Boho Girl

Last night, I left this in the kitchen for my husband to see when getting ready for work this morning. A bit of the water was gone when I woke up. My belly felt warm inside knowing he had taken a drink before leaving and that Cedar too has taken a few sips.

This Full Moon…She has been healing.  I have felt very connected to Her this month.  Since the decision has been made to postpone my e-course until space opens up in my life to give of myself in that way, I have felt a lightness of being.  This is when I know the  decision was a right one.  Since, I have felt more present with Cedar (read: doing less dishes, laundry and emailing less, more sitting on the floor and listening, playing, communicating, observing).  I have noticed a shift in him as well.  We so pick up on one another’s energy but I think it is more than that.  I think he feels more connected to me now that I am more available to connect with.

I heard something from a friend today that is the embodiment of what is transforming already for me:  When I surrender to motherhood fully and am present to these little ones, it seems like more doors open, more time appears, more creativity flows.  My energy level rises.  When I struggle with it, which is necessary to do and it part of our work, I am blocked and unhappy and tired.

I didn’t realize how much the stress of taking on something that is so huge and important to me was filling up massive amounts of space in my days.  As the stress is lifting, space is opening. I feel it deep and wow, am amazed that I am walking around with a bit more energy and dare I say, inspiration! Cedar even went down for a second nap today. That is UNHEARD of around here.

It is a dear dream of mine to share my story, to gather women, to nourish, to connect and to feel and see the purpose of my journey.  There are more dreams.  I have SO many dreams.  I am a dreamer.  And for five years, I shared in this space another dream.  That dream was to be a mother.  That is one dream I AM living.  So with this one dream of mine to be the mother that Cedar needs, there may be other dreams that will still be in my heart but will patiently wait until I have the time and space to nurture them.  It could be in 6 months or 1 year or even 2 years but they will be given wings to fly.

Last night I brought my bowl of water up to the veranda.  I held it near my heart.  I gazed up at the bright and lusciously full Moon for a long while.  I took deep breaths.  I allowed myself to feel the pull of energy, the vibration and the light.  I looked down at my bowl of water and saw the reflection of the moon dancing in the soft waves.  It was then I noticed I was swaying.  I asked our Moon to bless this water with healing and calm and knowing as my family steps into this new journey:  Cleansing and preparing for an environment that is simpler, quieter and more trusting.

As the Full Moon shows Her brightness, I myself am feeling full inside. Grateful for being honest with myself.  Grateful that my husband was honest with me about his concerns.  Grateful that I have received an abundance of support and gentleness from family and friends.  Grateful for my dreams and how patient they are with me.  Grateful for remembering that I am living one of my most precious dreams.  Grateful it has been revealed to me that it is okay to slow down, to marinate and discover the creativity and coolness of being exactly where I am at today.

I am sipping this Moon Water all day in reflection and feeling these truths sink into my bones.

{this is me, at the end of the day, lounging outside at the hot springs.  taken with my phone for my family and friends that were inquiring how i was feeling.  i think this photo says it all.  especially because i still have mud in my dreads!}

On my birthday, I woke up to a spa packet on the table with a note that said something a long the lines of…“You have given so much to me and Cedar and have lost countless hours of sleep without much alone time.  We want you to be pampered.”

He sent me away yesterday to Glen Ivy Hot Springs for a day full of treatments (massage, detox wrap, facial, pedicure and an underground body mask & shower). I then went to a hotel and spent the night in a huge bed, sleeping longer than I have in two years, without interruption.

Holy tears.  Boho Boy often tells me that he sees and recognizes all the little things I do as a stay at home mother and wife but there was something so beautiful about him planning this for me.  It was a testimony to “actions speak louder than words”, you know?  I really FELT that he got what I was needing and honored me and created this space for me to renew myself…even if it meant that the weekend would be extra hard on him having to manage both work and Cedar, with no help.  It was selfless and I do not take that for granted.

So, I love mud now.  ; )  There was this area called Club Mud where you walk into a muddy pool and in the middle is a pillar with a huge clump of mud and you smooth it all over your body, step outside, lay out in the sun until it dries and you exfoliate your body with a towel and then stand underneath a tiny cave with a shower in it. I have never done this before.  My body loved it.

These particular hot springs were not exactly what my husband imagined for me.  It was actually a bit club med-like…with cement and pools everywhere and people drinking and partying and making out.  It was definitely a social place to gather and I think I was the only one alone.  But there was a moment when I was in the Grotto, which is an underground cave-like place where when you first walk in, someone brushes your body (with your bathing suit on) with a lotion type mask and then you walk into this other dark room where you rub the lotion into your body for 20 minutes.  I was surrounded by couples rubbing lotion all over one another getting so totally heated if you know what I mean and there I was sitting by myself.  It was then that I had an epiphany.  Hey…this moment is all about self love for me. This whole days is. So I closed my eyes and gave my body love…especially those parts that I can often feel disconnected from and I sent those bits energy of acceptance and forgiveness and pure unconditional lovey love.

This ritual was all this weekend needed to be about.  A time to reconnect with my spirit, my body…to breathe and listen…to be gentle and quiet and empty the mind.  I am so grateful for this gift my husband gave to me.

Today I am home and I feel so renewed.  It is wonderful to be back with my boys.  I walked in the door to a husband that greeted me with a big romantic kiss and a long hug.  He sunk into me and I could tell he missed me as much as I missed him.  I spooned Cedar in our bed until he fell asleep for his nap.  My nose was nuzzled into his curls all dried and crispy from daddy’s breakfast that morning.  He smelled like dirt and eggs and I loved it.  My senses feel heightened.  I feel rested.  I have more energy.  I even feel a bit more sexy.

I think if we were to go to another hot springs, it would be more the hippy kind.  You know…where the pools actually are in the ground and you can be naked or not and it is a quiet space where people aren’t talking.  Do any of you know of a place like this?  I’d like to send my husband there and perhaps go there together one day.  We do know of Esalen…but are there others?

self portrait, 2007

Today I turn 39. I am excited to be approaching 40…just like I was excited to approach 30. A new layer to my journey.  Sinking deeper into who I am.  Deeper into being more comfortable in my skin.

I’ve been tender with emotion the last few days.  Sitting with these feelings  Stepping into them.  Reflecting on my life, the balance between openness and protecting my heart.  Meditating on what feels authentic in my bones and what feels forced.  I sense a renewal coming.  A cleansing of sorts in many areas of my life.  I’ve been thinking about age and what it means to me.

I remember in my late twenties, I was outside of my parent’s house and my dad noticed a gray hair on my head. “Geeez…you have a gray hair!” My response was “Really? Where? That’s awesome!”  I don’t necessarily feel that way about gray hairs on my head now. : )  But I do notice that I am not afraid of age but rather intrigued and thrilled.  Not sure if that will change but I am reveling in it now.

I took this self portrait while waiting for an appointment with a well know psychic in my area three years ago.  This waiting room was so very eclectic.  Not too long after this photo was taken, I was told by said psychic that a boy spirit of a baby I had in another life wanted to come back into this life to be with me.  I was a Queen, which allowed concubines to breastfeed my children and one of them was left longing for a deeper connection to me, in this life. My life had been easy…many things done for me or to me, without much independence.  In this life I wanted to know what suffering felt like.  I wanted to feel more, period.

She said other things but these were the two that continue to come into my mind.  Here I am three years later with a boy and my whole life I have FELT…everything.  Intense suffering has led to intense joy.  Not sure what to believe…but what I do know is that her telling me that felt romantic and seems to parallel how my life is unfolding.

{i woke up this morning to a husband singing happy birthday to me, hovering over my pillow lit up by a candle burning, stuck inside a gluten free/vegan raw raspberry cheesecake slice.  a.d.o.r.a.b.l.e.}

 ps. the psychic also said that my husband was a nobleman in our past life and we were in love but not allowed to be together and that is why he searched for me in this life.  that’s pretty hot.  ; )

cedar in my shades last night, celebrating with us, taken with phone

Yesterday was our last day on the cleanse. We decided to end early because we have friends visiting tomorrow and since they travel all over the country in an RV for months we wanted to provide them a home cooked meal. I just couldn’t see myself cooking a veggie curry while sipping lemonade. Call it no will power. Or call it a deep need to connect with my friends when they are here while passionately enjoying a healthy meal together. Not only would it have been awkward for them to eat in front of us but it would have been pure torture! Not into torture, thanks. ; )

So today its all about orange juice to help prepare our bodies for solid food. Mmmmm! I am going to be gentle with the curry. I won’t put any sauce on it. So, for me it will be brown rice, tofu, tempeh, veggies, pineapple, raisins, etc. Oh the joy.

Yesterday (Day was so tough for me. I woke up feeling grumped out. I am sure much of it was psychological. I struggled with ending the cleanse a few days earlier than planned. I worried that we were halting the detox process too early. I felt disappointed that I had only lost a few pounds and I only felt this way because Boho Boy had lost twice as much. Boys! I also just felt so very done with lemonade and anything liquid, really. All of this was because it was the last day. Its the same feeling right before vacation when you just can’t seem to focus on anything but not being at work. Or the last day of school and you just can’t bring yourself to do your studies.

I had to really regroup and get centered. I had to come to a place of forgiveness about ending early and an appreciation of my priorities about gatherings with friends. I had to embrace all the goodness that came out of 8 days of cleansing. The fact that I am craving pure and wholesome food. That processed food and meat make me want to gag. That I feel I have reset my desire to take care of my body, mind and soul. I am also grateful for all of the emotions that surfaced. Stuff I have been burying deep and that sans the brain fog, I could work through them with more clarity. I love that Boho Boy and I have remembered how sacred quiet time together is, sharing more and not needing to numb out on a film. We were extremely connected during this process.

Yesterday, to somewhat make up for not going the full 10 days, I did a colonic. My very first one. Lets just say I didn’t enjoy it that much. I am extremely modest with that sort of thing, so I think I wasn’t relaxed enough (not to mention the funky head space I was in). The technician was so very patient with my nerves and helped me with massage and a calm voice. I am glad I went through with it and I can say that today I feel lighter and fully cleansed and pure as a result. They discussed with us that they have a 21 day cleansing program that involved eating and supplements. I think next time we do a cleanse, we will try this.

We have bookmarked and cut out a plethora of raw food recipes. The gourmet kind. So, now we need to dust off our food dehydrator and have some fun. I am allowing myself to actually look at recipes today. Oh man…I can’t wait.

I apologize for not doing a vlog everyday as I said I would try. What is happening in Haiti just sort of shifted that desire for me. It felt a bit self absorbed or presumptuous that anyone would be interested when I would hope their energies would be with those in Haiti and not with me. I know my readers are gentle beings with huge hearts and I knew your focus would be with Haitians and the inner shifts going on inside of you as a result.

Being on a cleanse while this happened in Haiti absolutely made me more present to what was transpiring there. It brought to surface my missionary heart. This is something I need to look at. Much of my meditation was spent in prayer for them. I wonder if I wasn’t on the cleanse, if my intentions would have reached that level of empathy. I would hope so but I am not certain.

Thank you so, so much for your coaching and support through this process. It has meant the world to me and has made a huge difference in how far I went. I feel grateful that I did an 8 full day cleanse feeling circled and wrapped in love.

No more lemonade!

Yesterday and today I just can’t seem to bring myself to record a vlog about my cleanse. My heart is heavy with what is transpiring in Haiti and me sitting in from of a camera sharing about my body eliminating toxins seems self absorbed. But I know many of you are just starting the cleanse or going to do one soon and were hoping to hear how it is going. So I promise to write a bit at the end of this post. I know full well how important it is to not feel alone on a cleanse journey. I don’t know how people do this alone. I myself need partners to get through not eating for long periods of time. Food is a huge part of my life and it will continue to be so and I am looking forward to next week when we can play with some raw food recipes and soups and getting creative with veggies. But just me even writing this feels strange. There are thousands of people in Haiti that just need a glass of clean water and a blanket and I am talking about playing with recipes. It just puts everything into perspective, doesn’t it?

Somebody dear wrote this on my facebook page today about Haitians…

“let’s see them as healthy and well and safe, let’s not give any more energy to the suffering. see them as cared for and fed and having water to drink and knowing the world loves them.”

I know what she means. She is hoping us envisioning them in this way will manifest this healing. I am holding onto this vision then too. Because all I can do from here is pray and donate and spread the word and now…I will be envisioning healing beyond the suffering.

I was talking with Cedar about compassion yesterday. This morning I remembered that when Cedar was born, Myriam had sent us this shirt for him to wear (in photo above) for when he was a wee older. Its a design from her awesome company Joy Spread the Word. I grabbed it out of his dresser and felt chills when we put it on him. So perfect for what it is I want to teach him through all of this. I already see compassion in him in his behavior towards adults and even children at the park. I want to raise him with compassion for the world. Its the missionary heart in me that I hope to share with him as he grows older. I’d love to see our family someday trek to another country in need and give of our hearts there. My oldest and dear friend Letha and her family living now in Uganda are such an inspiration.

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Master Cleanse Days Six & Seven:
I feel like during the days I am coasting a bit. I am not around crowds of people cooking foods in an office kitchen like my husband, so I feel blessed that I can cocoon here in my home. The hardest part for me is the night. Especially last night (day five). I was feeling down about Haiti and I noticed I was hungrier. Its a mental thing because I associate hard emotions with comfort food. I was craving unhealthier foods for the first time in a few days. I laid down with my husband on the ground with Cedar and whined about me wanting my favorite naughty meals. What continued to put it in perspective were those in Haiti dealing with hunger and thirst in a horrible way. I stopped rolling around on the ground complaining and just drank more water, tea and lemonade. Took a lot of deep breaths and remembered why I am doing this; to rid my body of toxins that have been making me feel like crap.

I do feel like I am in detox mode. My tongue has a white film on it. I am eliminating much more than I did in the first few days of this cleanse. I need a nap during the day and I cannot do too much around the house. I go in and out of euphoria and being pensive and emotional. Although I no longer have headaches.

Overall I am doing much better this time around than the first time doing this cleanse. I am not getting sick so far with mucus filled lungs as before. I love how soft my skin is and I notice my face looks a bit younger. I was dealing with some dark under eye circles and bags and fine lines between my brows. I notice it seems more smooth. My mind is definitely more sharp than it has been in months. I even worked on my ecourse for a while the other night and felt inspired and jazzed and nourished by it all.

I am not losing a lot of weight this time around either. I think the first time I did this cleanse by day 7 I had lost 10 pounds. This time I think I’ve lost about five. It could be that my metabolism is slower now that I am nearing 40 or that my body is focusing on other things. I am trying to not put too much energy into the weight loss.

We are going to have to cut our cleanse short. We have friends visiting on Sunday that tour around the country in their RV with their family. They will be in our town this weekend. We really want to provide them a home cooked meal in a house since they are always on the road and how boring for us to be drinking lemonade while they eat our delicious food! So, we will start drinking the orange juice and broth on Saturday…the 9th day of the cleanse. This way the gathering will be comfy and warm and inviting.

{see my previous post for links on how to help Haiti}

You will be able to see in this video that my spirits have lifted so much. A lot of that has to do with all of you that were brave enough to spill about your own journeys regarding the desire to nurture your creative self when there are other commitments you also want/need to be present for. I feel so honored that you feel safe in this space to move through your own emotions. They teach me. They nurture me. They guide me. I am sitting in a soft, grateful space today because of you.

My hubs and I had a good chat about opening up more space for me to create. Meaning, we are going to schedule in evenings that I go out to a coffee shop or hide upstairs in our studio with ear phones and work a few hours per night (or at least every other night). The only reason why this “me” time has faded was because his work load became greater (he works a full time job during the day and a full time job owning his own database design firm at night and he also helps a few other peeps with computer stuffs). We are working as a team to figure out how he can lessen his load so that he can spend more time with us, as well as, nurture his own creative path (which is writing his novel) and how I can have space to finish my projects and connect to that passionate artist within me.

I love you Master Cleanse! If we weren’t doing this it might have taken longer for us to carve out time to open up and work through it. We have been consuming our family moments with eating dinner and then perhaps watching a film later in the evening. Now that we’re just sipping lemonade all day there is ample time to work on the inner hurts, the inner passions and questions and desires in our hearts that a pizza or big plate of pasta has been replacing. ; )

We don’t have all the answers yet but the fact that we feel more mindful and more aware feels very harmonious with the shifts we want to create in our life going forward after this cleanse.

Meeting Cedar’s needs is of course our first and most important priority, so we are taking one day at a time with these new intentions and Cedar’s happiness will be our guide. We’ve been waiting for Cedar for so long and we are in a space of not taking this time for granted.

Took this photo of him today. Oh how his sweet gentle spirit makes me swoon:

Thank you for all of your love and I am blown away by how many of you are starting your own cleanse. Do use this space to spill your journeys. Its wonderful to hear your perspectives on not eating food for a week (or more).

Off to sip some more Lemonade and oh yes…limes are a fun switch up. I will do limes twice a day to make it more exciting! And the slushy bowls at night are a huge hit around here.

{Forgot to mention in the vlog that my tongue is definitely coated with the white icky stuff which tells me I am deep in the trenches of detox!}

{{cedar engraved heart necklace i am wearing in the vlog is designed by stacy of bella wish!}}