Boho Girl

{my sis and me, after a few days of much heart work and tears that come from the deepest places}

Some thoughts that have been on my mind the last few days…

My whole life and especially presently, I have been attracted to and attracting people that are very different from me. I love the unique. I learn from it. It widens, expands and opens my heart. For years now I have been a seeker of the different on a quest to find Truth and Love.  I do not need the people in my life to be the same as me, although kindred spirits are a blessing in and of itself. What I am discovering that I do need and strive to cultivate is kindness and respect among family and friends, however it is expressed from person to person. We all express it differently. I yearn to cultivate peace for my home and the environment surrounding my son.  Peace that will offer him room to breathe and LOVE and be who he needs to be while feeling held in complete acceptance. I suppose peace does that for me too and it is important, very important for me to offer that breathing space to anyone around me.  It always has.

One thing I am learning and navigating through, is the balance of being open to love and be loved with healthy boundaries.

Every single person in my family, oh my…we are all wonderfully different than one another.  This past year has been full of some deep wounds opening within all of us.  We are all…each of us, in a space of wanting to let go of habitual patterns and release what binds and holds us spinning in the same unhealthy and toxic cycles.  That is so so hard, isn’t it?  To break free of such things.  For so many reasons.

Last week, before my sister arrived, I was sitting knee to knee with a neighbor and dear new friend, listening to her share about her own family dynamics and how her and her parents are now practicing consciousness of patterns that arise each time they visit with one another.  Each of them are doing the work to come to a place of awareness with one another.  They have moments when they catch themselves projecting and they each take responsibility for their own actions/reactions and work through it together.  When she shared this with me, my eyes held hers and I shared how deeply I craved this for my family; An openness that can provide healing and understanding and compassion in a peaceful way.  She reminded me that it is HARD work because the only way we can all get there is if we do our own work, take responsibility for our part in the cycle and have compassion for the rest.  That’s huge and hard but so freeing.  It is a space we all ache for but our fears and insecurities hold us back.

So that is where I am.  I plan to step through the fear and do my own work.  My part in the puzzle.  I am going to seek out a therapist and work through it in a way that feels right for me.  A few of my family members are planning to do the same and those few of us plan to go together next month.  Perhaps someday, we can all…every single one of us in the family…gather and do the work together. I am going into this without any expectations but with so much HOPE because the awareness that has surfaced this past year and the peace that comes with it, is enough for me to keep going and trust in this process.

And I am so grateful that I have this amazing person by my side through it all.  A man who truly SEES me and my truth and inspires me to step into LOVE every single moment while still maintaining those boundaries that are necessary for self preservation and peace:

And this little dude who has been an angel in my family this entire time. His arrival and gift of healing hearts around him was divine timing:

I love my family. I feel blessed with the different and the same and even the hard work that comes with it all.

I know my family would prefer that I live within walking distance or a short drive away in Northern California and so many times, perhaps on a daily basis, I ache to have them near to witness our life unfold and me witness theirs. This is why I have a private family blog where I post many (I mean many) photos every single day for them to see. I carry my iPhone with me everywhere I go and bless Cedar for fully grasping the why of that now. Sometimes he’ll even pose for me, knowing that it is for our family.

I have been so grateful of how supportive they have been of this move. They knew how rough it was for us living in that condo loft 3 stories high away from nature and surrounded by concrete once we had Cedar. They were worried about our illness and constant lung infections and by the time we left, all they wanted for us was relief. None of them had been to Bellingham, so of course there was concern but they had learned to accept and honor and sometimes even celebrate my gypsy ways. ; )

A few weeks into us living here, I heard a shift in all of their voices. A shift from worry to excitement. I heard things like “you live in paradise” or “fae land” or “its so enchanting”. Each of them anxious to visit, knowing not only will they see us but they will feel like they are on vacation. Now they get it. They get why we fell deeply in love with this place. They get how this town just wraps around us so warmly and perfectly like a glove. How the energy here, the people and their chill, earthy, conscious ways are so kindred and like minded to us. It feels so good to have their support and it feels even better to finally provide them with a space to stay and relax (our other space was too tiny for more than one person to stay over).

It was so dreamy to have my niece Angela and her fiance here almost a month ago (I cannot wait to share photos from their engagement session soon…if they will let me! Please??). She was the first of my side of the family to stay in our home and my heart melted when she reported back to the family how happy we were and how in love with this town she was. A few weeks later, her mom…my dear oldest sister Darlene aka “Auntie DD” came to play.

Cedar and Auntie DD share such a unique connection. I swear they are on the same brainwavelength (is that a word? If not, I like it anyways). Darlene has always been able to enter into a child’s way of thinking and explore their world in such a magical way. It is so absolutely fun to watch and of course Cedar is deeply enchanted by and attached to her. Every time she is with him and then leaves, we notice he does what we call “Auntie DD-isms”…a new language or a new way of play or a new world they created together that sticks with him and becomes part of his quirkiness. So, I just think they are both quirky souls. ; )

I am so grateful for this relationship between them. He needs it and deserves it and is so nourished by it.

When my older sisters were having babies and raising them, I was in my pre to late teenage years (they had their babes when they were 19 or 20 years old). I lived an hour from them and needless to say, was a bit consumed and wrapped up in my own busy High School/College/Gypsy world. I was the young aunt that I think was seen more as a sister to my nieces and nephews. I know I wasn’t around as much as my sisters may have needed and of course until I was a mother, I didn’t quite get how they may have needed me. I know for the most part, they knew my heart and understood the place I was in my life. And my nieces and nephews always felt my love.  I cherished and adored being the aunt they would tell their secrets to (and share clothes with!). But now that I am a mother in my late 30′s and not around family, I appreciate so so much everything each of them does to stay connected to Cedar. I will never take this for granted and I know Cedar will not either.

It was wonderful to see Darlene thriving after breathing in the fresh ocean air of Bellingham. Her strength was endless. She has had Lupus for over 20 years and we never know how traveling will be on her bones. Well, I am sooo happy to say that what surrounds our home is medicine to her bones! One of my most favorite memories is when she went on a walk alone with a basket and returned with a bouquet of wild flowers she had picked in our neighborhood to adorn our house with. Another one is our date together. We went out to dinner ALONE and had a pretty pink drink and talked for hours about psychic gifts, God, Jesus and witches. You know…she just gets me. She allows so much room for how my heart beats and how my mind thinks. She gently respects and honors our differences and that is all anyone needs to feel safe in a relationship, right?  Our ten year difference in age has shifted from her mothering me to her honoring me as a mother (she said this is the most independent she has ever seen me) and being my sister and close friend.  And I love when her nose gets pink when she’s had a drink.  ; )

A few more photos from our time together…

my father in this early twenties

I have many beautiful memories with my father. Some of my most favorite with him are out in nature. He loved to go camping and we did this as a family every single summer in the redwoods of Northern California. He would take his three girls out on hikes for hours. We’d collect rocks and sticks to bring back to camp. We’d go creek walking and he’d hold our hands so we wouldn’t slip. Sometimes when life feels overwhelming and I need to lay down and take deep breaths and find my calm, I will go to that place with my father. The hikes him and I would take alone where there would be silence because nothing needed to be said. Bringing to the trails the comfort we had with one another. The crunching beneath our feet, the sounds of the creek beside us, the wisp of the trees above, breathing in the smell of redwoods in unison. Quiet glances. Knowing. Protection. I often go back there and I know he does too. I love him to the depths and when I spoke with him this morning and we were hanging up, I could sense and hear the crack in our voices. We just want to be together today. But I am grateful. I am grateful that we hold these memories together. I searched this morning for this photo of him. I had to go out in our garage and forage through our boxes. I cried when I finally found it. There he is. That was him. His thick black curls laying on his forehead. His high shiny cheekbones. His pearly beautiful smile. His gut laughter. His dark skin that smelled of campfire. Such a beautiful man then and now. I love it when people say I look like my father. I always loved it…even though I was a girl. I was proud to carry his features. And I am proud to carry him in my heart. My first love.

What are you favorite memories with your father?

i can’t believe how full my days are here. with a backyard (haven’t had one in 10 years) and the forest and ocean, trails and creeks surrounding us, most of the hours of our days are spent outside. we come in for potty, snack, meals and sleeping. and because it stays light so late here, we are all going to bed VERY late and waking up VERY late. there was a time when we had a schedule and it worked for us but right now, we are just going with the flow. sort of like when you’re on vacation and all of the schedules and must-do’s aren’t gripping you. you feel free and you just move with what feels right. i wonder if it will stay like this for a long time, this feeling. or i wonder if we will somehow fall into a rhythm with our days. for now, i am not questioning. i am just soaking all of this up like a thirsty sponge.

do these images whisper what it is i am feeling?

{yummy clothing giveaway coming soon}

I think I’ve been quiet here because I’ve been in a space of observing and listening. I suppose I feel a bit awed. Okay, a lot awed by our surroundings. Including what goes on inside of my home and the intimacy I am feeling with my boys. Right now Cedar is sleeping on our couch near me in a ball of sunlight shining through our window. I can see the shadows of dragonfly lights that we have hung on our windows on his face. Cedar has never slept anywhere but his bed or our bed. There is a peace dwelling here that we have not felt in so long.

Yesterday we took a trail that is a few streets down in our neighborhood. It led us to an old farm that sits up on a tall hill overlooking the bay and an island and the mountains. We laid out a blanket. We ate. We did more breathing and listening than talking. Our bodies were close. We held one another. Boho Boy’s hand reached for mine if Cedar was between us. I write this with a tear in my eye. So much healing. We’ve had a rough few years. I can feel it slowly melting, walls peeling and a soft underbelly feeling less afraid to exist without so much protectiveness.

The home we are in is so special. The old man that lived here before us left a legacy it seems. Our neighbors talk of him fondly and it warms my heart that they are embracing us in this home. It seems they were waiting for people to live within these walls that captured the spirit of the man who once lived here. One of our favorite neighbors, a new friend of mine, has won my heart. She is moving soon and told me she now feels safe leaving this sweet village knowing that our family will continue to live and breathe the magic of this neighborhood. For nine years I lived in a place where I felt a bit misunderstood and here, within a few short days, I am wrapped up by souls that I feel speak the language of my heart.

{when finishing this post, i thought i would take a photo of cedar sleeping…}

the moment we drove into bellingham

I am overwhelmed with emotion. I think I need a few more days to marinate in what surrounds me. To let it sink in…fully permeate my being that I am home. That THIS is our home. My friend Jessamyn and Leigh wrote to me spelling it out hOMe or h*OM*e…with emphasis on the Om and that is exactly what it feels like. They know my heart.

Boho Boy had been here for about three days already while I stayed with my precious family. He would call us about 10 times a day to share sweet little details about the old home we’re renting (built in the early 1900′s) and the yard surrounding it. He would send us videos and text photos and stories about our eccentric, hippy, arty neighbors that came out to greet him, play him a tune with their guitar on their porch and spill the scoop about the community that our home rests in.

It was wonderful to hear all these details but at the same time it was a big practice for me in letting go of control. I am a Virgo and I do love to nest. It was a good exercise for me to be present with what was in front of me at the farm with my older sister or at the bottom of the Sierra Foothills with my parents. I was so worn from the move and Cedar was in serious need of something that felt familiar and homey. It would have been too much on his sensitive heart if we went from empty home to another empty home full of boxes. It was all perfect and that is what I reveled in. Being with family gave me the strength I needed to step forward as a girl in motion.

This past Saturday was when Cedar and I flew to Seattle.  The long line at the airport in Northern California was unexpected, so him and I were running to our flight, hand in hand.  Once we finally landed and were walking towards baggage claim, Cedar spotted his daddy 30 feet away.  He yelled “daddy!” and dropped his froggie backpack and ran to him with his stuffed animal in hand.  Boho Boy scooped him up and all of this brought him and I to tears.  It was one of those moments we will forever cherish.  Soon after we discovered the bag with all of my clothes somehow didn’t make my flight.  I think because I already felt completely ungrounded, the thought that the bag I was living out of was missing, brought on a meltdown.  Not at all what I expected to feel when arriving on this day.  We sorted out the bag situation and it ended up getting on the next flight and would be shipped to us in a few days.  Then as we got on the freeway to head towards Bellingham, we were giddy and chatting away and 1.5 hours into our conversation we discovered we were going South instead of North!  It was then that I realized there must have been a reason why all of this was happening.  We now had a long drive of 3 more hours going back the way we came from with an extremely exhausted wee traveler in the car seat.  It was a message for us to slow down, to let go, to reconnect before we walk into our new space…because the whole thing with the bag brought me into  space of not being able to connect.  It was all perfect, really.  It gave us a chance to stop for food.  To find a gorgeous park on the way for Cedar to run and explore.  To get some delicious coffee and to pull into our town holding hands,  connected to one another and feeling in love.  Those three hours ended up being just what we needed.

Boho Boy had suggested the other day on the phone that he drop me off and take Cedar to the Toy Garden in Fairhaven.  He wanted me to connect with the home alone, without distraction, like he was able to days prior.  I didn’t even know this was what I may have needed until he mentioned it.  Since he had been there already for three days and with all the stories he was telling me, there was a sense of almost feeling like this was more his home than mine.  It was so tender hearted for him to think about this.

When he pulled up to our little nook of a street by a bay, my heart swelled.  It was quainter, quieter and more of a community than I imagined.  Every home was precious and then he slowly drove passed ours and I said…“Oh, what a cute house…wait…ummm…is this ours?” All I knew were photos and videos and now that we were right there in the flesh, it all just seemed more charming.  My heart was racing and as I waved goodbye when they drove off and turned towards the home, I felt such a sense of peace.  A peace I haven’t felt in so long.  The noise, the chatter, the anxiety, the everything hushed and it was just me and my footsteps and my breath and my pulse and my heartbeat on those wooden floors.  When I opened the door, it smelled of an antique shop.  Mmmm…old homes.  I walked slowly from room to room, up and down the stairs and finally outside and when I walked through the enchanting yard to the end of a large Cedar tree, it was then that I wept.  All I felt was gratefulness.  I continued to shake my head.  It was so much of all that I wanted for my family.  It felt unreal and real all at once.

more soon.

h*OM*e.

{dear sponsors…you get a free month since i have been unexpectedly absent due to lack of internet connection}