Boho Girl

us yesterday, taken with phone

The last few days with Cedar have been healing and love soaked.  He is feeling better and has decided to put that energy into lots of snuggles and happiness and cracking us up.  My mama heart has been cracked wide open these days.

We showed him his birth story book for the first time yesterday.  It is filled with mostly photos with captions of the first time we met his birth parents, then the birth and our two week hotel stay post birth…and spending thanksgiving with his birth parents.  It was really emotional.  He seemed captivated with his birthmom and laid his head on a photo of her to give her love.  The next photo was of me feeding him his first bottle in the hospital and he looked over at me and wrapped his arms around me.  Both Boho Boy and I got teary.  He just seemed so in tune with it all and somehow tapped into knowing I needed that hug.  He did it a few times throughout the book…looked over at me and sort of fell onto my chest with his arms wrapped tight.  We will show him this book as often as possible.  We want him to feel his adoption is a totally natural thing and a sacred part of his journey on this earth.  Our adoption consultant has an adopted son much older and growing up, playing house with his friends, she would hear him say “are you adopted like me?”  or “this is my baby, he is adopted”.  This is how I want it to feel for Cedar.  Something to celebrate…a gorgeous part of his life where there is no shame but openness to share and excitement to enlighten his friends ideas about how families can be created in so many ways.  This is what the book is for and why we will make one each year including photos of him and our birth parent visits.

Wanted to share a few photos we’ve taken over the last few days.

cedar totally loves the books by this author

cedar gazing into his lion’s eyes…before a kiss.  ; )

trail walking with mama

trail museum library

giving this coyote love…at a museum

resting on the cool metal at a park

waking up after a nap

self portrait, canon 50d, august break #8

I adore my dear friend Stacy’s work:

“Vintage Inspired Jewelry.
Stamped with sweet and soulful sayings.
Designed to empower, encourage, heal and inspire.”
~ stacy de la rosa

This is me wearing my custom made Bella Wish “Cedar” stamped silver pendant.  He is our sweet and soulful *wish* come true.

i adorn my neck with his name.
my son.  our wish come true.
we journeyed deep and wide to find him.
all while finding ourselves.
then he chose to arrive.
at a time most perfect for our hearts.
he knew when to come,
even though we longed for him so much earlier.
such a wise, gentle spirit.

{Do check out Stacy’s other beautiful shop Adele’s Attic.  Yummy vintage treasures from her past.}

cedar (three days old) and daddy sleeping

This weekend I am working on a birthstory book for us to read to Cedar. I’ll be using Blurb (love) to make it. There will be stories and images of when we first met his birth parents, then his BIRTHday, moving into the few weeks we spent in the hotel room post birth and finishing with the drive home. I want to read this to him on a weekly basis, so that his story, to him, will feel like a natural way to come into this world, into our world.

We’ll continue to make books for him…“first year”, “second year”, etc. But this one is going to be so very emotional and raw and beautiful.

So, last night, as I was beginning to create the book by uploading the first image onto the Cover Page, I was starring at the computer to come up with a title. I was in a bit of a tender space, yet exhilarated at the same time. It was so fun to go back to all of these images and relive that whirlwind of a time for us. Yet, if I am completely honest with myself, in those moments of reflection…there are always a mix of emotions.

So, with a bit of rawness in my voice, I looked over at Boho Boy sitting at his desk near mine and asked…“What should I call the book…‘Cedar’s Birth Story’“?

…he thought about it and then responded in light…“How about ‘Lord of the Binkies?’“.

This is why I love him so. The yin and yang of our moods. I laughed so hard that I laughed myself out of being too intense in that moment.  He knows what I need so well.

Anyways, wanted to share a few of the images from the hospital, as well as the hotel room that are precious to me and haven’t yet been posted on my blog.  Due to privacy for our birthparents, I am unable to share the ones of them.

xoxo

first gaze once nurses gave way…”oh there you are…of course it’s you”

first cuddle with his son

first feeding

exploring his face

falling into slumber together in the hotel room

first time trying a wrap.  cedar was never a huge fan.  ; )

one of my favorites

he looks like a doll wrapped like a burrito (taken in hotel room on thanksgiving day)

grace & blair, canon 50d

Not sure how many of you know this but we adopted Cedar privately (not through an agency) and with the assistance of an adoption consultant that reached out to me via my blog. Her name is Tammy and she is a dear soul and had been reading my blog for a few years. Tammy has been in the adoption industry for quite some time and her inspiration to support this walk of life came from her own experiences. She personally has been through many different layers on her journey: placing as a birth mom, (in)fertility, pregnancy through IVF and adopting a child. Because of her empathy for all parts of this journey, she is able to support and guide her birth moms and adoptive couples in such a kind and compassionate way.

A few years ago, when I mentioned on my blog that Boho Boy and I were beginning to dip our toes into the idea of building our family through adoption, she quickly emailed me. She had been waiting for me to open up that door, rather than forcing it upon me (love that about her). Her and I became friends and when all was aligned, she guided us to the most perfect birth parents for our family, which lead us to adopting our son, Cedar. We are forever grateful for how we all found one another through this medium.

I am sharing this because Tammy has just reached out to me inquiring whether or not there is a couple reading my blog that are feeling guided towards building their family through adoption.

Tammy has a potential situation with a birth mother due to deliver late July. The baby will be full Hispanic and the cost will be approximately $20,000.00, which is average for a domestic adoption. The birth mother is in good health; no drugs, alcohol, or mental illness. She has 4 other children and seems extremely committed to placing for some very specific reasons that Tammy will share with the couples interested. Tammy feels it is highly unlikely that this birth mother will not place due to these reasons. With all adoptions, obviously there are no guarantees whether or not the birth mother will change her mind and that is the hardest part, but Tammy has a good feeling about her reasons for placement. It would be a semi-open adoption (no identifying info or visits) and the birth father is in full agreement.

If any of you, my dear readers, feel a pull and would like to talk with Tammy about this, please email me at denise (at) bohophoto.com and I will forward Tammy’s email onto you to get a hold of her.

In the near future, I will be working with Tammy to refer couples that are reading my blog to her website (which is in the process of being designed) since so many in the past have reached out to me inquiring about our private adoption process. I am doing a blog post this time, as this is very immediate and I wanted to do what I could to help. Thank you all.

photo of cedar taken by me, photo of me, taken by thea coughlin

A lot of people (readers, friends, family, passers by) tell me that Cedar resembles me. Especially lately. Although, in the beginning, everyone said he resembled Boho Boy. So many that tell us this, let it cross their lips gently, concerned that it may feel awkward or inappropriate or insensitive or tender because he is adopted. I have always deeply appreciated when someone is so brave to ask a question or share some feelings about our adoption that perhaps many wonder or feel and are afraid to ask. I also appreciate deeply with all of that, the sensitivity that is offered us. Not only for us, but even more for Cedar’s birthparents…K & T (who I know sometimes read this blog).

I am not sure how K & T would feel about people saying Cedar resembles us. Something tells me they would feel supportive and I say this because when we all spent those weeks together during her pre-term labor, we felt a kindredness, a likeness in many ways. K and I are both so tender and sensitive and soft spoken and affectionate. Boho Boy and T are quick witted and intelligent and share a love for the same books. Boho Boy took a photo of me and K’s faces smooshed together with wide smiles and sparkly eyes and both K and I were in awe of how much we resembled one another. Even my family mentioned it and a few of my close friends that saw the photo. What’s funny about this is our skin tone is completely different. K is very light complected with rosy cheeks and light blue eyes (with a gorgeous dark blue rim)and dark blond hair. I have olive skin and light brown eyes and brown hair. But our features are very similar and our spirits so very kindred. Sometimes Cedar makes a face that is spot on just like T and sometimes spot on Boho Boy. Although Boho Boy and T look nothing a like. Its so wild, really.

So, I suppose what this tells me is that Cedar has characteristics of all four of us. He is part of each of us and we are all part of him and it emulates from him in beautiful ways. This is something, when he grows older, that we will celebrate and share with him and it will perhaps offer comfort in small ways. Comfort in that he carries all of us with him.

Many people have reached out to me through my blog that have been adopted. So very gently and kindly to bring me comfort. They share with me the beautiful and the hard parts and some have shared what it felt like to be dark and grow up in a household of white faces or vice-versa. Of course, at the root of it all, each of them told me that it was never at the surface of things and it only posed as an awkward thing a few times and that most of the time people didn’t notice any longer and all that mattered was that they felt loved and cherished and part of a family abundant with love. But there were also times when it was hard and left them feeling like something was missing that needed to be filled up.

I know there will be days when Cedar looks in the mirror and sees T’s nose and K’s eyes and it might bring up stuff for him. So, part of me feels comfort knowing that he will also see my soul and spirit and Boho Boy’s humor and passion for music and both of our twinkle in his eyes.

Adoption is the most beautiful thing that has every happened to me. It is also full of so many questions and lessons and teachable moments of humility and letting go and trusting that Cedar will know I am his mother through and through and never doubt that he was so very meant to be our son.

In all honesty, every time someone says “he looks just like you…”, it does tug at those heart strings. There is a conversation that goes on in my head that goes like this;

“is it okay that this felt good? would K be hurt by this? would she be overjoyed and would it be confirmation that her and i are soulfully connected? is it important to me that cedar resembles me? no…it isn’t…but it does fill me up in a way and smooths over the wounded parts. can i not over think it and just be honored because i think he’s a cutie patootie? are there right or wrong ways to feel when it comes to something so wild and crazy and beautiful as adoption??”

We are kindred souls and it is the soul that is what lingers when the skin that our soul is wrapped in shifts and alters. This is what I will always tell him on those days when he is feeling tender or confused about it all.

cedar & me, taken by boho boy with phone

We rarely get storms in these parts, so I am relishing, cocooning, snuggling up. Cedar is awe-struck with wind and rain. I actually hear him say the word “Wooowwwww….” when I take him outside.

This photo above was taken the last day of our cleanse. Sunshine before the clouds came in for the week.

I love storms. So much so that I had planned on naming my daughter Stormie if I ever had a girl. I have a pretty cool story about a dream I had once. I was in my mid twenties and not at all in the space of wanting to have children but I had a dream about me walking on the beach with this little girl. She was about 3 years old. She had blond ringlets and blue eyes and she was my daughter. I remember her running and then coming back to me and I swooped her up. When I woke up my face was wet. I was crying in the dream while holding her because the love I felt for her was so intense. At that time in my life, I didn’t understand the connection, the love between parents and children but in those moments, I fully grasped it. I was so sad for days after that dream. I missed her so. I walked the streets of Berkeley looking for her, subconsciously.

My sister Pam came to visit me for the weekend. We decided to go to Santa Cruz for the day. I debated whether to tell her about the dream. I waited until the long whindy drive home on HWY 17. I think it was the pull and magic of all the Redwood trees. I just spilled.

Since at that time, Pam was a mother of three babies, she grew misty eyed when I told her how much I missed that little girl. What she did next I will never forget. She said “why don’t we name her?” and we did and naming her gave me closure. We named her Stormie Winter.

Fast forward ten years and my husband and I are deeply wanting a child. We were just opening up to the idea of adoption and our adoption consultant sent us some photos of some previous children she had helped place for adoption. One photo was of this beautiful girl with blond ringlets and blue eyes. It was the girl in my dream. I gasped. Although I kept it to myself. It felt sacred…but it was that moment where my heart completely opened up to the idea of building our family through adoption. She was sent as a gift both in my dream years ago and now.

A few months later we were placed with the most perfect birth parents for us. I was shown a photo of their other child that was placed for adoption previous to Cedar. It was that same girl in the photo our adoption consultant showed me in the beginning of this process. It was the same girl in my dream years ago. It was Cedar’s bio sibling…in my dream.

And this is another reason why I love storms. They remind me of Stormie Winter…the sweet angel that guided me to our son and that I will always have a connection to.