Boho Girl

I can’t stop lingering at this image of my friend.  Its is from a video she sent me this morning through text.  I took a screen capture and sent it to her and wrote “look at you…”.  I wanted her to see the peace in her breath, in this moment when she paused, closed her eyes, inhaled slowly, exhaled slowly and allowed a tender hush between her and my witness of her.

I loved so much this gift and the mirror this holy wholly moment was for me, that I asked her if she felt comfortable with me sharing it here with all of you.  This was her response…

“Yes. Use it because it is intimate and there is no reason to avoid the intimate giving.  All that matters is intimate.  And all that matters makes us free”.

I am ever so grateful for the gentle souls that are surrounding me and my boys these days.  For my friends and family members that understand how difficult it is for me to talk on the phone, not only because of Cedar’s sensitivity to frequencies and how they make him melt down but also my own sensitivity of balancing being on the phone with noise around me and how it hurts my head too and its hard to be present.  They know it won’t always be like this as we work with Cedar through therapy but even if it was, I feel their acceptance, unconditional love and embracing of our needs.  I love the videos and texts, emails and voice memos from my loves that are sent my way…to stay connected and close, without expectation.  I love the patience with needing to set up phone dates when I am alone, parked in front of the sea or even the grocery store…just me and them, without distraction.  Just writing this brings me to tears because of the love and honoring this brings into our life.

And then there are moments like this and this image of Janae (above) and how sometimes when words are not enough and its hard to not be close in the physical, that even through a video, she can allow herself pause and gaze, slow breath and connection to the love that we feel for each other.  And the fact that its enough for her?  Well, that feels so safe and free and is a gentle guide towards opening myself up and trusting deeper.

The other day I laid on my bed laughing at myself with a friend. Laughter that came from my deepest places. Laughter that moved around the parts that felt stuck . I had just been extremely vulnerable with her and in my vulnerable, I knew I was taking a risk sharing these parts of myself that are achy and dark, hurty and insecure, uncertain and fumbly. My vulnerable was witnessed by her, fully witnessed and yet, I was still so very loved and seen, really seen, understood and even celebrated. In her witnessing, I somehow was able to fully witness myself. And in that moment, a sweet release of laughter came forth.

I’ve been so protective the last few years. In my cocoon, healing the raw…inviting few into my world. I needed to do this. It was not easy and quite foreign for me but somehow it felt good in my bones to be this protective of myself, of what surrounded me in the physical. I gave so much light for so long and it was time for me to surrender to the dark that was left and rest alone in it. The cozy womb of safety and ease, simple and hushed. Man, so much was revealed to me about myself while in this sacred womb. And now, is the laboring of birthing myself again…the core of me. I am surfacing gently, slowly…moving towards those spaces where I can be seen. I know its time…time for me to enter back into the uncomfortable bits of opening myself up again. It’s freeing along side stilling along side extremely raw. Stilling in that I feel so much that was once in my life has moved on from me…up and out, beyond my grasp and that is when I realize, the grasping is what needed to cease and the surrender of Trust is what needs to be present for me.

My laughter, head down on my bed, rolling to my back, stopping, breathing and laughing again was me recognizing how much my ego was finding its way through what I was sharing with her and it is my ego that I have practiced letting go of the past few years. How quickly it returns when you’re wanting so badly to fit back into a space you once were and prove to those around you that you are worthy enough to be there. But oh my dear heart…when I let go of my ego, I don’t need to belong anywhere really but h(OM)e within myself. Exactly where I am and who I am in that moment.

You see…I am writing an e-course with a dear friend and we hope to launch it by this Summer and this…this has brought me so much life because I/we have lived so deeply in what we want to put out into the world. We are still in it and it feels huge to invite others into this for me. I’ve been so protective and quiet, so to be seen again in this way…its vulnerable and frightening and yet heart stirring and life bringing to walk into this unknown.

I’m different than I was. I’m truer to myself and those around me. I’ve been deeply humbled. And the best most yummiest part is that I laugh at myself more often. Whole heartedly belly laugh at myself.

The words of my friend…

She poured out her self, abandoned her ego, and laughed. Again and again, head down, healing poured through her, and light flowed. She knew herself, knew her Love, and spread it down the bed, across the mountains, and through the portal of sisterhood, into my lap.

Mmmmm…yes.

Thea is one of my very first blog sisters from years ago. We walked side by side on our fertility journeys, as well as our creative ones and it fills my heart to bursting that her dreams are coming to fruition. Bigger and juicier than imagined. She’s a rock star. One of the things I’ve always admired about her is her attention to detail, especially with her camera and how it works. She is the Camera-Wiz I have always gone to when it comes to the techie bits of my Canon and finally, she’s teaching a course. A very un-intimidating, free, warm and inspiring online photography workshop!

And you can see here in this video why I love her so.  How the first time I met her in person at the Seattle airport after a year of emails and phone calls, this beautiful blond with two pony tails running towards me for a big hug.  I was a goner.  Hers forever.  We are each others biggest fans.

So many of us (including me) can get intimidated by our BC’s (big cameras) but Thea has a way of explaining and helping to guide in a way that it will encourage your own intuitive lens.

Intuitive Lens by Thea Coughlin

{my sister is in town for a few weeks, so while she’s here i’ll by having a few giveaways, so i can be present with what is in front of me during her stay.  so look for some fun here in the next few days!}

{Katie & Lisa chanting}

When we were still living in the blue cottage, there was a time in between tenants where this yellow home was empty. The landlord let my sister and I (who was visiting at the time), walk through. I remember us sighing at every turn. It was so adorably charming. But along with the feeling of familiarity for me, there was a heaviness in my bones. I had chills as I walked up the stairs and I couldn’t quite place why. My sister felt it too and after we sat in the blue cottage and gushed about our walk through, we both admitted to one another that we felt a spirit in that house. I thought it was just me feeling this.

Almost a year later, during the first week we were in this yellow house, I continued to feel that same spirit or energy. I wasn’t afraid of it or threatened in any way. I felt very at peace in this home and like we were supposed to be here. I just felt an uneasy energy. I felt a sadness. A longing. And I felt it most when walking up the stairs where the two bedrooms are (ours and Cedar’s). Our cat Elvis began to sit at the top of the stairs and cry in the middle of the night. It was then that I began to really try to connect with what was happening.

I have always been sensitive to energies or spirits and until I accepted this about myself in my later twenties, I became less afraid and more open to what was trying to be communicated to me. I felt like this spirit needed something from us. My husband felt the same energy.

I had heard from a friend (a previous tenant) that two women used to live here in the early 1900′s but that is all I knew. So I shared with a neighbor, that has lived in this neighborhood for years, what we were feeling in the house. Our neighbor went onto share that in this home lived a widow and her daughter. The daughter was more a servant to her mother and was sequestered in the home to attend to her mother’s needs. Her mother didn’t allow her to have relationships or interactions outside of the home. So the daughter grew to be somewhat of a recluse. When her mother passed away from old age, the daughter lived here alone until she died, too…at an old age. My neighbor was able to meet the daughter before she passed away, tried to help take care of her and was told first hand, the story. Hearing this, it all began to make sense to me. This daughter’s story of longing to be free and released from this house when she was living and perhaps this is how her spirit or soul lingered.

Almost a few weeks into our move, when we were still slowly moving things from the blue cottage to this house, our dear friends Katie (owner of Lotus Wei) and Lisa (owner of Wei of Chocolate) were visiting both for business and pleasure. While they were here in our home, we caught up, went on a forest walk and then later snuggled up near the fire.

It was on the couch that I shared about the history of the house. Soon after, Katie offered for them to come back the next morning and do a beautiful Buddhist chant and ceremony to help release this spirit where it needs to be. It is an ancient ceremony that they had both learned in India – Lisa, when she lived in the Himalayas for many years, and Katie, who went to India with the purpose of learning this ceremony.

My husband and I both felt so at peace about this. The timing of our dear friends being here and them both feeling a strong desire to offer what they had learned felt truly divine. The process they explained to us felt gentle and loving, connecting and peaceful. Just what we as a family are cultivating in our life and what I imagined the spirit of this woman, needed.

So the following morning, Katie and Lisa arrived. At first Lisa walked around our home collecting flowers from our yard as an offering to the spirit.

I felt really deeply that the ceremony needed to take place in our upstairs bedroom. I had incense burning for them and I gave them some quiet time to set up. They told us that we could be there in the room and hold the space with them or we could not, it was up to how we felt. Of course we shared we wanted to witness and I had a feeling Cedar needed to witness it too. So my boys and I laid on the bed as they began the long beautiful chant.

Immediately, a peace washed over me and both my husband and I closed our eyes. I could feel the vibrations in my chest. Cedar moved around here and there to grab toys and bring them on the bed. In moments he stared in awe and other moments, he rolled his car or helicopter over our bodies to the sounds of Katie and Lisa’s vibrations. At times he giggled at the sounds coming from their mouths. It was one of the most beautiful moments of my entire life. I felt such a trust and surrender and a hope for us but even more so for this spirit.

Then there was this moment at the end of the chant where along with a particular quick yelp sound, I saw a white light before my eyes completely vanish and a heaviness from my body lifted. In that moment, I felt an energy leave and the lingering feeling was freedom, happiness, joy, release. When the ceremony was finished, we sat and talked a bit about what we all experienced. Lisa and Katie shared with us how our home is now protected and that good energy will come in and that the home is very happy about Cedar being here. That Cedar’s laughter is healing. But truly, I felt this already even before they shared this with me. We all did. There was just a collective knowing. Instantly, the house felt like it took a deep breath and my chills vanished and I felt a deep solace and peace between all of these walls.

The remainder of the day there was a sense of lightness between all of us. They offered to help us finish the remainder of our move into the yellow house and we were so humbled by their gracious hearts. Their presence is so calm and comfy and of some of the purest love I have ever been near. We acknowledged the ease we felt with one another and how the energy exchanged felt so heart lifting. I am in awe of the souls we are beginning to attract into our life. It truly makes such a difference when you are clear about what you need.

And today the home continues to feel this peace. Every time I walk up the stairs I think about the daughter and how her spirit is finally free. I think about how safe and protected I feel and how I knew there was a deeper purpose to us being here besides rooting ourselves and creating a life in nature we so deeply craved.

I think how I could have just let this linger and made it all about what I felt rather than what this spirit needed from us. I think about how I could have allowed fear to overcome me and pray this spirit away with this idea it was threatening to us in some way. These are all very old ways of thinking and feeling for me. But I breathed through it and I listened and I sensed something deeper and when I opened myself up, surrendered to what may be needed from me, Katie and Lisa came into our home and together, we offered our gifts.

Ever since spending time with Katie and Lisa in San Diego before our move, both of their products (Lotus Wei flower essence elixirs, serums and mists and Wei of Chocolate yummies) are a big part of our every day.  In fact, Cedar savors what he calls his “night night chocolate” an hour or so before bedtime.  We have the chocolates in a vintage jar and Cedar delights in dipping his hand in and picking out his favorite.  Throughout the day we drink elixirs and spray the mists that our bodies need.

Here are a few images of when we first moved to Washington.  Katie & Lisa sent our family a care package to help us settle into our new h*OM*e.  Mmmmm.

{last two images taken May, 2011}

Our dear Brit Beauty came to our home for some respite in between her book tour. It felt good to offer her a space where she had no expectations or places to be or people to meet. Although this brave introvert loves that part of connecting on her travels and teaching her workshops and at gatherings, she also loves the feeling of lounging in pajamas and home and family…just. like. me.

As she spent a few days witnessing my new life here, it was such a gift to see some of it through her eyes. I felt she captured part of us that not many get to see. Above are all images captured with her iPhone that I wanted to share. My next post will be images of her visit through my eyes.

ps. Cuteness overload for the day: Cedar calls Susannah “P’sanna”. Omg.

{her beautiful book, all photos in this post are by susannah}

7-ish years ago, I remember laying with Susannah, side by side, my limbs curled up to her limbs, dreaming about how her journey through grief and healing needed to be put out into the world. I knew from her first brave blog post that her stories would be beautifully bound for many to hold in their hands and press gently against their hearts. Yes, a book that all who knew and loved her were certain she needed to write. And she did. And its here. And its launched! And my happiness for her is permeating from me.

Susannah has done a fun and exciting blog book tour (before she goes on her in the flesh book tour) and this space of mine is one of her stops. We decided to do a Skype interview to share a bit about her book with all of you but rather what ended up happening is us dancing down memory lane. We decided to go with the flow of our conversation and keep it down to earth, real…because that is truly the energy and vibe throughout her whole book.

In this clip, we talk about how we first met and how that was the catalyst to her beginning her own blog and how the healing process of writing and sharing her self inspired the beautiful journey she is living.

{here is the post Susannah refers to when she reached out to me the first time}

My heart feels full. As I said during our Skype session, it has been such an honor to witness her unraveling from the very raw beginning of days until the present. To witness her channel her grief, healing, self discovery and creative awakening into inspiring others to find their own way has been one of the most sacred gifts in my life. I feel a bit like a proud sister and with a lump in my throat and such deep love in my heart for her, I encourage each of you to pour through her pages. What I love most about this journey for Susannah is she never pretends to have arrived. Through her teachings and inspirations, she is constantly right beside all of us, learning and growing as she continues to unravel just like me and you.

You may order the book through Susannah’s website by clicking here. There are links on the page to Amazon (US, UK and Canada), Barnes & Noble and Chapters. Her book is also available at your local bookstore. Other places you can connect to Susannah is on her website, her ground-breaking e-courses, Twitter, Facebook, Pinterest & Instagram.