Boho Girl

one year dreadiversary, canon 50d ~ august break #11

look at all the twisties, twirlies and bumpies (and i just noticed that i need more 
beads on the other side.  i rarely look at the back of my head!)

As of August 1st, my dreadies were one year old.

I took these photos for all of you yesterday…the day after I washed them.  The few days following me washing my dreads, they have a lot of fly-aways and are a bit more fuzzy than usual.  I thought it is still important that I photograph this part of the process.  I always joke with my husband that I look like a wet dog during those few days.  ; )

Sitting in that chair with the dread goddess, Stephanie at Akemi Salon feels like yesterday.  It was such an emotionally full time for our wee family.  The following day after getting my dreads in Portland, we went to visit Cedar’s birth parents for the first time since birth.  He was 9 months old.  Perhaps some of you remember.

I felt so wrapped up on that day.  My family and my lovelies sent me off to Portland with wishes and dreams and strength and courage.  I was joined at the salon by my dear talented friend Amy Seeley, who sat on the vintage sienna couch near where Stephanie was twisting and knotting and infusing my hair with magic and faerie dust.  Here we all are in this photo mid-way through the process…

Don’t you just love Cedar’s shell-shocked face?  Like…“what the heckity heck is my mommy doing with her soft hair?”  Later, Amy soothed Cedar with a private concert in her home, playing her piano and singing to us songs from her upcoming album.  He was so crushed out.  Especially when she let him sit on her lap and pound the piano keys.  ; )

This journey has been so dear to my heart.  It is obviously not just a hair-do to me and I think most people that go on a dread journey would say that.  So much of the process of my hair beginning to dread on its own, paralleled my fertility journey.  At first the strands were so tightly wound with expectations and then slowly, very very slowly,  they began to unravel and unfurl and let go and loosen.  Through it all there were so many fears of how they would turn out and disappointments.  Finally I began to see it all clearly as each of them found a home on my head and I came to a place of acceptance and embraced the curves and bumps and fly-aways as part of the whole of what my dreadlocks are.  The whole of what and who I am.

Journeys are messy and beautiful and full of being broken and put back together and rediscovering who we are and finding our center through it all.

Since I sat in that chair a dozen or more people connected via my blog or my friends have sat in Stephanie’s chair and I received those panic emails after a month or two, just like the phone calls I made to Stephanie.  “Are they supposed to look like this?  Like a bag lady who hasn’t washed her hair in months?  What are these bumps?  I have so many fly away strands! Are they coming undone?” 

In her gentle voice, she would always respond to me…“Oh, they are so perfect, Denise.  They are just where they need to be in this very moment.”  She is the Zen Priestess of Dreadlocks, that woman and totally gets the parallels of dreadlocks and life.

So I have embraced the idea of letting them do their dance.  I don’t do any maintenance myself.  I don’t crochet them.  I don’t put gel or wax on them and because of this, they are a bit wild and free where as those that tend to maintenance them on a daily basis have perfectly tight locks.

I did do maintenance once in Portland when I was there to support a friend…

jess, sara, me and steph at akemi salon after first maintenance appt.

I may go again next year to see Steph.  I remember thinking  I would want Stephanie to start from the beginning and tighten them up as they were that first day but when I sat down and looked at them in a new light and saw how teary and proud she was, I realized I loved them just as they were and she only did a few touch ups.  Since then, I went to two other people, who were lovely women but it just wasn’t the same spiritual experience and they ended up being too tight for me.  But the photo I showed Stephanie when I sat in her chair that first day was of a woman that had loose, flowy locks with strands of hair free from the knots and very loose curly ends and long un-dreaded bangs.  This is how Stephanie wore hers when she had them and she said those are her absolute favorite to create.  I remember her response was “Oh you are so my girl!”

I do put smelly goods on them and conditioning sprays for the days where they feel a bit too dry.  I wash them once a week, sometimes once every two weeks if I haven’t been swimming or at the beach or getting dirty at all.  I think because my hair is so thick and there is so much of it, that I am able to go longer without washing than those with thinner hair.  My hair has always been like that growing up.

I will say the hardest part of this process for me has been how my scalp has responded.  Since my hair is so, so heavy, the weight of the dreads irritate my scalp and has caused some flakeage.  I also think I sometimes don’t fully wash out my dread shampoo, which can add to the itching.  This apparently is very typical and one way to help sooth is rubbing tea tree oil through the scalp or spraying it with peppermint spray.

Here are the products I use:

Knotty Boy Green Tea Conditioning Spray (to keep them soft and smelling fresh)
Knotty Boy Peppermint Cooling Moisture Spray (for itchies and irritated scalp)
Knotty Boy Dread Shampoo (this works better for my head than DreadHead shampoos or Dr. Bronners…but every head is unique).

I haven’t yet gotten as creative with my hair as I had dreamed.  Perhaps because I have a little toddler boy that holds my attention most of the day.  But I would like to spend some time playing with up-do’s and headbands and flowers and long strands of fabric/ribbon tied into my hair.  I do wear beads all the time but I take them out at night because I can’t sleep with them (most people leave them in).  My beads come from all over the place online and from friends.  If you do a search on Etsy for “dread beads”, you will find so many handmade beauties.  I also love the wooden flower beads at Knotty Boy.  Etsy also has gorgeous hats for dreads if you do a search.

Well, I hope this helps as MANY of you have asked me to write about my dreads for months now and I wanted to wait until my One Year Dreadiversary to celebrate and answer them.

Here is another pic I took with my phone the other day before washing.  You can see how they are a bit tighter than the images above.

If I haven’t answered all of your questions, do ask in the comments and I will answer in the comment section as well.

Blessings on the journeys of all of you dreadies to be…xoxox

cedar & me today

me & a birdie today at the wild animal park

My friend Lisa colored my hair yesterday. Violet Red. I love the way that sounds…“violet red”. Mmmmm. I needed a change. A bit of spice oh so nice. And my has it worked. Today I wore tighter clothes and flirted with my husband. I thought I had forgotten how to flirt. It all came back.

Note to self: take better care of me and wear clothes that show the curves.

I am on the road to nurturing myself, loving me for me and flirting with the idea that I am enough. As is. Will you join?

Roar.

{I hear a collective roar from all of you lovely ladies out there. do something yummy for YOU this weekend}

p.s. i found out that i am a bird whisperer today. this sweet birdie didn’t want to leave me and i fell in love. ; )

me & my braids, taken with phone

I finally found a sweet spirit here locally that does dreadlock maintenance. After a few hours of girly chatter and crocheting my dreads, she taught me a few fun styles. These french braids (above) was one of them. I tried it myself the other day and wanted to share the fun with you.

So, if anyone is in the Southern California area and would love to get crocheted dreads and/or maintenance, Amber can be your girl! She’s SO adorable and fun and comes with awesome stories about living in Los Angeles and socializing with the Hollywood peeps.

I absolutely adore my friend and dread goddess Stephanie, but I can’t always fly to Portland to get them prettied. I am trying to organize a dreadie mama weekend getaway in Portland soon, though.

I am working on my photos and post about Bellingham. I caught a wee bit of a sore throat/head cold and needed to lay low today. I am longing to share it with all of you and process it here in this space. Soon, soon…

jess, sara, me & stephanie (the dread goddess) at akemi salon in portland

steph & jess…these women teach me so much

cousin mary on akemi’s couch

steph studying sara’s dreads

steph crocheting sara’s beauties

the janssen family on tour

steph crocheting my hair

jess & me snuggling on steph’s couch with the dread kitty (at her home)

the hauntingly romantic and gorgeous home of the dread goddess

jess & steph at a bakery/cafe

clockwise bottom left: jess, steph, cousin mary & megan at mississipi station
for lunch post dread appt.

and here is my result…

amy seeley & me at The Farm Cafe for dinner post dread appt.

We all surfaced from this weekend with hearts that shifted, expanding wider and deeper and softer. I was exhausted on the plane ride home. But a good exhausted. The kind when you’re replaying over and over scenes from the last few days in your head and there is too much excitement to sleep. Even though my head was pounding, I had a smile on my face as I gazed out the window at the rainy clouds beneath the wing. The belly of my heart felt full of all of the soulfood that these women fed me and I was in something that felt like a soulfood coma. You know what I mean?

Perhaps it is a blessing that the dear ones in my life do not live near me. Blessing in a sense that when I do gather with them, my senses are heightened and I soak in every word droplet and story and heart spilling and I hold their hands and walk arm in arm and snuggle them close and don’t take a single second for granted. Perhaps if I saw them every day, I wouldn’t notice all the teeny tiny beautiful details as I do when we have these gatherings (or perhaps I would). I suppose I am going there in my head because most of the time I feel sad living away from my buds but if I shift my perspective to the blessings of those small but amazingly precious moments, then I’ll feel more grateful than sad.

Over the course of a few days, so much of what happened during the dreadie love fest was not in the original plan but it ended up unfolding so beautifully. We were all in such an open and relaxed head space that whatever came our way just made sense, because we allowed the moment to teach us.

Jessamyn was the one that found us a place to stay. It would be at her cousin Mary’s grandmother’s home (who was on vacation). When I arrived, I met Cousin Mary (this is what I named her) at the airport for the first time and when I first laid eyes on her, she felt so familiar. She came over and hugged me good and I was immediately charmed. Within a few minutes, we were snuggling around granny’s kitchen table, followed by a few hours of tears, talking through some hard things, trying to find our center…together…three women living different lives, with similar values and helping one another to stand in our integrity.

The same circle of love followed us into the salon the next morning. We walked in to find Stephanie (the dread goddess) lighting incense for us, with her wide gorgeous eyes, squealing “do you know how long I’ve been looking forward to this?? I hope you guys don’t mind that you’re stuck with me all day when the appointments are done!” I loved that she planned her day with us. Again…there were hugs and hearts spilled on her vintage couch and tears and wisdom shared.

Do you know that feeling of walking around with an expanded heart? A feeling of calm and openeness? But also a buzz of excitement and connection and like something bigger is happening here? Like…we were all brought together to learn something, to walk away from this weekend changed? This is how it felt. That buzz. Each of us felt it and acknowledged it.

Then in walks Sara Janssen…a dear blog friend, whom I’ve connected with via email and also am collaborating on something with. We were not sure if she was going to make it, as her family is on tour. She immediately felt like a kindred to each of us (while we ran our fingers through her delicious dreads within minutes of her arriving).

Then close to the end, in walks Megan, Cousin Mary’s roommate from college…and we all hopped in our cars and gathered at Stephanie’s house, which was surreal in and of itself. Such an ethereal haven of magic and mystery in every room. We then ventured out and walked through puddles and in the rain to lunch, where as you see in the second to last photo above, there was some much needed laughter and release.

Later that night we met with my dear yummy friend Amy Seeley…whose music has torn apart and put together our hearts. This new gathering of souls felt harmonious with what the hours prior had already cultivated. We first sat near a fire place to have some pretty drinks before dinner and immediately cut to the chase about where our hearts were.

Each one of these women are hardly into surface talk and perhaps that is why the gatherings felt so deep and intense but marvelous and soul shifting.

Definitely a Ya Ya essence and it is why I can wait. I can wait and weather the long periods of time I don’t spend with my girlfriends because it truly only takes a few minutes to get right into the good stuff and reconnect and refuel and create memories that linger with me during those lonely moments away from them.

I am learning to trust the unfolding of these gatherings. Trust that when all is aligned there will be a balance of intensity and lightness, the Yin & Yang of personalities that as women in friendships, we all crave the balance of.

I think why I am reflecting and reveling so much in this is that this past year, I have really come to a place of not having expectations when gathering with women and friends. I know each of us as women (and men) crave deep and easy connections but sometimes, when we force these, it can be hard and hurtful or dissapointing. I felt aware of this revelation while at Squam this year; that when I let go of trying, connections happened more naturally and with ease. I observed this in my own life and also became aware by observing others going through it as well. Now I wonder if because I am letting go of expectations surrounding this, that I am attracting what I need within my life surrounding friendships.

self portrait, canon 50d

I was just sharing with a friend the other day that the process of my dreadlocks loosening, fraying, filling in the spaces, stretching, breaking, opening…is such a metaphor for my journey…of me, really.

They’ve been on my head for three months…but the movement and meaning behind it all has been there so much longer.

It is not at all just a hair do to me.

photo by thea coughlin at squam art workshops

I get so many sweet endearing emails about dreamy dread heads to be…or already dreaded peeps asking me what product I put on my dreads or what my maintenance is. There are also these really cool dreadlock Flickr groups where we reach out to strangers and ask one another such things and support one another through this wild journey of knotted hair.

Yet there are some out there that don’t have blogs, Flickr or Facebook accounts and this is why I wanted to share my story here, for those folks and also for those that are closet dread heads where no one in your life has any idea you desire these locks for your own head. You’re that person working in an office with button up shirts and ties or Banana Republic suits but meanwhile you wish to walk in with knotted hair smelling like patchouli and lighting incense in your cubicle. ; ) Trust me…I was that girl once. This is for you too.

And for that darling anonymous commenter that continues to tell me on a weekly basis how boring and annoying my dread posts or dread photos are, need I remind you that this is my Dread Journey and this is my journal to which I share my life. Which means I will share about it here just like I shared my Fertility & Adoption journeys. That will include photos. Just like all the other dread head blogs I have been reading in the past. I longed for recent photos and details of their journeys. It helped inspire me and gave me strength and bravery for when I decided to take the leap. So, if it bores or annoys you, you might want to just stop reading because I will continue to do this with hopes to help others along the way the same way I was helped. I find those comments so odd (and I don’t give them an ounce of energy, really) because it would be like me going into your home, opening up your journal and telling you to write something different. Funny how we would never do that in person but in this public space, hiding under anonymity, people feel more free to spread their negative opinions about you.

And I suppose this opens up an opportunity for me to give a shout out to that other anonymous commenter that continues to tell me on a weekly basis that I am not paying enough attention to my husband as I always talk about Cedar and my relationship with my son. My husband and I actually giggle at these comments, mainly because there is a very good reason I keep him out of most of my posts. My husband now works in education with hundreds of teenagers (some of whom read my blog) and he is more comfy with me keeping most things private or else he will get teased or feel awkward and that’s not what I want to bring to my husband’s work life. People who know me both on this blog and beyond this blog (especially those reading for years), know that my connection to my husband is deep and romantic and crazy wild in love.

After years of writing a blog, I move through these oddities so much quicker than in the beginning. I am now moderating comments and deleting ones with negative, cruel energy as I want this space to always be a positive and safe space to land for all who come visit with kind intentions.

Okay, wiping hands of such things and moving onto dread goodies…

I wanted to post the most recent photo of my dreads taken last week at Squam by my frister Thea. I like how it is a close up and also shows what I am dealing with right now…”fly aways and fuzz!” At first I sort of freaked out about it. I was so used to the tightness of my dreads when they were first crocheted and I recall my dread stylist telling me “there will be a time when they begin to unravel and get fuzzy and it will be an adjustment period for you.”. Most clients that live close to her make an appointment when the unraveling begins if they so desire (some really dig the fuzz right away and don’t want it to be fixed). I don’t have that luxury since she is all the way in Portland, an airplane ride away for me. So, I am currently planning a maintenance appointment sometime in November when another dear blog friend is getting her dreads. We thought it would be fun to coordinate these appointments and make a girl-fest out of it.

This maintenance appointment will consist of her tightening my roots (because they’ve grown out a bit) and crocheting in the long pieces of fly away hairs that have completely come out and working back in the fuzz wherever I want it tucked in. All done with none other than a crochet hook (no products).

That’s the other thing…since I have crocheted dreads, I don’t use wax products like other dread heads do that used products/backcombing in the very beginning to create their dreads. The products I use are only made of essential oils, water and aloe vera gel. This is just my personal preference. Some really love the other way of creating locks.

I started using Dr. Bronners Lavender Castille Soap but what I noticed was that it left behind some residue and I started getting little soap flakes on my scalp and dreads. It also made my scalp more itchy. Not very sexy… at. all. This may not happen to others as my dread stylist LOVED Dr. Bronners but it didn’t work for me and the texture of my hair.

So, my husband ordered me some Dread Soap from Dread Head HQ and I love love love it. I notice that not only does it not leave behind residue but my dreads have felt tighter and cleaner.

To make my dreads feel soft and smelly good, I use the following essential oil sprays:

• Aura Cacia Aromatherapy Mist in Patchouli & Sweet Orange (got at Whole Foods)
• Knottyboy Peppermint Cooling Moisture Spray (for itchy scalp and dry dread relief)

My hubs also bought me Knottyboy Locksteady Dreadlock Tropical Tightening Gel. I have only used it on one dreadlock to test it and noticed a wee bit of a difference but wasn’t sure about how my dread felt a bit hard rather than soft. I may have put too much on. It says to use a teeny bit.

And just for fun…must show you the basket hat Boho Boy bought me for my birthday. It fits my dreads so well. That was one thing I missed at Squam, was a hat for my head when it was freezing in our cabin at night (hat didn’t arrive in time for my trip). It is the perfect hat to wear this Winter, dear dreadies. Here are a few more lovelies for your pretty heads as well.

This is where I have purchased some dread beads. Beads are so fun. I take them out when I shower but put them back on different dreads when I feel inspired. Some leave them in at all times. I like to change it up a bit. My husband bought some more gorgeous beads for me here.

For those of you that are just now coming to this space and wondering where I got my dreadlocks, I went to the Dread Goddess at Akemi Salon in Portland. I wrote about it here on my blog.

It warmed my heart when I was approached a few times at Squam by some lovelies that wanted to share with me they understood why I did what I did. They got that getting dreads for me was so much more than a change of hairstyle. That I had been associating my beauty with my long flowing hair and have been hiding behind it a bit. It was absolutely refreshing to walk around Squam and not care what my hair looked like or not spend time making it look lovely. I am hardly consumed with my hair now and I can put my energy towards heart things. It is also so many other things to me but I have already shared it all here before.

Well, I hope this helps. It has been fun getting in contact with dread lovelies all around the world and sharing the wisdom and emotions and the support. It is an interesting and unique process to go through and it so helps to not feel alone. That may sound dramatic but truly…having a bunch of knotty ropes on your head can really bring up some interesting stuff people! ; )