Boho Girl

Boho Brother got married!!

I have a feeling hearts will be breaking all over blogland. ; ) We’ve received so many lovely and brave emails over the years from blog readers confessing their crushes on our dear Boho Bro. We fully understood why as his energy can be felt even across the screen. I’ve been honored to be his sister and witness the unique and beautiful soul he is. He’s taken such gentle care of himself out in the woods, communing in nature over the last handful of years and has finally found an earth goddess to join him. To frolic free in Mother Nature, create art with natural elements and be each other’s soul medicine. They refer to themselves as the “dragonfly couple” because of their connection to dragonflies. I adore that so.

The ceremony was yesterday, on Christmas Eve in the afternoon up top a waterfall in the woods. Boho Boy was the officiant, which made it so deeply special for each of us. Very intimate, earthy, simple and spiritual. Boho Bro made his bride a nature crown. She tied a feather into his hair. He surprised her with fairy dust to sprinkle around them. They faced North, South, East and West. They drank water from the rushing waterfall behind them in the raven cups we gave them as a gift. They surrounded themselves in clam shells they found around our bay and used them as tea light holders. The shells were sent back to the elements by Boho Bro setting them free to swim down the waterfall when the ceremony was finished. We shared German champagne from their mother and toasted to their father whose own free spirit would have been so proud of this moment. Mmmmm…

But my favorite moment was when he howled at the moon as she wept and giggled into his shoulder. So organic and true.

And it was FREEZING and they were barefoot and I love them for that. ; )

We wanted to share this precious gift with you in the spirit of Christmas. Merry Christmas to all. Warmth, peace and a covering of unconditional love to each of you and your families.

first image: such a HIM face : )

I remember a dear friend once telling me that once Cedar turned 3, that my husband and I would somehow find our way back to one another as a couple apart from being a family. My friend and I were talking about how much we missed our husband’s even though they were near us most of the day. We loved one another just as much, if not more but our energy and our reserves were devoted to our child and creating a nourishing lifestyle for him and by the end of the evening, we were happy to just sit near one another in silence and surrender to our exhaustion. I found myself concerned about our connectedness until my friend honored and validated me. I was in awe of her relationship with her husband and it felt reassuring to hear with both of their children, the first three years of their child’s life shifted how they connected to one another. Not a lot of people talk about this or perhaps they aren’t aware or perhaps they are too tired to be aware. But it felt validating, nonetheless.

My husband and I had many conversations about it. Allowing ourselves to be gentle in the midst of learning to be parents and put less pressure on needing to be crazy romantic lovebirds like we were before Cedar came into our lives. We looked at intimacy with a greater perspective and what intimacy meant to us as a family. Being in constant communication about our relationship hushed the gremlins that told me we had to be like them or them or even them. We just had to be us and us was pretty amazing and lots of fun. It was so good for me in that it broadened my mind about what romance is.

So three years old came around and my expectations of lots of romantic dates and hours of eye gazing and deep conversations came crashing to the ground. Oh those darn expectations! Its a constant lesson for me to let go of them. Even when I think I have none, I discover I do. Three for Cedar was full of so many transitions. It was the transitions that brought to surface many of Cedar’s anxieties and sensitivities and our world’s had to take pause. Three years old was an intense year for us as a family and just like our fertility journey, it drew my husband and I ever closer as we cocooned and healed. If I could say the most important thing that helped was the many times I came into his office (in our home) and plopped on his leather chair facing his desk and expressed my need to feel connected to him in all of this wildness. He would turn away from his computer and look into my eyes. We would find one another in those moments and whether it was about Cedar and his needs or the color blue, it was enough to just be present and it held us together.

As Cedar approached four, we felt happening what my friend talked about happening at three. As Cedar became more aware of his sensory sensitivities, he started to get into a rhythm of expressing his anxieties and needs rather than us navigating it for him. We found a beautiful and delightful babysitter that just “gets” him and his humor and his need to go into imaginary worlds. She spends time with him a few times a week and sometimes date nights. This allows me a bit of time to be alone in whatever capacity I need and it allows Boho Boy time alone when he finishes work because I am no longer too depleted to let him go. We also began connecting with a dear family a few doors down and each of us started to make dates with them. Me meeting her for coffee or tea or going on a walk and him meeting for guy time to play disc golf. One of their daughters comes over twice a week to play with Cedar and help guide him with how to share ideas and release the need to control everything in order to feel safe. We also have been surrounded by a few other souls that have compassion for Cedar and our journey. And all of these things may sound so simple to most of you…but to me, they are golden. They have breathed life into our hearts this year.

All this to say, through it all, my relationship with my husband is deepening and renewing. In fact the other day he had me belly laughing and he paused and said “its good to hear you laugh with me like that again!”. I realized in that moment how seriously I have taken everything around me. I’ve had no choice.  But the permission to embrace lightness is welcoming. Boho Boy’s humor is one of the first things about him that I fell madly in love with. I feel like we are remembering what drew us to each other in the very beginning. Its been so so good. I love him so.

{jon & angela ~ boho photo engagement session, 2011}

There are a few elements to my photography that I see myself exploring. I have held a vision for quite some time. These elements, these parts of me perhaps yet to fully unfold, a slow slimmer, like most of my dreams. I close my eyes and can feel my fingers interweaving an exploration of love and spirituality and imagery and a journey shared amongst open raw hearts.

I don’t know exactly what it is yet but much of this dream was inspired by the engagement session I did for my niece and her fiance last year. I had yet to capture romantic love in an intimate setting with my lens, so I was deeply honored they chose me to humbly sit back and just observe the way their hearts beat together.

In just a few days, these two beautiful people will be married. My boys and I soon fly out to California to be a witness and my heart is full of emotion. Angela (Cedar calls her Auntie La La) is so very dear to me, a kindred spirit and a soul friend. She is the daughter of my sister Darlene, who is ten years older than me, so her children feel like my brother and sister. I remember sitting across from Angela years ago when her heart was broken and this very warm and calm feeling moved through me, a knowing that she would find someone so deeply special. Someone that would see her, truly see her and honor her deeply.

A few years later, Boho Boy and I were the first in the family to meet Jon after they were dating for a while. We were house sitting for a friend in San Francisco and since they lived there, we met them for dinner. I remember opening the door to this strikingly beautiful man but what put me immediately at ease was the kindness in his eyes. He hugged me tight and it felt like home.   I sat back and observed him with her, with my husband and felt such a deep comfort and trust…that he would carry Angela’s heart in a way I knew it was meant to be carried. I feel so emotional writing about this.  As my sister Darlene would say…Angela has found her penguin.

I would love if any of you feel inspired to do so, to share in this space a little slice of wisdom for this married couple to be. Or even just a love story of your own with a nugget of sage they can carry with them for their journey ahead.  This space is very near and dear to Angela’s heart.  I know she will be here listening and honoring.

boho boy & me yesterday in downtown victoria

7 years ago today, I married my Love. The two of us in front of our dearest loved ones, on a cliff by the sea, our hands tied together with a rope in ceremony.

This weekend, we took Cedar to where we honeymooned: Victoria, B.C., Canada. Many times when sitting on the window seat of the hotel where we stayed 7 years ago, we said to Cedar…“this is where you were conceived”. That is where Boho Boy would sit and look three stories down to the street, watch the passersby and dream up what kind of life we wanted together, what kind of family we imagined having.  Having Cedar here with us was surreal and full circle.

Happy Anniversary my love, my knight, my best friend.

Here are two photos from said date with husband:

{him sober, me not…taken with iPhone4}

Bonus Cedar photo. Today he wanted two ponytails on his head. He got them. ; )

We also found him digging in my make-up bag yesterday and applying blush to his cheeks. And when we go to the toy store, the child size car he wants to sit on is the Barbie jeep. Awesome. ; ) He is madly in love with trains, planes and automobiles and loves to wrestle. I love and celebrate his balance of feminine and masculine energies. There are no boxes we will put him in as far as gender goes!

I don’t feel very inspiring when it comes to this particular Valentines Day. I was away from home all week in a hotel with a microwave. So, I didn’t bake any Valentine cookies or do any heart crafts like many of my loves did. In fact, this morning while waking up, wiping my eyes and shuffling my feet out to the kitchen, I kissed my Boho Hubby goodbye with a fuzzy dreaded head and we both forgot to wish one another a Happy Valentines Day. Uninspiring indeed.

What I do know is that I love my husband so true and it feels so damn good to feel safely loved by him. We’re in a bit of a romantic funk with all that is going on, which both of us have gently talked about. When we discuss this, defenses don’t come up because we are aware and admit that both of us equally need to put more intention into romance. I have a girlfriend that has a marriage I deeply admire. She once told me that when her children turned about three years old, she found both her and her husband feeling more sexy and wanton because their children were a bit more independent, so they had more time to focus on their relationship. I don’t mean I am comparing myself to other marriages as just like people, all relationships hold their own kind of beauty and romance and life together. But it of course give me comfort to know others ebb and flow just as we do (with children or not).

We know we need to make time for just him and I and we are planning on getting a babysitter to go to a romantic Moroccan restaurant next weekend…sitting on silk pillows and eating with our fingers. YUM.

But for now, during this lovers holiday, just feeling loved for being wholly me is enough. To me, the sweet small things he does for both Cedar and I on a daily basis holds more value than a Valentine’s card or a box of chocolates or a bouquet of flowers. Like last night when I was in the kitchen, wearing sweats and feeling smelly, cutting a pizza slice into tiny pieces for Cedar to eat and he came up behind me and kissed my neck telling me I looked sexy. Then later when he sacrificed watching his beloved hockey game for us to watch a family film together because that is what Cedar wanted.

Perhaps next year we will be about pink and red this or that. But this year, its about getting through the day and holding one another close when Cedar has finally fallen asleep for the night, and feeling safely loved in one another’s arms.