while…and watch them sway in the wind.  I felt like my fear of them was teaching me something.  That there are always messages in the pain.  Messages we need to hear in order to grow.  The pain does not come from the root.  Am I rooted?

I decided to get up close.  I studied them.  I felt less afraid.  I knew they were fierce plants and in their fierceness, offered medicine that we needed.  I went back to the house and grabbed my basket.  And my gloves.  I can still receive their medicine, with a bit of a boundary to protect myself.  I still felt the sting but ever so lightly and just enough to connect to that pain.  To feel alive.  To help remind me that so much wisdom comes from pain.  I talked with them when picking each one.  I thanked them for what they had to offer.  I got a sense that they softened towards me.  That they felt understood.  In those moments, I truly felt the heartbeat of life from the earth.  Those moments of clarity and connection that come to us when we are quiet in nature, away from the noise.  I want more of those.

I dried some leaves for tea.  I used the raw ones for a soup.  The soup tasted like pureed artichoke dipped in butter with a dash of salt.  Yummmm.   I used this recipe but I substituted blended soft tofu in place of heavy cream and nonfat greek yogurt in place of sour cream.  I also included crushed garlic along with the onions when sauteing in the beginning.

I am so grateful that being here, surrounded by so much lushness, has me connecting deeper to what nature offers us beyond just solace.  I am so inspired by Susun Weed these days…among a few others in my life, that take care of themselves and those they love with what  comes from the earth:  Nature’s medicine cabinet of  healing and love.  Its in my back yard!   Mmmmm.

Last night we went for a walk after dinner. Something that we’ve always wanted to be able to do and now, its becoming a reality for us. Sigh.

The beautiful moon. She was visible in the still light sky and Cedar decided to sing a song about Her. I love that most of his songs sound like chants. Like he just knows how to communicate with vibrations of nature.

I have much more to share. More images and stories…and I promise to come here soon. I am such a nester and when I move somewhere or visit or stay in a hotel, the first thing I do is unpack and settle. But its been different here. I can’t stay inside for too long. I pack half a box and then I am out in the green with Cedar or with our family or neighbors. I am so easily distracted these days. I still have massive amounts of boxes to unpack and no decorating has been done (soooo odd for me as decorating his my favorite part!). I have hundreds of emails to respond to and some important business to take care of and yet, I feel like I am on vacation when I am not, really…but it feels like it. ; )

Here are a few images of my boys last night during our walk around the hood.