Boho Girl

{us, polaroid by susannah}

I’m kind of loving (okay, totally loving) this photo of us. It just feels so gooood to have a photo together! Is it typical that photographers rarely have a family photo taken of themselves?

Here we are. Our family. And Cedar love…just looks like he’s so part of us. And it brings me goosebumps. You know, many many times since Cedar was born, when people find out he is adopted, we get an emotional response. It could be the person near us on the airplane that talked with us for a few hours and spent time with Cedar or one of his teachers, or someone that spent 30 minutes chatting at a store or a neighbor, etc; there is always an emotional reaction when they learn our story. Gasps, tears and an embrace. And many times people have said “…but he is SO you guys!” Every time I well up with tears and laugh and cry with them because its such a heart-spirit-energy thing that is collectively felt. Its what I felt when I first held him seconds after his birth with my husband and his birth parents circling me. A feeling of home and belonging and I know most people that have adopted know exactly what I am sharing and so do all of those that have birthed their children when they have felt they knew them beforehand. And what I am sharing has nothing to do with whether or not Cedar “looks” like us. Its so much about his heart and how me moves and grooves and interweaves so perfectly into our family.

We’ve been going through an awakening with Cedar that is intense and sacred and all consuming right now and when I am able to find the words, I will share it here soon. But when I opened up this photo in an email today that my friend Sus sent to me, I felt the tears spill. I see the three of us and I know deeply how we are all three teachers and guides for one another and I feel such an affirmation to trust the process.

Someone wrote to me the other day that our story offered them hope when they felt so desperately that there was no hope left. I am humbled and honored to hear these things and I never take it for granted and I most always am taken aback by the outpouring. I always said if your desire to be a mother or a father is there, it is there for a reason and your child will find you and hear your longing. There is so much purpose to the union of your child. Cedar is one of my life guides and I think one of the things that kept me going during our fertility journey was trusting that my desire was there because there was much to learn from it…during the journey AND the destination.

My husband and I watched this trailer tonight. We both were teary eyed by the end. I was so moved by it that I wanted to share it with all of you.

Sometimes, well, most times, it feels like Cedar came into our life in such a magical way that is hard to describe but this movie, the energy and meaning behind it, truly emulates so many emotions I carry with me as his mother.

What really touched me deep in this trailer is when Timothy is standing in front of a row of friends and asked “So, you all came from your mom’s tummies? How was that?” With such an innocent curiosity, from a place of not feeling left out or left behind or a longing and wishing he had come to his parents that same way.  How deeply we hope Cedar will feel this secure about his journey to us and comfortable being open about his own birth story.

It is so important to me he is deeply aware that just like in this film, we conceived him in our hearts and dreams and his beautiful birth mother was the fertile soil that brought him to life.

The symbolism of this movie moves me so: The hope that it offers those that so deeply ache to have a child and the possibility that your child can come to you in ways you least expect.

us yesterday, taken with phone

The last few days with Cedar have been healing and love soaked.  He is feeling better and has decided to put that energy into lots of snuggles and happiness and cracking us up.  My mama heart has been cracked wide open these days.

We showed him his birth story book for the first time yesterday.  It is filled with mostly photos with captions of the first time we met his birth parents, then the birth and our two week hotel stay post birth…and spending thanksgiving with his birth parents.  It was really emotional.  He seemed captivated with his birthmom and laid his head on a photo of her to give her love.  The next photo was of me feeding him his first bottle in the hospital and he looked over at me and wrapped his arms around me.  Both Boho Boy and I got teary.  He just seemed so in tune with it all and somehow tapped into knowing I needed that hug.  He did it a few times throughout the book…looked over at me and sort of fell onto my chest with his arms wrapped tight.  We will show him this book as often as possible.  We want him to feel his adoption is a totally natural thing and a sacred part of his journey on this earth.  Our adoption consultant has an adopted son much older and growing up, playing house with his friends, she would hear him say “are you adopted like me?”  or “this is my baby, he is adopted”.  This is how I want it to feel for Cedar.  Something to celebrate…a gorgeous part of his life where there is no shame but openness to share and excitement to enlighten his friends ideas about how families can be created in so many ways.  This is what the book is for and why we will make one each year including photos of him and our birth parent visits.

Wanted to share a few photos we’ve taken over the last few days.

cedar totally loves the books by this author

cedar gazing into his lion’s eyes…before a kiss.  ; )

trail walking with mama

trail museum library

giving this coyote love…at a museum

resting on the cool metal at a park

waking up after a nap

self portrait, canon 50d, august break #8

I adore my dear friend Stacy’s work:

“Vintage Inspired Jewelry.
Stamped with sweet and soulful sayings.
Designed to empower, encourage, heal and inspire.”
~ stacy de la rosa

This is me wearing my custom made Bella Wish “Cedar” stamped silver pendant.  He is our sweet and soulful *wish* come true.

i adorn my neck with his name.
my son.  our wish come true.
we journeyed deep and wide to find him.
all while finding ourselves.
then he chose to arrive.
at a time most perfect for our hearts.
he knew when to come,
even though we longed for him so much earlier.
such a wise, gentle spirit.

{Do check out Stacy’s other beautiful shop Adele’s Attic.  Yummy vintage treasures from her past.}

cedar (three days old) and daddy sleeping

This weekend I am working on a birthstory book for us to read to Cedar. I’ll be using Blurb (love) to make it. There will be stories and images of when we first met his birth parents, then his BIRTHday, moving into the few weeks we spent in the hotel room post birth and finishing with the drive home. I want to read this to him on a weekly basis, so that his story, to him, will feel like a natural way to come into this world, into our world.

We’ll continue to make books for him…“first year”, “second year”, etc. But this one is going to be so very emotional and raw and beautiful.

So, last night, as I was beginning to create the book by uploading the first image onto the Cover Page, I was starring at the computer to come up with a title. I was in a bit of a tender space, yet exhilarated at the same time. It was so fun to go back to all of these images and relive that whirlwind of a time for us. Yet, if I am completely honest with myself, in those moments of reflection…there are always a mix of emotions.

So, with a bit of rawness in my voice, I looked over at Boho Boy sitting at his desk near mine and asked…“What should I call the book…‘Cedar’s Birth Story’“?

…he thought about it and then responded in light…“How about ‘Lord of the Binkies?’“.

This is why I love him so. The yin and yang of our moods. I laughed so hard that I laughed myself out of being too intense in that moment.  He knows what I need so well.

Anyways, wanted to share a few of the images from the hospital, as well as the hotel room that are precious to me and haven’t yet been posted on my blog.  Due to privacy for our birthparents, I am unable to share the ones of them.

xoxo

first gaze once nurses gave way…”oh there you are…of course it’s you”

first cuddle with his son

first feeding

exploring his face

falling into slumber together in the hotel room

first time trying a wrap.  cedar was never a huge fan.  ; )

one of my favorites

he looks like a doll wrapped like a burrito (taken in hotel room on thanksgiving day)

grace & blair, canon 50d

Not sure how many of you know this but we adopted Cedar privately (not through an agency) and with the assistance of an adoption consultant that reached out to me via my blog. Her name is Tammy and she is a dear soul and had been reading my blog for a few years. Tammy has been in the adoption industry for quite some time and her inspiration to support this walk of life came from her own experiences. She personally has been through many different layers on her journey: placing as a birth mom, (in)fertility, pregnancy through IVF and adopting a child. Because of her empathy for all parts of this journey, she is able to support and guide her birth moms and adoptive couples in such a kind and compassionate way.

A few years ago, when I mentioned on my blog that Boho Boy and I were beginning to dip our toes into the idea of building our family through adoption, she quickly emailed me. She had been waiting for me to open up that door, rather than forcing it upon me (love that about her). Her and I became friends and when all was aligned, she guided us to the most perfect birth parents for our family, which lead us to adopting our son, Cedar. We are forever grateful for how we all found one another through this medium.

I am sharing this because Tammy has just reached out to me inquiring whether or not there is a couple reading my blog that are feeling guided towards building their family through adoption.

Tammy has a potential situation with a birth mother due to deliver late July. The baby will be full Hispanic and the cost will be approximately $20,000.00, which is average for a domestic adoption. The birth mother is in good health; no drugs, alcohol, or mental illness. She has 4 other children and seems extremely committed to placing for some very specific reasons that Tammy will share with the couples interested. Tammy feels it is highly unlikely that this birth mother will not place due to these reasons. With all adoptions, obviously there are no guarantees whether or not the birth mother will change her mind and that is the hardest part, but Tammy has a good feeling about her reasons for placement. It would be a semi-open adoption (no identifying info or visits) and the birth father is in full agreement.

If any of you, my dear readers, feel a pull and would like to talk with Tammy about this, please email me at denise (at) bohophoto.com and I will forward Tammy’s email onto you to get a hold of her.

In the near future, I will be working with Tammy to refer couples that are reading my blog to her website (which is in the process of being designed) since so many in the past have reached out to me inquiring about our private adoption process. I am doing a blog post this time, as this is very immediate and I wanted to do what I could to help. Thank you all.