Boho Girl

first image: such a HIM face : )

I remember a dear friend once telling me that once Cedar turned 3, that my husband and I would somehow find our way back to one another as a couple apart from being a family. My friend and I were talking about how much we missed our husband’s even though they were near us most of the day. We loved one another just as much, if not more but our energy and our reserves were devoted to our child and creating a nourishing lifestyle for him and by the end of the evening, we were happy to just sit near one another in silence and surrender to our exhaustion. I found myself concerned about our connectedness until my friend honored and validated me. I was in awe of her relationship with her husband and it felt reassuring to hear with both of their children, the first three years of their child’s life shifted how they connected to one another. Not a lot of people talk about this or perhaps they aren’t aware or perhaps they are too tired to be aware. But it felt validating, nonetheless.

My husband and I had many conversations about it. Allowing ourselves to be gentle in the midst of learning to be parents and put less pressure on needing to be crazy romantic lovebirds like we were before Cedar came into our lives. We looked at intimacy with a greater perspective and what intimacy meant to us as a family. Being in constant communication about our relationship hushed the gremlins that told me we had to be like them or them or even them. We just had to be us and us was pretty amazing and lots of fun. It was so good for me in that it broadened my mind about what romance is.

So three years old came around and my expectations of lots of romantic dates and hours of eye gazing and deep conversations came crashing to the ground. Oh those darn expectations! Its a constant lesson for me to let go of them. Even when I think I have none, I discover I do. Three for Cedar was full of so many transitions. It was the transitions that brought to surface many of Cedar’s anxieties and sensitivities and our world’s had to take pause. Three years old was an intense year for us as a family and just like our fertility journey, it drew my husband and I ever closer as we cocooned and healed. If I could say the most important thing that helped was the many times I came into his office (in our home) and plopped on his leather chair facing his desk and expressed my need to feel connected to him in all of this wildness. He would turn away from his computer and look into my eyes. We would find one another in those moments and whether it was about Cedar and his needs or the color blue, it was enough to just be present and it held us together.

As Cedar approached four, we felt happening what my friend talked about happening at three. As Cedar became more aware of his sensory sensitivities, he started to get into a rhythm of expressing his anxieties and needs rather than us navigating it for him. We found a beautiful and delightful babysitter that just “gets” him and his humor and his need to go into imaginary worlds. She spends time with him a few times a week and sometimes date nights. This allows me a bit of time to be alone in whatever capacity I need and it allows Boho Boy time alone when he finishes work because I am no longer too depleted to let him go. We also began connecting with a dear family a few doors down and each of us started to make dates with them. Me meeting her for coffee or tea or going on a walk and him meeting for guy time to play disc golf. One of their daughters comes over twice a week to play with Cedar and help guide him with how to share ideas and release the need to control everything in order to feel safe. We also have been surrounded by a few other souls that have compassion for Cedar and our journey. And all of these things may sound so simple to most of you…but to me, they are golden. They have breathed life into our hearts this year.

All this to say, through it all, my relationship with my husband is deepening and renewing. In fact the other day he had me belly laughing and he paused and said “its good to hear you laugh with me like that again!”. I realized in that moment how seriously I have taken everything around me. I’ve had no choice.  But the permission to embrace lightness is welcoming. Boho Boy’s humor is one of the first things about him that I fell madly in love with. I feel like we are remembering what drew us to each other in the very beginning. Its been so so good. I love him so.

{image of us taken last week by a kind stranger that offered}

I was going to write a list of things I was grateful for as Thanksgiving approaches but a list felt more than what I needed. Simplicity is filling my days. Focusing on just one thing I am grateful for is all I need in this moment.

This morning. I am grateful for this morning when my limbs were tangled with my husband and my heart was beating wildly in love and Cedar came into our room just when our lips were about to touch. Peeling away from my husband and reaching towards him as he climbed up into our bed. It felt both frustrating and amazing. And it felt dreamy: this wish I tucked away in my younger girl heart to feel this much love for my husband and for my child. To have Cedar tucked in between us while we looked at one another with a sigh and longing. It was good. So good. And enough to fill my page. Just that one thing on my list. And thank goodness Cedar went into his room to play. ; )

I would love to hear one thing…just one thing you are grateful for.

…and Cedar turns four on Thanksgiving!! We are heading to Northern California soon to be with family the remainder of the week. I miss each of them so.

There have been some really healing and beautiful shifts happening in my life, in my heart lately. I’ve noticed my chest expanding wider when I am on my lake walks. I notice I am laughing more heartily. I am kissing my husband deeper. My cheeks ache a bit from smiling longer. I notice I am resisting less and embracing more of what is in front of me. Truly its the little guy in all the photos above that is my teacher.

You know, there have been a lot of projects and retreats and offers coming to me lately that I’ve had to say no to. Not because I don’t feel passionate about them or not feel I have a bit of peace & love to offer but because my purpose right now feels really clear. That purpose is to be fully present for Cedar and learn how it is we can support him, love him, nurture him and help him find his footing.

The move to the yellow house rocked his world. It brought a lot to the surface for him and for us as a family and we had to surrender to so so much. I’ve had to be very protective of this time and space for us and set boundaries that are not easy for someone like me to set. I’m a LOVER of people and life and I want to let everyone in and embrace the whole of what comes my way but I haven’t had the reserves. I’ve had to be really selective, cautious and careful and that can be so hard. This protectiveness has led me to the folks in my life that truly see me and love me and our family and trust our choices. It has led me to folks that have less expectations of us.

There is a writing project that I feel deeply connected to that I’ve been asked to participate in. But I haven’t had the time or energy because of all that is going on with Cedar and his therapy. I wrote to the woman spearheading the project. A woman who is becoming a dear soul in my life. I apologized to her for dropping the ball on the deadline and explained to her why, even though I knew she was aware. This is what she responded to me…

“There is something really grounded and strong about your words at the moment.
I have an image of you as a mountain lion taking care of her cub with a fierce beauty.”

I read her words while at a coffee shop and I felt myself swallow hard and the tears just flowed. I wrote telling her that when reading those words, I was THAT girl at the coffee shop in tears. Although I didn’t really pay attention to what or who was around me in that shop but how GOOD that VISION she offered to me felt. Mmmmm. Mmmm. Good.

Right now in my life, I need to feel safe in my relationships. I need gentleness. I need understanding and forgiveness. I need wide open spaces. I need alone time to rejuvenate. I need to not commit to much else but my family. I need tenderness. I need compassion. I need to allow people and things into my heart that feel what one of my dearest soul sister’s calls “LIFE GIVING“. And I am grateful, so very grateful that I am being offered so much of what I need by those I love, trust and am drawing near to me and are circling us during this time. I think that just happens when you are really clear about what you need.

Oh geez, here I am again…THAT girl in the coffee shop in tears but I am smiling and the salty tears just drifted into my mouth and onto my tongue and it is the most delicious and healing elixir for me these days.

Here are a few photos of Cedar (below) at his occupational therapy. This was last week when he decided that he did not want to climb up this rope without the support of his furry stuffed companions on his back. And that warmed my heart to the core. That he is learning and cultivating a deep knowing of what he needs to move through this life.

He knew he couldn’t do it alone and you know what? Neither can I.

{skeleton leaf necklace}

I am so thrilled to be offering this GIVEaway in my space. Georgia (the designer) is one of my favorite people in the Universe. We have a long history in this internet space. She’s always been one to keep me laughing even when things are hard and mucky. She reminds me to find humor in everything and to laugh at myself often. Laughter is my medicine. It takes one to know one. I’ve been blessed enough to be near her in person a handful of times and this woman is the real deal. She’s the kind of gal that will bring you a coffee and a warm hug in the early morning before your flight home. So generous, so true to everything she is passionate about and pours her heart, hands and soul into.

Meet the love-ely Georgia:

georgia cranston

“I am a mama, a dreamer, a lover, an avid reader, an artist and a writer…

I am a photographer, I chase light and capture moments.

I believe in faeries, and magic.

I like to bask in the glow of a full moon, and dip my toes into the ocean.”

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Skeleton Leaf Necklace

“There is something so lovely and delicate about a skeleton leaf. The intricate design of the veins, the transparency…

This necklace has a pendant with a unique metal frame and an off white skeleton leaf encased between 2 pieces of glass. The chain is approximately 24 inches and has an antique silver finish and has wooden and glass leaf shaped beads, in shades of green, brown and gold.

This necklace will look amazing paired with earthy colors, or even a simple black top and jeans. People will be amazed at its simple elegance.

In addition to the GIVEaway, this week Boho Girl’s readers can enjoy 10% off of any item in my shop when using the coupon code BOHOBLOG at checkout! Also, because I am loving it so much, I am including a 5ml bottle of doTerra Wild Orange essential oil. This essential oil is calming and uplifting to the body and mind.”

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Here is me wearing (today, in fact! serendipity!) a butterfly wing pendant design she made just for me. I love love love it and the magic it offers me.

GIVEaway rules:

• To enter for the Skeleton Leaf Necklace, please leave a comment
• One comment per person, please
• Comments will remain open until Friday morning
• Winner will be announced Friday

COMMENTS CLOSED. ; )

Winner: #30…Carey.  I will get you in touch with Georgia, Carey!  Congrats. xoxo