cedar processing the loss and pretending to cut them. ; )

goodbye precious beauties of all tones, shapes and sizes. you hold so many stories and magic.

the products (details below)

cedar helping mama brush out a dread

mmmm…softness. taken last week. a bit more has been brushed out since.

cedar and me in vancover, b.c. last weekend. you can see how long my hair is even though the dreads were cut to my shoulder or above. when your hair is dreaded, it shrinks up in length.

Days have been moist with grayish tones in these parts lately. The sun will come out for a few minutes to remind us of what is to come and quickly hide beneath the mist. This morning the sun came out and shortly after our second snow of the season began to fall. In this moment as I sit up in our bed, snuggled in the sheets, looking out the bedroom window, I can see the snowflakes getting larger by the fall. Its so romantical to me. We are not used to Winter’s permission to cocoon having lived in Southern California for 10 years. This time of cocooning has been full of so much transformation for my wee family.

Just as I am moving slowly and mindfully and simply in my life these days, I am doing the same with my dreadlocks. Brushing them out has been a very slow and mindful process. I didn’t really know how long it was going to take. I didn’t have much of a plan. I know some people just get to it and keep brushing until they are all smooth, a few days later. But for me, my life with a toddler that requires me to be fully engaged doesn’t lend for that kind of time. So, I’ve been doing one or two during the evening when he is asleep. Most days just one because they take about an hour to an hour and a half to finish. I pick them out slowly and gently for less damage. There have been times when I let almost a week go by because I needed a break from it. As soon as I started to feel impatient, I took some time off. Because I want this process to be a peaceful one. And I want it to mean something…to be a ritual of letting go of what does not serve me and keeping close what does.

I started with 40 dreadlocks. I think I am down to 25. When I do it, I choose one on each side of my head to keep the loose parts even in the front. So I am moving from front to back. Right now the sides of my head are completely loose and I am going to start with the back of my head tomorrow but will do the top part of the back first.

I thought I was going to have a few friends help me. A handful of beautiful souls have offered but I am finding myself wanting to do it alone. I also have a certain way of picking them out that is working, so I worry that it would be hard for others to emulate. Part of me wonders if this is a control issue I am having or if it is more my inner self knowing this ritual is something I need to do for me. I am not sure yet. I do know that if a friend is over and I am feeling it, I will most definitely try to have them join in. I know since I am doing it alone, it is why it is taking so long. My husband would do it but since his job is designing on a computer all day, the last thing his already sore wrists and arms need is to brush out one of my dreads. It all works out perfectly.

I have noticed that my boys are cuddling up to me more. As I said in my video, they both have sensitive skin, so were unable to snuggle me and my head for too long before red bumps or rashes appeared on their skin. This is part of why I am craving softness, although not the whole of it. But an important part. I love how Cedar’s been laying his head on my shoulder for much much longer these days. I marinate deep in those moments.

As each dread is released, I am feeling lighter and more weightless. My head hitting the pillow at night feels more freedom to roll about and sink into its softness. I have less headaches and neck aches. In a deeper sense, emotionally right now I am rising out of some old patterns in my life that were not healthy for me and I know this ritual has been part of that. This transformation to softness so much confirms the gentleness I am wanting to attract into my life. It is all becoming so clear to me.

More on that later. Here is what most of you have been writing and asking me about…

Boho’s Dreadlock Removal Ritual:

• In the late morning, I soak the one or two dreads I want to brush out in a big bowl of warm water for as long as I can handle it. 10 minutes is ideal but I soak them realistically for about 5 minutes.
• I then wash those dreads in the sink with Knotty Boy Dread Removal Shampoo and rinse.
• I pour a quarter size dollop of Knotty Boy Dread Conditioner in my palm and work it into my dread and root.
• When the dread dries (which for me is by evening), I sit on my couch or the floor in front of a mirror and begin picking with the comb that came with the Knotty Boy Dread Removal Kit (I hear Dreadhead HQ’s Dread Zasta and their comb is awesome too).  I start from the bottom of the dread and finish up at the root.  The root is the most sensitive part.
• I like to pull the dread apart first before picking.  Its not really a brushing motion.  The brushing motion seems to damage it more.  I just pick and pull out the hairs and I brush the dread at the end when I am all finished.  You will find a lot of gook in them, which is product that was left inside the dread probably from not rinsing them well enough.  Its a bit groovy to see what comes out.  ; )
• When I am finished, I treat the hair that has been brushed out with a few Shea Moisture organic all natural products.  I start with shampooing with Shea Moisture Organic Raw Shea Butter Moisture Retention Shampoo.  Then after rinsing, I apply the Shea Moisture Organic Raw Shea Butter Deep Treatment Masque and leave in for about 10 minutes.  Once rinsed and lightly towel dried, I apply Shea Moisture Coconut & Hibiscus Curl and Hold Smoothie to retain my curl and bring bounce back.
• All of these tips were inspired by watching this gorgeous diva’s video.  Although she used Dreadhead products.  I wanted to but they took too long to ship.  I am happy with Knotty Boy.

While picking/brushing the dread, strands and clumps of hair come out and by the time you are done, you have a big ball of hair to throw out.  Which I hear is normal because we lose hair every day but if its been locked in a dread for years, all of that excess hair needs to be released.  It was an odd feeling at first because my hair seemed thinner and a different texture.  Once I washed and conditioned it, it felt a lot more like my hair but I know its going to take time for it to be more nourished.  I have patience. ; )

It does feel wavier/curlier than it used to.  Which is fun and playful.  And I have really enjoyed wearing hats that I was unable to wear with dreads!

With all of this slowing down, I have done almost nothing with my short nubbed out dreadlocks. I have only been able to brush out 10 of them in the front. I am brushing from the front to the back. My head has been achy for about a week with both bugs hitting me hard, so I needed to leave it alone. But most importantly, I really want to be in a space of feeling present and with full intention when I brush them out one by one…because it is all part of the journey for me. A way to savor. That is my word for “slow” these days as I have always known I go about things slowly. And at times in the past, it was made into something wrong about me by myself or others. Now I just embrace that I love to savor what is in front of me.

I will continue with my dread journey in the next post but until then, here are a few images of the last few days that I wanted to share…

Oh how I wish I looked THIS cute after I vomited…

What happens when you mix long hair with a remote controlled flying helicopter…

So, note to self…when playing with helicopter, wear Cedarbun…

And…my phone broke to pieces and I didn’t have it for a few weeks but felt so blessed to find out we were able to upgrade to a iPhone 4S! But look at my yummy new bamboo Deer cover from Grove…{sigh}…

{thank you to Sus for guiding me to Grove. she is my go to friend for gorgeous gadgets}

This video was recorded last week. I needed some time to marinate before I shared with the world beyond these four walls the steps I was about to take on my dread journey. When a transformation is about to begin and we are still moving through the vulnerable parts, other people’s opinions or attachments to our choices can cause need for more reflection. This is why I chose to do this more quietly. Which is the space I have been dwelling in for a while now; quiet, inward, meditation, listening. I am remembering the importance of living just to live in the present moment while practicing letting go of that need to be seen and validated in those moments. I am really honoring finding my self worth from within rather than from what others feel about me.

All this to say, I have been walking with this transformation for about a week now and it is in such alignment with this path I am on of not needing to create a big or bold statement with my choice. I am just moving slower these days. Quieter. Softer. Gentler. And as my hair has so often been an expression of where I am at in my life, this choice feels so good and true. I will share more details about the next phase of this transformation in my next blog post this week.

A couple of things…

• The sound is off with the movement of my lips. Not sure why. Ah well.
• Its really long. Like 19 minutes long and I cut out a lot. Was feeling chatty. ; )
• Pictures to follow very soon in the next post. For those of you that are unable to watch the video, my next post will get into more detail about this decision.
• Links for products and videos will be in next post as well.
• Lots of “ummm” goin’ on between thoughts. ; )

This is the darkest my hair has ever been.  Had to get a shot of it for posterity.  My friend colored it last night.  I especially love this photo because I am giving Cedar a forced cuddle to get the shot for my family and friends to send on their phone.  He just wants to be playing in the puddles…not snuggling his mama.  Most of the times he will pose but not when there are huge pools of water to splash in.  We weren’t prepared for the downpour of rain today.  So we got soaked and you can see tiny beads of raven tinted drops all over my head.

I am still trying to get used to having raven dreadies.  I might now explore having one indigo and one purple colored one.  I feel like it looks sort of vixen-ish.  Boho Boy agreed.  Why not spice it up!

My sister Dar was in town this week. She is a crafty goddess. It all comes natural to her (me…well, i have to work at it). When I told her about my circle of dread sisters and their ideas on how to adorn their dreads, she was inspired. Off to the craft store we went and I got to pick out all these pretty colors of embroidery thread. It was like a candy store. I could have taken them all home but I’m not really wanting a rainbow head. ; ) Just splashes of color here and there and a few that really stand out. I tried to get colors that went with the tones of my hair…except one green one. I heart green. My walls will tell you so.

I wanted to share a few pictures of it with you. A few with them up and one with them down, so you can see how they lay.

She took an embroidery needle (they are big) and after pulling the thread through the eye of the needle, she poked it in and out at the root of my dread and then criss-crossed the thread all the way down to where the knots stop (i have loose hair at the ends). Then she knotted it at the bottom but also closed it tight with a small black rubber band. I am curious how long they will stay in. I will have to be gentle when I wash my hair.  I was in need of some nourishing girl pamper time.  She made me feel like a medieval goddess.

Our time together was full of warmth and laughter.  She once taught preschool and elementary, so it is so inspiring to watch her interact with Cedar on the floor.  I learned a lot from her and so did he.  Within a few days, he was saying new words.  I also noticed he is a lot more animated in her presence.  He loves to entertain:  Throws his arms about while giving a speech, makes as many facial expressions as he can so we will laugh at him, uses objects as microphones to pretend he is on stage talking into them, also uses objects and pretends they are phones and while he chats away, he throws his head back in laughter.  Does mommy do that?  He must have got it from somewhere.  ; )

Darlene was often tackled with hugs and smothered with kisses.  I so adore that he is warmly affectionate…with humans, animals and stuffed animals.  She shares a bit about her time in our home on her blog here.  It means so much to have her here helping with Cedar so I could do things I normally wouldn’t.  I really desire to be very present with him during our days…especially as he is sponging everything in around him.  So, sometimes laundry and cleaning take a back seat until nap time or when daddy comes home.  Dar gave me the freedom to work about the house.  Also, it was just so wonderful to have company.  I’ve been feeling lonely lately for in person friendship.  I know this will be more available to me when we move but right now, it’s a bit rough.  My cup feels full.

{for the 94 of you that were not chosen by random.org for Keri Jioras’s CD, my friend Brooke is having a giveaway on her blog here!}

this is how my life feels right now.  a little bumpy and loopy and frayed.  this is why my dreadlocks parallel my life in a beautiful, messy way.  ; )

i am having a wee bit of computer issues.  hence…the lack of posting and spilling.  i recorded a long, heart soaked vlog for all of you today and when i replayed it, i sounded like i was sitting in a closet with cotton in my mouth.  i think i cried.  well, okay i admit, i DID cry because i really wanted you to hear it.  so i will try to share again what i felt inspired to share in that moment.  it might not look the same but it will be what is supposed to be sent out into the world, i must trust.

i’ve had two weeks of emotional upheavally days (yes, just made up that word) with sweet, dear cedar…and his deep need to express himself, along with his frustration that he is unable to do it fully with words.  so i shared about it in a very raw and vulnerable way on the vlog i recorded this morning while he was napping.  it felt so HEALING to get it out there and release.  then he woke up and was in such a soft, cuddly, present mood with me.  our day was pretty stellar.  i took him on a nature walk and there was so much connectedness between us.  i honestly believe it was because he could feel my release of worry for him and my trust in the process and his sensitive soul opened up more space for us.  when my husband came home tonight, i couldn’t stop talking about our wonderful day (because for the last two weeks, he came home to a weepy, exhausted, emotional wife).

i thought i was losing it yesterday. today i felt so centered and present and patient and alive.  motherhood is beautiful lumpy bumpy ride, man…with lots and lots of groovy grooves.

i am posting the video anyways, for those of you that have earphones and can turn up your volume loud enough to perhaps gather a few words.  ; )  just so i don’t feel it was completely for naught.

look at all the twisties, twirlies and bumpies (and i just noticed that i need more 
beads on the other side.  i rarely look at the back of my head!)

As of August 1st, my dreadies were one year old.

I took these photos for all of you yesterday…the day after I washed them.  The few days following me washing my dreads, they have a lot of fly-aways and are a bit more fuzzy than usual.  I thought it is still important that I photograph this part of the process.  I always joke with my husband that I look like a wet dog during those few days.  ; )

Sitting in that chair with the dread goddess, Stephanie at Akemi Salon feels like yesterday.  It was such an emotionally full time for our wee family.  The following day after getting my dreads in Portland, we went to visit Cedar’s birth parents for the first time since birth.  He was 9 months old.  Perhaps some of you remember.

I felt so wrapped up on that day.  My family and my lovelies sent me off to Portland with wishes and dreams and strength and courage.  I was joined at the salon by my dear talented friend Amy Seeley, who sat on the vintage sienna couch near where Stephanie was twisting and knotting and infusing my hair with magic and faerie dust.  Here we all are in this photo mid-way through the process…

Don’t you just love Cedar’s shell-shocked face?  Like…“what the heckity heck is my mommy doing with her soft hair?”  Later, Amy soothed Cedar with a private concert in her home, playing her piano and singing to us songs from her upcoming album.  He was so crushed out.  Especially when she let him sit on her lap and pound the piano keys.  ; )

This journey has been so dear to my heart.  It is obviously not just a hair-do to me and I think most people that go on a dread journey would say that.  So much of the process of my hair beginning to dread on its own, paralleled my fertility journey.  At first the strands were so tightly wound with expectations and then slowly, very very slowly,  they began to unravel and unfurl and let go and loosen.  Through it all there were so many fears of how they would turn out and disappointments.  Finally I began to see it all clearly as each of them found a home on my head and I came to a place of acceptance and embraced the curves and bumps and fly-aways as part of the whole of what my dreadlocks are.  The whole of what and who I am.

Journeys are messy and beautiful and full of being broken and put back together and rediscovering who we are and finding our center through it all.

Since I sat in that chair a dozen or more people connected via my blog or my friends have sat in Stephanie’s chair and I received those panic emails after a month or two, just like the phone calls I made to Stephanie.  “Are they supposed to look like this?  Like a bag lady who hasn’t washed her hair in months?  What are these bumps?  I have so many fly away strands! Are they coming undone?” 

In her gentle voice, she would always respond to me…“Oh, they are so perfect, Denise.  They are just where they need to be in this very moment.”  She is the Zen Priestess of Dreadlocks, that woman and totally gets the parallels of dreadlocks and life.

So I have embraced the idea of letting them do their dance.  I don’t do any maintenance myself.  I don’t crochet them.  I don’t put gel or wax on them and because of this, they are a bit wild and free where as those that tend to maintenance them on a daily basis have perfectly tight locks.

I did do maintenance once in Portland when I was there to support a friend…

jess, sara, me and steph at akemi salon after first maintenance appt.

I may go again next year to see Steph.  I remember thinking  I would want Stephanie to start from the beginning and tighten them up as they were that first day but when I sat down and looked at them in a new light and saw how teary and proud she was, I realized I loved them just as they were and she only did a few touch ups.  Since then, I went to two other people, who were lovely women but it just wasn’t the same spiritual experience and they ended up being too tight for me.  But the photo I showed Stephanie when I sat in her chair that first day was of a woman that had loose, flowy locks with strands of hair free from the knots and very loose curly ends and long un-dreaded bangs.  This is how Stephanie wore hers when she had them and she said those are her absolute favorite to create.  I remember her response was “Oh you are so my girl!”

I do put smelly goods on them and conditioning sprays for the days where they feel a bit too dry.  I wash them once a week, sometimes once every two weeks if I haven’t been swimming or at the beach or getting dirty at all.  I think because my hair is so thick and there is so much of it, that I am able to go longer without washing than those with thinner hair.  My hair has always been like that growing up.

I will say the hardest part of this process for me has been how my scalp has responded.  Since my hair is so, so heavy, the weight of the dreads irritate my scalp and has caused some flakeage.  I also think I sometimes don’t fully wash out my dread shampoo, which can add to the itching.  This apparently is very typical and one way to help sooth is rubbing tea tree oil through the scalp or spraying it with peppermint spray.

Here are the products I use:

Knotty Boy Green Tea Conditioning Spray (to keep them soft and smelling fresh)
Knotty Boy Peppermint Cooling Moisture Spray (for itchies and irritated scalp)
Knotty Boy Dread Shampoo (this works better for my head than DreadHead shampoos or Dr. Bronners…but every head is unique).

I haven’t yet gotten as creative with my hair as I had dreamed.  Perhaps because I have a little toddler boy that holds my attention most of the day.  But I would like to spend some time playing with up-do’s and headbands and flowers and long strands of fabric/ribbon tied into my hair.  I do wear beads all the time but I take them out at night because I can’t sleep with them (most people leave them in).  My beads come from all over the place online and from friends.  If you do a search on Etsy for “dread beads”, you will find so many handmade beauties.  I also love the wooden flower beads at Knotty Boy.  Etsy also has gorgeous hats for dreads if you do a search.

Well, I hope this helps as MANY of you have asked me to write about my dreads for months now and I wanted to wait until my One Year Dreadiversary to celebrate and answer them.

Here is another pic I took with my phone the other day before washing.  You can see how they are a bit tighter than the images above.

If I haven’t answered all of your questions, do ask in the comments and I will answer in the comment section as well.

Blessings on the journeys of all of you dreadies to be…xoxox

me & a birdie today at the wild animal park

My friend Lisa colored my hair yesterday. Violet Red. I love the way that sounds…“violet red”. Mmmmm. I needed a change. A bit of spice oh so nice. And my has it worked. Today I wore tighter clothes and flirted with my husband. I thought I had forgotten how to flirt. It all came back.

Note to self: take better care of me and wear clothes that show the curves.

I am on the road to nurturing myself, loving me for me and flirting with the idea that I am enough. As is. Will you join?

Roar.

{I hear a collective roar from all of you lovely ladies out there. do something yummy for YOU this weekend}

p.s. i found out that i am a bird whisperer today. this sweet birdie didn’t want to leave me and i fell in love. ; )

I finally found a sweet spirit here locally that does dreadlock maintenance. After a few hours of girly chatter and crocheting my dreads, she taught me a few fun styles. These french braids (above) was one of them. I tried it myself the other day and wanted to share the fun with you.

So, if anyone is in the Southern California area and would love to get crocheted dreads and/or maintenance, Amber can be your girl! She’s SO adorable and fun and comes with awesome stories about living in Los Angeles and socializing with the Hollywood peeps.

I absolutely adore my friend and dread goddess Stephanie, but I can’t always fly to Portland to get them prettied. I am trying to organize a dreadie mama weekend getaway in Portland soon, though.

I am working on my photos and post about Bellingham. I caught a wee bit of a sore throat/head cold and needed to lay low today. I am longing to share it with all of you and process it here in this space. Soon, soon…

steph & jess…these women teach me so much

cousin mary on akemi’s couch

steph studying sara’s dreads

steph crocheting sara’s beauties

the janssen family on tour

steph crocheting my hair

jess & me snuggling on steph’s couch with the dread kitty (at her home)

the hauntingly romantic and gorgeous home of the dread goddess

jess & steph at a bakery/cafe

clockwise bottom left: jess, steph, cousin mary & megan at mississipi station
for lunch post dread appt.

and here is my result…

amy seeley & me at The Farm Cafe for dinner post dread appt.

We all surfaced from this weekend with hearts that shifted, expanding wider and deeper and softer. I was exhausted on the plane ride home. But a good exhausted. The kind when you’re replaying over and over scenes from the last few days in your head and there is too much excitement to sleep. Even though my head was pounding, I had a smile on my face as I gazed out the window at the rainy clouds beneath the wing. The belly of my heart felt full of all of the soulfood that these women fed me and I was in something that felt like a soulfood coma. You know what I mean?

Perhaps it is a blessing that the dear ones in my life do not live near me. Blessing in a sense that when I do gather with them, my senses are heightened and I soak in every word droplet and story and heart spilling and I hold their hands and walk arm in arm and snuggle them close and don’t take a single second for granted. Perhaps if I saw them every day, I wouldn’t notice all the teeny tiny beautiful details as I do when we have these gatherings (or perhaps I would). I suppose I am going there in my head because most of the time I feel sad living away from my buds but if I shift my perspective to the blessings of those small but amazingly precious moments, then I’ll feel more grateful than sad.

Over the course of a few days, so much of what happened during the dreadie love fest was not in the original plan but it ended up unfolding so beautifully. We were all in such an open and relaxed head space that whatever came our way just made sense, because we allowed the moment to teach us.

Jessamyn was the one that found us a place to stay. It would be at her cousin Mary’s grandmother’s home (who was on vacation). When I arrived, I met Cousin Mary (this is what I named her) at the airport for the first time and when I first laid eyes on her, she felt so familiar. She came over and hugged me good and I was immediately charmed. Within a few minutes, we were snuggling around granny’s kitchen table, followed by a few hours of tears, talking through some hard things, trying to find our center…together…three women living different lives, with similar values and helping one another to stand in our integrity.

The same circle of love followed us into the salon the next morning. We walked in to find Stephanie (the dread goddess) lighting incense for us, with her wide gorgeous eyes, squealing “do you know how long I’ve been looking forward to this?? I hope you guys don’t mind that you’re stuck with me all day when the appointments are done!” I loved that she planned her day with us. Again…there were hugs and hearts spilled on her vintage couch and tears and wisdom shared.

Do you know that feeling of walking around with an expanded heart? A feeling of calm and openeness? But also a buzz of excitement and connection and like something bigger is happening here? Like…we were all brought together to learn something, to walk away from this weekend changed? This is how it felt. That buzz. Each of us felt it and acknowledged it.

Then in walks Sara Janssen…a dear blog friend, whom I’ve connected with via email and also am collaborating on something with. We were not sure if she was going to make it, as her family is on tour. She immediately felt like a kindred to each of us (while we ran our fingers through her delicious dreads within minutes of her arriving).

Then close to the end, in walks Megan, Cousin Mary’s roommate from college…and we all hopped in our cars and gathered at Stephanie’s house, which was surreal in and of itself. Such an ethereal haven of magic and mystery in every room. We then ventured out and walked through puddles and in the rain to lunch, where as you see in the second to last photo above, there was some much needed laughter and release.

Later that night we met with my dear yummy friend Amy Seeley…whose music has torn apart and put together our hearts. This new gathering of souls felt harmonious with what the hours prior had already cultivated. We first sat near a fire place to have some pretty drinks before dinner and immediately cut to the chase about where our hearts were.

Each one of these women are hardly into surface talk and perhaps that is why the gatherings felt so deep and intense but marvelous and soul shifting.

Definitely a Ya Ya essence and it is why I can wait. I can wait and weather the long periods of time I don’t spend with my girlfriends because it truly only takes a few minutes to get right into the good stuff and reconnect and refuel and create memories that linger with me during those lonely moments away from them.

I am learning to trust the unfolding of these gatherings. Trust that when all is aligned there will be a balance of intensity and lightness, the Yin & Yang of personalities that as women in friendships, we all crave the balance of.

I think why I am reflecting and reveling so much in this is that this past year, I have really come to a place of not having expectations when gathering with women and friends. I know each of us as women (and men) crave deep and easy connections but sometimes, when we force these, it can be hard and hurtful or dissapointing. I felt aware of this revelation while at Squam this year; that when I let go of trying, connections happened more naturally and with ease. I observed this in my own life and also became aware by observing others going through it as well. Now I wonder if because I am letting go of expectations surrounding this, that I am attracting what I need within my life surrounding friendships.