- Friday, October 19, 2012
- Posted in balance,bravery,enoughness,parenthood
Right before I took the photo above, Cedar said “Mommy, I never want to cut my hair. Can people keep curls as pets?”
People often ask me if I will ever cut his hair. Some have suggested, since Cedar has a bit of a feminine face, that it might be a good idea. Whenever we’ve asked him out of concern for it getting in his eyes, we get a passionate “NO!”. Not a day goes by when we are out and about that Cedar isn’t referred to as a girl by a stranger. But my husband and I have really desired to cultivate nonconforming gender ways of being and have just allowed Cedar to guide us with his interests and needs and what comes natural to him.
When we were ordering him some soft pajamas online, we asked him to pick out which style he wanted. He chose the purple and pink striped ones. My husband and I looked at one another and had one of those unspoken nods of understanding that there may be a journey ahead of us. No matter how liberal and open minded we are, we know there are others out there that are not and allowing Cedar to be and dress how he desires will be a constant choice to let go of those pressures of cultural norms. We know he is only about to turn four…but growing up near San Francisco, it is difficult for my mind to not go to those places of what may lay ahead for him.
We are blessed to live in a very open minded community. One of the reasons we love this place so. Although I still hear people around me say “he is ALL boy” or “girl or boy energy”. I’m not sure why whenever those words are spoken, that it stirs something inside of me. Nothing negative but more like a fluttering or nervousness. I never felt this way before having a child. So my intuition tells me that there may be something ahead of me in my journey with Cedar that may have to break through those preconceived ideas of what kind of gender energy he has or what kind of gender he is more like.
A few days ago his babysitter Emily (and best friend) told me that they were outside playing and he outstretched his arms in a moment of complete abandon and yelled with his scruffy voice “I am Woman!!!” and as she told me this, we both giggled and had a knowing look. We knew Cedar in that moment just got the whole woman power thing and its wild because I’ve never yelled out that phrase to him. It completely came from within. Then of course shortly after that, he’ll play with this tractors or cars and let the wild rumpus start. Or he’ll be outside playing with our neighborhood girls sitting in his big yellow car making loud car noises and then stop to compliment them on their dress or skirt.
The other day I heard Cedar up in my bedroom. I walked in to find him putting my lipstick on his lips in front of my mirror and saying to himself “I love you”. I fought that knee jerk reaction to stop him. Tears welled up and in that moment I realized that is what its all about: Loving himself. We just want him to feel free to be who he is and love who he is and have a strong self esteem. Whether he ends up being more gender-boy or gender-girl or gender-fluid, we hope for him to have a free and un-squashed spirit and we will nurture that in any way we can.
October 19, 2012
You are amazing and are truly giving him such an incredible gift by inviting Cedar to be confident in his beautiful free self.
October 19, 2012
A lot of children at his age have very fluid ideas concerning gender. They haven’t be conditioned with the “that’s for a girl” or “that’s for a boy” so they just wear and play with what they like. I think it’s great that you are both going with the flow and just letting Cedar experiment, far too many people pigeonhole their kids early on, most times not realising they are doing it, by pushing them towards so called boys or girls, clothes or toys. He’s going to grow up a much stronger man, emotionally and confidence wise due to your accepting care and love.
October 19, 2012
hi! I almost never comment, but I’ve been reading your blog(s) since before tiny-bebe-Cedar came into your life.
Gender is a complex thing in children; gender roles are assigned to us, and how we are taught to behave are governed by those roles. As he gets older, he may fixate on more ‘typically masculine’ behaviors, or he might not, but it doesn’t matter so long as he is happy. I’ve had two boyfriends; my first boyfriend (we’re still pals, of course) was trans*, pre-hormones when we began dating. The biggest thing we had to deal with was teaching old friends and family members that he was the same person they knew growing up. That little girl who liked salamanders and popsicles and swimming for days on end is the same person who stands before you now, as a man. It made no difference to him as a person, it was just a matter of being comfortable with his gender and gender identity. And, y’know, it’s a lot easier to deal with than one may initially think– we’re all wrapped up in this gender binary like it matters, when it has nothing to do with what’s really important.
Anyway, I’ven’t been with my ex for almost three years, but we’re still good friends, and as a result of that relationship I think a lot about gender. Cedar’s sense of self, as he’s developing it now, will be the foundation for his identity later- and I think your approach is just the sort he needs, as a tiny little person.
<3
October 19, 2012
Dear Denise, I have 3 children (2 girls and 1 boy) and am always saddened by the way our culture squashes them into gender roles before they are allowed to explore and decide for themselves. I find clothes shopping for my girls difficult because whereas I like to dress like a bird of paradise and embrace many colours I am constantly confronted with racks of pink for my girls. Then I look for boy’s clothes with my son and everything is so drab. I know there is more to it than clothes but it is symptomatic I think of the pressure to conform that is is placed on them from an early age. So you go right ahead and allow Cedar to experiment. What a strong, loving parenting team you and Boho Boy are. Keep going. Your path is love and there is no better way.
Blessings
Emma xx
October 19, 2012
Children really do seem to have a different (or indifferent) perspective on gender. My daughter REFUSED to wear “girl” clothes for the first 4 years of her life, largely due to her great admiration of her big brother. Now at age 5, she wants sparkles and high heels. However, she will play the dad at times when playing house with her friend. It is wonderful how they learn from those they love, male and female, and figure out how it fits them, whether in life or in play.
October 19, 2012
I love reading your blog and I’ve done so since before Cedar came into your lives. My “big” girl is Cedar’s age, so I really enjoy following Cedar and his story and your gentle parenting. I think it is normal for children to experiment with gender roles and just go with what they like. My little boy (18 months) loves to dress up with his sister with big hats and “jewellery”, And my friend has a five and a three-year-old boy and both of them love the color pink and dressing up as princesses (in school) while they are still what everyone calls “all boy”
.
October 19, 2012
feminine or masculine — cedar is PRETTY! those curls….. i die over them every time and i am so happy that he likes his hair long! i love watching the person that cedar is growing to be, and i especially love the fact that he refuses to be boxed in! his self love is so inspiring, and i hope he never ever loses that. keep doing what youre doing, your parenting style seems to be just what cedar needs
xx, kara
October 19, 2012
Curls as pets……….that is the cutest thing ever and not a bad idea.
It is truly all about the LOVE. It’s what we all need most. You are the sweetest family.
October 19, 2012
Rad! I have 3 sons and a little girl (my boys are 17,11 + 14 – my daughter not yet 3). I was a young mom when my oldest was little and grateful that I had the conviction that I did. My sons have grown up painting their nails, playing with my make-up watching me birth, hearing maybe sometimes to much – my girlsfriends powerful and shaken moments and for all of them it has only deepened and broadened who they are and how they experience life. My oldest who I had to protect from scornful input when he was young for constantly wearing 2 different colored bright socks to pre-school while donning a rainbow cape — is an amazingly grounded, connected man-boy that still to this day wears his crazy socks pulled up to his knees with shorts — shamelessly — quite frankly — cluelessly, in that it isn’t even a blip on his screen to consider what another might think. And this is a kid that I’m telling you is remarkable gorgeous, the kind of boy that could be consumed with his appearance (swear, not just my mom eyes see it) My 11 year old just cut 11 inches off of his gorgeous curly hair to donate it to locks of love (his choice) and my 14 year old sleeps with me and his sister every night because – cuddling is his thing (along with skateboarding, hockey etc). If there’s any question as to their “manliness” it’s immediately shown in their love. Particularly for their sister, I’m blessed in that I have them all in the same school and there isn’t a day that goes by where my boys aren’t integrally involved and connected to what is going with their little sister. They take her to class, stay until she’s ok, visit her at lunch and are right their for pick up. I’m so grateful for these boys, for these men to be and for mom’s like you that are allowing their sons to be who they are. period.
October 19, 2012
and you know Denise and Danielle, who is it that is saying that these men are not how men are supposed/not supposed to be. I LOVE your comments Danielle, I can only hope that my boys become the men yours obviously are becoming and have become. Society has a lot to answer for conditioning us as to how people should or should not conform. In my opinion, it is those who fear who create prejudice.
Cedar – my darling boy – just live and celebrate your wonderful parents who allow you to be. Be you and be proud xxx
October 19, 2012
My sixteen year old son McIntosh has always traversed gender roles. It has been important to me to be open and supportive, but help guide him to understand we live in a society that has a stubborn gender binary and that people can feel threatened when it is challenged.
Despite that, we have found numerous ways for him to be himself including being the only male cheer leader at his high school…something he dreamed of since he was little. I’ve noticed since he is often so happy that thankfully others respond in kind.
I am optimistic that the world around us is slowly changing to be more understanding and inclusive.
October 20, 2012
Oh he is such a beautiful child! You are so blessed!
October 20, 2012
i think Cedar is blessed to have parents like you. He was def placed with the right parents. Seems like a perfect match to me.
October 20, 2012
Hi Boho Family… I have such strong feelings about the boxes we put children in from the time they are born. it’s rampant and i feel like in some ways, children inclinded to be at all different are hardly given the right chance to BE themselves in a culture that is telling them that boy + girl is one way and one way only. my beautiful cousin Bethy (who is 13 now) spent her entire childhood only wanting to wear boy clothes. for a while, she only wanted to wear her dog costume (like, a whole year). she refused anything to do with “girlie” things. she was the only girl goalie on the town hockey team. it was only recently, new to her teens, she has started wearing jewelery and more feminine clothes but her soul is so kind and unique and 100% original and i just love her for it. (and to their credit my aunt & uncle never made her wear anything she didn’t want to wear) it shows. she’s an amazing kid. You both are doing right by Cedar to let him explore and flourish and figure out who he is and who he wants to be. i am always reminded that this world is a big one and there is enough room for all kinds. besides, i always find that the best folks are the ones that go against the grain in one way or the other.
October 20, 2012
oh, sweet friend. your heart is so crystal clear and tender. i LOVE this freedom and gentleness you offer your son. this makes me wistful and thoughtful and achy, in a good way, and i feel like i want to say so much, but that there are no words. so maybe you will feel my spirit instead and soak in light.
October 20, 2012
YES.
I work for an agency that provides low cost, sustainable, mental health care to LGBTQ clients (www.queerlifespace.org), and if yours were everyone’s perspective, i’d gladly have far fewer clients. this made me happy. thank you.
October 20, 2012
Cedar is so lucky to be growing up in a family like yours. Such a beautiful post.
He has a gentle spirit and isn’t confined by gender stereotypes at all. 
I find I have to fend off my extended family’s requests to buy my son forts and knights, when he far prefers baby animals and unicorns.
May you continue to be strong in supporting Cedar and allowing him the space to be himself. Awesome!
Laura x
October 20, 2012
I wouldn’t worry too much about Cedar. I have 3 boys and a daughter. My oldest son (now 20) loved pink and preferred a pink pram as his favourite toy. I remember my 2nd oldest son (now 18) breast feeding his toys and all my boys have enjoyed dressing up, nail polish etc. I’m happy to say all my kiddo’s are happy and well adjusted individuals. It’s adults that feel the need to label and pigeon hole everything. He’s 4 he’s doing what he’s meant to do – have fun and be happy
October 20, 2012
i have the same lipstick smile picture of my son! and i did have a knee jerk reaction, i got a bit angry (because it was new channel lipstick) but quickly turned his frown into a smile when i told him how “beautiful” he was! we hold that photo and look back to a sweet time where he wanted to be a “mommy”. kids go through so much and we must let there little souls just “be”. they figure it out.
i am liberal and open and lived ages 20 to 38 in sf and i now live in a conservative small town and my friend has a boy who has been wearing dresses, lipstick, wigs and such since he was 3, he is now 8. he is awesome and well adjusted as they let him be free to figure it all out. i just love that he feels safe to be himself around my 2 boys 6 & 8 and i just love that my kids have been raised and know that do they do not make fun of anybody. ever! experimentation is the spice of life~ he is such a beautiful boy!
by the way, both of my boys have long hair and have had it since they were little and yes, they are still called girls. and they snarl back, i’m a boy! i have gentle spirit boys and i am SO happy and blessed to have them. cedar seems to be this way and you are so lucky and blessed to have him to! have a beautiful day~
October 20, 2012
this post made me tear up. cedar is amazing, and my word, he is SO blessed to have ya’ll as parents.
October 20, 2012
As a preschool teacher in a relatively conservative community, this post made me teary-eyed. This is all I want for all “my” kids- to feel free to do what they want to do and be who they are. Parents like you are a dream come true.
October 20, 2012
yes, what a thoughtful post about breaking through preconceived notions of gender. I remember the looks and unchecked comments made by some when my son wore girl dress up clothes or pink, (and we didnt cut his long locks for awhile, too!) And then there was that day when we came home from school to inform me that purple was a “girl,” color. Wouldnt it be amazing if we could all have amnesia about ideas of gender and bounce back and forth whenever needed and freely express our masculine and feminine forces~~
October 20, 2012
Denise -
I’ve read your blog for many years, yet almost never comment.
But I thought this article might warm yours and Boho Boy’s heart concerning this matter: http://www.inquisitr.com/315554/german-dad-wears-skirts-to-support-dress-wearing-son/
October 20, 2012
I’m with Jess LOVE is what children need & want most. I came from a home with parents who were all mixed up with their own issues & problems and I’m still searching for LOVE (or what that meant) & especially self LOVE now much later in life. He is just the sweetest, dearest, amazing little creature that I have ever seen. I love these posts about the complex journey of parenting. Loads of love & comfort to the 3 of you ! xoxo Susan
October 20, 2012
What a wonderful post about overcoming the expectations of society to focus on the well being of a child. I work with elementary and middle school age students each day. I wish they were not under such pressure to be anything except kind, productive citizens. Often we don’t know who/what we will be later and shouldn’t have to declare anything until we are older and more sure. I am inspired by you, Denise, and all the wonderful comments here. There is so much hope out there for more aware and loving society.
October 20, 2012
children at that age are so non-judgmental that I think what you see in Cedar is what a childhood should be… …you have let him develop naturally….no pre-conceived cultural pressures to ensure he would fit in one category or another….He reflects a freedom few of us had ….If only all parents did that… He is truly a beautiful little soul…. But I understand your worries…the world is cruel…but as long as he knows he has a safe haven with you he will be fine…& a true blessing to everyone who meets him…
(((hugs))) to you Momma
October 20, 2012
Imagine what happens when a soul is allowed to be exactly who they came here to be. Cedar might actually have a chance so many of us didn’t….to know himself all the way along. To know who he really really is. What a beautiful gift to give your boy ….
He chose the right parents for the job!
Txo
October 20, 2012
You are clearly raising him with love and acceptance and guiding him towards accepting himself as he is. Yes, there do seem to be clues that might suggest a special path lies ahead of him. I have no doubt you will guide and support him along it and teach him that love is what matters.
October 21, 2012
just keep loving him, love is all he needs, love is all anyone needs…
October 21, 2012
My ten year old son has long beautiful hair that he refuses to let us get cut. And we allow this even though he occasionally gets asked if he’s a girl. This year his Spanish teacher referred to him as a female during a lesson and a fellow student corrected the teacher. When he came home and talked about it, we actually laughed about it. My son was not bothered by this and saw humor in it. I hope that this is because he isn’t insecure about himself. When he was in preschool his favorite toy was his baby doll, which we thought would be good for him because he didn’t have siblings. We wanted him to express his caring nature to his “baby.” And this has nothing to do with his sexuality, since he started going to school he has always had a crush on one of the girls, whom he would refer to as his girlfriend. We will love and support him, no matter who he chooses to love in the future. But I agree with the idea that maybe it’s natural for kids to be a little more diverse then what the mainstream seems to allow.
Ps Cedar’s facial features remind me of my sons.
October 21, 2012
this just made me laugh since i’ve seen “m” running around in a purple frilly tutu for the last several weeks!
he also loves my lip gloss! cedar is a beauty and those curls…so precious <3
October 21, 2012
This was such a wonderful post. As someone who works with little children, I so wish more parents had the same attitude towards gender and letting their children be themselves, as you do. Cedar is so lucky to have you!
October 21, 2012
I am weeping tears of joy. Your little one is gorgeous. As are both of you X I am gay, and part of my journey was dealing with a mother and father and brother who were homophobic and full of fear, all clinging to gendered roles and unnecessarily cruel judgment and discipline. Your family is changing the world with love. Bless you X
October 21, 2012
because he was putting on your lipstick telling himself, ‘i love you’, means you and C are nurturing a well-adjusted little boy who is finding himself, encircled in love, compassion and a whole wide world of opportunities. dude. you should be so proud of yourselves, truly. xo
October 21, 2012
I assume you took down Lisa’s post or she removed it herself. I couldn’t have disagreed with her more.
By not posting, you are indicating that in the future Cedar will have something to be ashamed of? That some how he has done something that he will regret later? At 3??
Celebrate him Denise. Share him with the world. We ALL need to learn a little from Cedar. From you. And from everyone who gathers to you.
xox
October 21, 2012
Hair is such a personal thing. Colors are just colors. They have no meaning other than what we put on them. As a professing Christian, I believe there is such a wrong unBiblical view of masculinity and femininity coming from the “Christian” community these days and the world in general. There was a time when men wore ruffles and lace. Purple in the Bible represents royalty. Long hair is not wrong either. Can we say Samson? Also…up until the past two centuries most men had long hair. Often pulled back into pony tails. There’ is nothing wrong with a boy having long hair.
We have a friend whose son grew up with six girls around him. He played dress up right along with them, and you know what…she’s a awesome sweet young man. BTW, he’s going into the flower business. Growing and selling flowers. Big money in that business and he sews, crochets, cooks and it doesn’t make him any less of a man. It makes him very talented and good at what he does.
You just keep letting that little boy enjoy his play and his favorite colors and toys without all the hoopla of that’s for boys, that’s for girls nonsense.
October 21, 2012
Your son Cedar is just so beautiful the way he is! You can see in all the pictures you take of him what a secure soul he is! Letting him be his own person will definitely not force him into doing and being what others think he should be. I think it is so important, especially in this day and age to raise children as you are raising him, as a free spirit! We grown up and loose that innocence and sense of self as adults because we are immersed in expectations of others. If everyone would raise children as you are raising Cedar than I am sure the world would be a much better, kinder, gentler and humane place.
October 22, 2012
I really loved reading this story because it confirms what I have learned through the years with my daughter.
I *thought* my husband and I would be her teachers, her guide. But isn’t it amazing how our children turn out to be our biggest teachers? She has opened my eyes and my heart a million times over. Parenting has been a long season of growing for all of us.
Your Cedar is beautiful, a lovely soul – I can see it through each and every photo. Your intuition will never fail you – and he will be your most profound teacher.
October 22, 2012
I love that you guys are such an open minded and loving family. I spent my entire childhood wearing boys clothes. Not because I wanted to be a boy, but because I hated pink and lace and dresses weren’t suited for climbing trees and playing in the mud. I grew up in the country and spent all my time playing outdoors. Mom would fuss if I got my “girly” clothes dirty, so why on earth would I want to wear them? Now, I love dressing up and “getting pretty” but am still a jeans and t-shirt kind of girl.
My oldest brother is transgender and has been living as a woman since I was born (he was 16.) He is the the kindest soul you could ever meet.
Now I am the mother of a beautiful 4 1/2 year old girl. She is the complete opposite of me and wants to wear everything pink and frilly. She is very girly but her favorite toys are dinosaurs. One day she brought me a dinosaur in a barbie dress and said “Even dinosaurs deserve to be pretty.” I love that statement and believe that everyone has a right to be who their are. You guys are great parents.
October 22, 2012
I think his hair is just beautiful and I think it’s fantastic that you’re letting Cedar just ‘be’.
I’ve had to bite my tongue in moments where my son’s asked to paint his nails/put make up/wear hairclips not because I’m not ok about him doing any of those things but because of what others might say. And there has been some comeback – children making fun of him when he rode my daughter’s pink scooter to school – but I want him to feel able to do whatever he wants to do/what makes him happy. And, while I’ll do my utmost to protect him, I’ll be damned if I’ll let other children’s perceptions of what my son should/shouldn’t be doing inform what I let my child do/experience.
October 22, 2012
Wishing you and your family peace and understanding as you continue through this journey towards adulthood, wherever it may lead. I know not everyone may agree with me but I think that when we are ” made” that the divine has an understanding of who we will be and that as parents it is our job to cultivate and draw from our children the very best of themselves. Whether this means traditional or non- traditional roles- to help someone find their own way is a beautiful and selfless goal and I believe should be our goal as parents.
October 22, 2012
Its been awhile since I’ve commented, but oh my, this speaks to my heart. Allowing our children to simply be can be such a journey for us as mamas. It sounds like Cedar (like his mama) just radiates so much love. I appreciate your openness and honesty wih these topics. It creates a safe space for us other mamas too when we read…at least for this mama! Lots of warm, happy thoughts to you and your lovely family.
October 22, 2012
Number one, There is no good reason to cut his hair right now:))
Number two, He is who he is:))))
October 22, 2012
I LOVED reading this! Cedar is so lucky to have you two as parents! Much love!!!
October 22, 2012
i am so deeply moved and feeling so grateful. i learn from each of you. always.
October 25, 2012
I missed this post…
you are such a lovely mama Denise
seriously
my now 18 year old had a passion for makeup and nail polish…every toe a different colour please
I wondered…as it is he is just expressive with dress, and artist, a musician and so far, into only girls lol
but interesting thing my younger son wasn’t drawn to any of those things…
they are their own little birds
here to spread their own sparkling magic
we are here to love and guide as best we can
you are doing a wonderful job
and
you are an inspiration to others
love and light
October 26, 2012
You guys are wonderful people. Im crying right now. Its beautiful.
October 27, 2012
He has the cutest little curls! It’s wonderful you allow him to be whomever he likes at that moment. Sounds like a beautiful family
October 27, 2012
denise, you know my fears around becoming a mother… but everytime you post about your little boy, i feel that fear lifted. your family is so precious to me, and so much of something i aspire to in my future. you are so brave and so loving. i love seeing how your heart has grown through this journey of motherhood. so much love here.
October 28, 2012
as i catch up with your last few posts, i just feel really moved to say i’m cheering you on over here. i’m so glad you’ve found emily to hang out with cedar so you two can have alone time. and i’m just deeply moved by the way you are sharing in this space these days.
sending light and peace across the sound.
November 6, 2012
He is such a beautiful and pure spirit and so are you. You two are soul mates. <3
December 10, 2012
I find the comments interesting that say their boys wore nail polish because I am a girl and was not allowed to wear nail polish until I was 13!
January 19, 2013
Cedar is a lucky, lucky kid.
January 30, 2013
I apologize! I left a comment earlier that said SHE was so cute! I now see that HE is cute. He does have such a pretty face and his locks are a bit confusing. Either way, you have a beautiful child!
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