Boho Girl

first image: such a HIM face : )

I remember a dear friend once telling me that once Cedar turned 3, that my husband and I would somehow find our way back to one another as a couple apart from being a family. My friend and I were talking about how much we missed our husband’s even though they were near us most of the day. We loved one another just as much, if not more but our energy and our reserves were devoted to our child and creating a nourishing lifestyle for him and by the end of the evening, we were happy to just sit near one another in silence and surrender to our exhaustion. I found myself concerned about our connectedness until my friend honored and validated me. I was in awe of her relationship with her husband and it felt reassuring to hear with both of their children, the first three years of their child’s life shifted how they connected to one another. Not a lot of people talk about this or perhaps they aren’t aware or perhaps they are too tired to be aware. But it felt validating, nonetheless.

My husband and I had many conversations about it. Allowing ourselves to be gentle in the midst of learning to be parents and put less pressure on needing to be crazy romantic lovebirds like we were before Cedar came into our lives. We looked at intimacy with a greater perspective and what intimacy meant to us as a family. Being in constant communication about our relationship hushed the gremlins that told me we had to be like them or them or even them. We just had to be us and us was pretty amazing and lots of fun. It was so good for me in that it broadened my mind about what romance is.

So three years old came around and my expectations of lots of romantic dates and hours of eye gazing and deep conversations came crashing to the ground. Oh those darn expectations! Its a constant lesson for me to let go of them. Even when I think I have none, I discover I do. Three for Cedar was full of so many transitions. It was the transitions that brought to surface many of Cedar’s anxieties and sensitivities and our world’s had to take pause. Three years old was an intense year for us as a family and just like our fertility journey, it drew my husband and I ever closer as we cocooned and healed. If I could say the most important thing that helped was the many times I came into his office (in our home) and plopped on his leather chair facing his desk and expressed my need to feel connected to him in all of this wildness. He would turn away from his computer and look into my eyes. We would find one another in those moments and whether it was about Cedar and his needs or the color blue, it was enough to just be present and it held us together.

As Cedar approached four, we felt happening what my friend talked about happening at three. As Cedar became more aware of his sensory sensitivities, he started to get into a rhythm of expressing his anxieties and needs rather than us navigating it for him. We found a beautiful and delightful babysitter that just “gets” him and his humor and his need to go into imaginary worlds. She spends time with him a few times a week and sometimes date nights. This allows me a bit of time to be alone in whatever capacity I need and it allows Boho Boy time alone when he finishes work because I am no longer too depleted to let him go. We also began connecting with a dear family a few doors down and each of us started to make dates with them. Me meeting her for coffee or tea or going on a walk and him meeting for guy time to play disc golf. One of their daughters comes over twice a week to play with Cedar and help guide him with how to share ideas and release the need to control everything in order to feel safe. We also have been surrounded by a few other souls that have compassion for Cedar and our journey. And all of these things may sound so simple to most of you…but to me, they are golden. They have breathed life into our hearts this year.

All this to say, through it all, my relationship with my husband is deepening and renewing. In fact the other day he had me belly laughing and he paused and said “its good to hear you laugh with me like that again!”. I realized in that moment how seriously I have taken everything around me. I’ve had no choice.  But the permission to embrace lightness is welcoming. Boho Boy’s humor is one of the first things about him that I fell madly in love with. I feel like we are remembering what drew us to each other in the very beginning. Its been so so good. I love him so.

{image of us taken last week by a kind stranger that offered}

I was going to write a list of things I was grateful for as Thanksgiving approaches but a list felt more than what I needed. Simplicity is filling my days. Focusing on just one thing I am grateful for is all I need in this moment.

This morning. I am grateful for this morning when my limbs were tangled with my husband and my heart was beating wildly in love and Cedar came into our room just when our lips were about to touch. Peeling away from my husband and reaching towards him as he climbed up into our bed. It felt both frustrating and amazing. And it felt dreamy: this wish I tucked away in my younger girl heart to feel this much love for my husband and for my child. To have Cedar tucked in between us while we looked at one another with a sigh and longing. It was good. So good. And enough to fill my page. Just that one thing on my list. And thank goodness Cedar went into his room to play. ; )

I would love to hear one thing…just one thing you are grateful for.

…and Cedar turns four on Thanksgiving!! We are heading to Northern California soon to be with family the remainder of the week. I miss each of them so.

{the end of our date drinking tea, reading side by side}

Date night with my love. Mmmmm. We are finally creating space to do this, mainly because we found someone who we trust to hang out with Cedar. Someone who sees him, gets him, goes to those imaginary spaces with him that he loves, he needs to go to. Someone consistent in his life, as he needs consistency. We are so grateful for this new precious soul in our lives and her presence has helped us find ourselves as individuals and as a couple again.

So, now we have a date night and its wild that even the smallest things I appreciate: our arms or hands touching, side by side in our theater seats, sitting across from him and having a conversation without interruption, just BEING with him without interruption! ; ) I am brought back to those moments when we first started dating, that anticipation and wonder. It doesn’t matter how long you’ve been married to someone, when you’re rarely alone and then suddenly you are alone, it feels fresh. Fresh because we are always evolving, even when we don’t realize it while we give so much of ourselves to our family. We talked about life before we were in each others lives and we talked about the book he has yet to finish writing.

Its simple, just a few hours alone…but truly, its so healing and connecting for us. Since we’ve always lived away from family, leaving Cedar hasn’t been a comfortable thing for us…especially because of who he is and his needs. I surrendered and trusted that we would find someone and the wait was worth it. We have found a kindred spirit in her.

…and I miss my husband. I didn’t realize it until Saturday night out on our date. My favorite part of the evening after our movie, after the dinner and inside the coffee shop, we were sunk deep into our leather chairs, reading side by side. Quiet but together, finally sinking into feeling no stress. I looked over at him and my heart fluttered and that felt amazing and I looked at his lips and wanted to kiss them.

Date night. More please.

{some birthday love & breakfast in bed for him}

My love’s first birthday in our new yellow cottage. So much to celebrate. We are finally beginning to settle. Just a few boxes to unpack. My sister is coming on Monday, so her visit motivated me to focus on creating a space that is nourishing for all of us.

I am moved so deeply how this cottage immediately felt like hOMe. Like we have spent years here before. I feel so drawn into these walls, almost as if I can feel its heart beat and my heart expand along with it. I think subconsciously I was never able to fully root myself into our darling blue cottage and now it feels more clear to me why. To all of us.

Stories to share here very soon. One that is one of the most beautiful moments of my life: two friends…Katie & Lisa doing a Buddhist ceremony for our home as me and my two boys cuddled on the bed and witnessed something so surreal and peaceful unfold.

But first…happy birthday to my dream boat.

{my boys eating breakfast and telling stories on one of our first mornings here}

happy father’s day!

xo

{ at woods coffee a few weeks ago }

The Summer months are Boho Boy’s nuttiest with his business as it all ties around education and school begins late August. All of his databases need to be running smoothly and ready for the school rush. This means long long hours into the night sometimes. It also means not a lot of relief for me, so we agreed that we should hire a babysitter for one or two nights a week so I can breathe. I needed this time to work on my niece’s engagement session but now that those images are processed, I am sitting here catching up on hundreds of emails that I have been unable to nurture.

This particular babysitter night, Boho Boy is sitting near me at the coffee shop. Usually he stays at home to work but he needed a haircut, so down the street he went to an Aveda salon and an hour later, in he walks looking like a totally different dude. I adored his long hair. So, I didn’t expect to feel butterflies. But there he was. Reminding me of the guy I met in 2002.

Before…

{i’ve been told this should be their album cover}

After…

{taken a few minutes ago at the coffee shop}

There was something else entirely that I was going to write about. But I feel a bit flustered. So I think I will just keep this post about his new do.

It reminds me of when we were first together, walking down the streets of downtown Santa Barbara and people kept staring at him, like he was a movie star. I think they thought he was Robert Downey Jr…but taller, so they were confused. On our first date, we were sitting outside of a restaurant on a bench that was up against the restaurant window. Behind us was this couple sitting at their table near the window. I looked back and noticed quite a few times that they were staring and when I told Boho Boy this, he started acting like a monkey, picking things out of my hair and eating them. This is the type of stuff he does. He loves to get a reaction out of people. Needless to say, on our first date, as I laughed so hard I was crying, I already began falling.

I see so much humor in Cedar too. He constantly makes himself laugh and tries to make others laugh. It brings him joy. So, I am living with two funny dudes.

And no…I am not cutting Cedar’s hair.