Boho Girl

Many of you have been reaching out asking if I could share more images of our home. Here are some of our living room, kitchen and master bedroom. I still need to fill my walls with photos of family and friends, pieces of art and drape fabric from the ceiling of our bedroom with twinkle lights. When my sister was here, we gathered much of what you see from local antique stores and some items we painted and distressed ourselves outside on the grass over a big piece of canvas. It reminded me of when I was single living in Dallas, TX in my mid twenties and she flew out to visit and helped me design the sweetest little apartment that all my neighbors would ask to come into just to breathe deep. Her and I together created the essence of a beach cottage in the middle of a city. This time around it’s eclectic and rooted, soulful and rich and playful.

When we are done with Cedar’s room, I will be sure to show you. We are going with a vintage airplane, adventure seeker, rustic groove but we are waiting for some bunk bed parts in order to finish it. Oh how I love creating an environment that expresses who we are as a family. More to come.

I am posting a REALLY yummy giveaway in a few days. Be sure to peek in for some clothing love love love.

Edited to add because I am getting emails asking about some items:

• Metal wall flowers in living room are from Sundance
• Tapestries on couch are from Indian Bed Spreads
• Gather sign in kitchen is from Sundance
• Red postal garder bins on kitchen wall are from Sundance (no longer available)
• Metal photo wheel and large green apothecary jar are from Save on Crafts
• Our duvet cover & shams in the master bedroom are from Anthropologie
• Hanging jar lanterns in bedroom are from Anthropologie (no longer available)
• Macrome plant hanger in bedroom is from Urban Outfitters
• Hanging ceramic three tier fruit basket in kitchen window is handmade by Jeanette Zeis on Etsy
• Painting on blue vintage cabinet is by my friend Em Falconbridge

{our wild and magical back yard}

Perhaps some of you may have noticed or intuited that I am having a rough time communicating fully this quiet journey I have been on since moving to the PNW. I have found when sharing here that I feel conscious and careful to not offend those in my past or present circles or those precious hearts that come to my space. Mainly because I am fully aware and honor all of the beautiful movements that are transpiring in the online world. I see healing and awakening in the midst of circles gathering and ecourses expanding and widening. I know personally some extraordinary revolutionaries that are empowering women all around the world. And yet while all of this bigness is happening around me, I find myself pulling in and away from the online world. Not in a way to make myself small. It felt so much deeper than that, yet so hard to express because I have been so IN IT and unable to articulate what is happening to me.

Throughout my life I have always tried to be careful to not point the finger at what other people are doing and saying and to really look within at my own reactions or triggers or emotions that surface in any particular social situation (online or in the flesh). I constantly strive to check myself to make sure my need to pull back from a particular person or group of people isn’t from jealousy or insecurity and if some of those emotions do rise, to work through them, knowing its all about me and not them. So as much as others have wondered or even me myself have wondered if my need to pull in and let go of so much in my life right now has to do with any of those dynamics, my heart has continued to whisper…“its something deeper, keep looking…keep praying, keep meditating…this is grander and wider and lighter and inner…and more freeing”.

So, I have deeply trusted and honored that feeling of not needing to name it yet because when I have tried, I never quite felt satisfied with what came out of my mouth or my fingertips. Until today. Today my friend sent to me a video where this woman, a beautiful kindred spirit that I do not know personally, spoke of what was happening inside of me in words that felt so familiar. I found myself with tears down my face and and my heart opening, expanding and my head nodding “yes. oh yes. this is it.” And I saw it in this woman’s eyes and how she carries herself, what I too am experiencing.  And I heard it in her story, so very familiar to me, different but familiar.

It has been hard for me to explain to people why when I was approached by a well known publisher, that I did not get right on finishing my book when a handful of friends around me were in the midst of desiring a book deal. It was difficult to express to others why I launched my ecourse that hundreds of people have asked me to do and then shortly after decided I needed to postpone it at a time when so many in my circle were launching theirs. It was hard for even me to fully grasp why when I became part of a beautiful online circle full of extraordinary revolutionary women, that my intuition told me I needed to pull back and be solitary for a while. I deleted my facebook. I deleted my instagram. My twitter is very quiet. My life began to be more inner, more private and less seen. My motivation became less about seeking validation from others and more about seeking wisdom within. It became less about the need to guide others and more about just listening and BEing. Yet still…what was happening to me? Why were so many of my relationships shifting, ending, beginning, renewing? Why was I resisting being a part of a circle or tribe when for years this is what carried me through fertility and grief and adoption and motherhood?

What I did know was that this transformation was on a very deep soul and spiritual level. Me, once associating myself as a Christian and then finally surrendering to my resistance to dogma or organized religion and man-made religious denominations and masculine guided spirituality. I knew I was being drawn to something deeply feminine. I knew I began to hear a very feminine voice of God. I knew this was something I needed to work through on my own without others opinions or ideas or fears filtering in. I was beginning to attract Buddhists and Witches, Goddesses and Native American guides. Yet never fully able to associate my heart with any one way of believing and yet being pulled to my Christian roots despite not belonging or wanting to belong. I’ve just been gathering nuggets of wisdom that felt good to my soul and resisting boxing myself in. And while my search to connect online began to feel noisy and chaotic, I think it was just my soul’s way of wanting to slow down and not seek anywhere but inward.

So much of what Sera Beak shares here in this video (below) is where I am. Particularly this part…

“After my interview with Marion Woodman, the very foundations of myself, my spirituality and successful life were shaken to pieces. I knew that I could not continue helping other women or this planet until I faced and found my soul again. So that is what I’ve been doing the past three years. And some of you might well know that its extremely painful and incredibly humbling when we finally turn and face our soul. Because we immediately become face to face with the subtle and not so subtle ways we have consciously and unconsciously abandoned her. Like that time we kept quiet when we knew we should speak. Like that time we said yes, when we knew we should have said no. Like that time we took on that project despite the devastating toll it took on our body. Like that time we stayed in that relationship despite how unhealthy it was. Like that time we followed the crowd, instead of our inner guidance.

Entry into the life of the soul demands a steep price. What’s that price? Falsity. Everything that is not authentic. You see our souls don’t pay attention to the opinions, ideas, beliefs, trends, rules given to us by external authorities, such as the media, politicians, fashion magazines, doctors, spiritual gurus. They don’t seek approval, validation or acceptance from external sources. They know that true power does not come from anything outside of us. True power comes from surrendering to the divine authority within us. Embodying your soul is about living from the inside out. And requires that we ask ourselves on a daily, even an hourly, even a minute to minute basis…‘Does this person, place project, group, teacher, class, book, TV show…does this feel authentic to my soul?’ And then we have to bravely act on that answer. Based on answering these very questions in the last three years, I have broken contract with my big fancy publisher, fired my filmmaker, broke up with my boyfriend and pulled away from about 95% of my personal and professional life. I have let go of almost everything that didn’t feel authentic to my soul. I let go of everything that used to define me, so I could allow my soul to start to define me.”

Hearing her words, feel so affirming. Like I can almost name the un-namable of where I am right now in my life.  And I appreciate her saying that its very messy.  And it has been.  I am in the messy.  The vulnerable. The lonely part of it all.  But down in these quiet depths is where the answers are and where the light comes in and the clarity comes.

I think what I am learning is the true meaning of soul searching.  Or is it soul listening?

Our dear Brit Beauty came to our home for some respite in between her book tour. It felt good to offer her a space where she had no expectations or places to be or people to meet. Although this brave introvert loves that part of connecting on her travels and teaching her workshops and at gatherings, she also loves the feeling of lounging in pajamas and home and family…just. like. me.

As she spent a few days witnessing my new life here, it was such a gift to see some of it through her eyes. I felt she captured part of us that not many get to see. Above are all images captured with her iPhone that I wanted to share. My next post will be images of her visit through my eyes.

ps. Cuteness overload for the day: Cedar calls Susannah “P’sanna”. Omg.

red barn lavender farm

When I was in my late twenties, I lived in downtown Pleasanton (Northern California).  It was an old house turned into 4 apartments.  I lived in the one at the top and directly across from me was my best friend from younghood.  She was newly married and looking for a place to live and as soon as that spot opened up, I was on it.  It was our dream.  We had always joked about living near one another the rest of our lives, literally next door…so we were able to live that dream for a good year or so.  Often as we were bustling about getting ready, we would open the door and say good morning, have a little chat, close the door, begin our days.  I remember clearly one time she had wanted to show me the first published copy of Real Simple magazine.  I had just got one too and was thrilled about this new magazine.  There we sat on the bench seat between our apartments, flipping through our copies.  What drew us in the most was the cover page.  It was a lavender farm somewhere back East.  The four or so page spread was about a couple who were deeply entrenched into the corporate world, wealthy and living a gorgeous life in the city.  But they began to feel a bit empty and decided together to take a leap, leave the corporate life, as well as their finely coiffed home and buy a farm in the country.  Their little green cottage sat in the middle of massive amounts of lavender.  In their workshop, they made lavender-everything to sell in their darling little store.  People would come from miles away to walk the fields and pick their own bunches. Amy, my friend, and I sat and dreamed about what that would be like.  The image of their cottage surrounded by lavender made such an impression on me.  I think of it so often and have since been attracted to lavender and dreamed of planting loads of it near my home.

So you can imagine how thrilled I was when I heard from our local friend Forest that he met the owner of a similar lavender farm about 20 minutes from here.  For months I’ve wanted to go and for some reason it never worked out but finally, FINALLY was able to go when my sister was here last week.

When we pulled up, it was utterly dreamy. The couple that owns the farm were walking down their lavender draped hill with a wheel barrow full of multi colored purple bundles they had just picked and tied. They waved to us with their garden gloved hands and pointed where we should park. Each of them greeted us with gentle smiles. We got a bit of a tour and the history. The gentleman went on to share that there were many species of lavender plants and the light pink ones were the most fragrant and the ones most used for essential oils in products. I had no idea there was such a thing as light pink lavender! It ended up being my most favorite.

So we were handed scissors and ties and sent off to walk the fields and cut our own bunches. Cedar was so enchanted. Especially at the bees and how gentle they were. I caught him crouched down observing their dance on the flowers. At one point he went off by himself to a patch of dirt and when I approached and sat near him, I noticed he planted a lavender stem into the ground. “I’m planting more, mama”.

The energy in those fields was so tranquil and lingered with us. The drive home was lavender scent soaked and my sister hung our bunches on a string above the kitchen table. Now over a week later, I have placed the dried lavender in our old vintage bottles and mason jars scattered throughout the house.

Boho Boy and I are now dreaming up our own hill of lavender behind our house. I had a wee bit of practice at the blue cottage. If any of you have tips on growing lavender, I am all ears.

Notice the light pink beauties on my shelf?

the beloved rain.

The last few weeks with our move, unpacking, settling in, my sisters visit and how full we kept every single hour of her time here with us, I haven’t had much time to venture online.  Its been so very long since I’ve peeked into the hills and valleys of the internets (that word makes me giggle) and what waves of deep wisdom, insight and inspiration are flowing through.  This morning I had a bit of quiet time to myself, unexpectedly so.  I woke up earlier than usual and tip toed downstairs (which is not an easy feat given our very old stairs crackle SO LOUD).  I poured my sacred cup of coffee and snuggled up near the fire and wiped the dust off of my laptop before I opened the door to Narnia.

Mmmm…oh how the softness and simplicity I am wanting so deeply to manifest in my life can easily become overwhelmed with the energies flowing around in the virtual space that sits on my lap and beyond.  Oh how loud it can feel at times in the midst of my quieter spirit and voice.  It is just the space I am in. Right now I am so hyper aware and conscious of how I process these voices.  I know deeply that it is all about me and a process I am going through.  Its not about anyone else or anything else but just what I am needing in my life, how I am wanting to offer love and receive love, how I am yearning to tell my story in a way that feels true to my own heart.  Embracing my slower, quieter way of being and sharing in the midst of a faster and fiercer realm.  It is so many things, really and I know it is my own path to walk.  My own journey to find a place in the midst of it all.  My journey to surrender to and embrace the tenderness, mercy, humility, authenticity and gentle warrioress-ness that my heart beats to.

So often when doubts begin to rush in and I need to feel not alone and to be understood and seen, I seek wisdom from my dear friend Rain (shown in image above).  This morning she shared with me a question she often asks herself when doubt enters in; “Is this life bringing?”  Mmmmm…yes, oh yes…that resonated so deeply.  What is it, who is it…that brings me life?  It reminds me so much of something my sister once asked of me because she knows I am a very FEELing person. “Check in with how you feel in this moment, how your heart is beating, keep note of when you feel peace and when you do not, when you feel anxiousness and when you feel ease.”

These questions help bring me back to center when moments begin to feel cloudy or noisy and it is hard to hear my own voice and feel my own heart.  THAT is the very space I am allowing myself to be in right now.  A space of quiet so that I can hear deeper as I am so sensitive to others thoughts and emotions, mine so often become lost to me.

Rain sent this to me today and it is an exercise that created such a peace in my heart and helped me come to a place of knowing much sooner than usual.  It is something I want to paint on my wall with the most beautiful handwriting.  It is something I want to share with all of you.  I hope you spend more time on her website.  She is so true blue and uniquely her.  I am grateful for this exercise she wrote…

“The Soul Journey”

the soul journey

step 1:

Take a deep breath.

That’s it. Breathe deep, as deep as you can, and before you let it out long and slow, I want you to hold your breath. Just for a moment. Hold it for a heartbeat. You can even close your eyes.

That suspension? The quiet place of in-between?

That is where you begin.

Life begins and ends with breath. We forget to breathe and lose our way, but we can always come home to that quiet place. We gain composure and find rest and strength in its steady rhythm. As you breathe, imagine pulling life-nectar up, up out of the deepest parts of your stomach and drawing it, with intention, into your lungs. After you feel your lungs expand, exhale all goodness and healing into the world, and begin again. Breathe without ceasing. Let this become your prayer.

Remember: no matter where you are, you can always begin again with breath.

And this is grace.

the soul journey

step 2:

As you incorporate patterns of slow, deep, and steady breathing, begin to feel yourself rippling outwards, like water, from your center. Your center holds the core of you, your essence. This is where you commune with God. Your energy is rooted here, your intuition and instinct, and your own sacred presence.

With each rippling, ask yourself things like:How do I feel in my body right now? When I breathe, what do I taste in my mouth? What do I see around me? What is happening in my space? You can start with whatever immediately surrounds you, like the way air feels on your bare skin (cold? sharp? gentle? nurturing?) or how your favorite coffee mug feels in your hand (is it earthy, or slim and sleek? Does its smooth porcelain rim invite caressing?) and work outwards. Practicing this awareness is like gently rousing a sleeping loved one. Place a tender hand on your soul, and whisper, arise!

Remember: you can breathe slow, steady rhythms, even in chaos. And as you breathe, become aware of all that surrounds you. This awareness precedes your awakening.

the soul journey

step 3:

Sometimes we don’t know that we’re not awake, and we stumble around in circles fighting the same old things, over and over, for years. It is important to awaken gently. Will you go to a mirror for me right now? As you face your reflection, what do you see?

For this next step, and for the rest of your life, I want you to begin seeing yourself as Soul. You are not what you see in the mirror; your skin and hair and wrinkles and lusciousness ~ the curves that aren’t where they are supposed to be, and the extra curves which don’t belong ~ this is the glorious vehicle which carries your soul as you sojourn on earth.

And the beautiful thing about this? As you ripple, you shimmering soul you, and flow outwards, you will begin to see others as souls, too. Your children? Eternal souls poured into skin that looks like yours, with perhaps a little more energy, but ageless just the same. Your lover? Sacred, multifaceted soul matched to the sacred multi-facets of yours. Your loud neighbor? The alcoholic? The addict?

The world is full of Souls who forget they are.

Remember: breathe, ripple, awaken. Your adventure is to come alive. And your shimmering will cause others to hunger for a life essence like yours; you will ignite and inspire, and through being, you will draw others to life, maybe for the very first time.

the soul journey

step 4:

This labyrinth doesn’t end, really. This means there will always be deep mysteries for the uncovering and places to rest along the way. As you go, keep in mind this secret of mine which will help you make wise choices. You can use this in everything ~ how to feed your body, the vehicle for your soul; what relationships to invite close, how you spend your time.

Breathing deep and being aware, consider the words of Rumi: Out beyond ideas of wrong-doing and right-doing, there is a field. I’ll meet you there.When you can suspend thoughts of condemnation or judgment and be present in your body, you will know what is right for you. In this place of being, ask yourself ~ regarding any situation ~ is this life-bringing for me?

Remember: whatever is right for you, whatever is the way for you, will always bring life and entice your soul to awaken.

Those of you that have been coming to this space for years know how much I adore Anne of Green Gables and how those stories are held in my heart. How when I was a teenager, my best friend and I vowed we would marry men like Gilbert Blithe and one of the things I adored about him was how he pronounced “sorry” (soar-ree) in that yummy Canadian way. And here I am, married to a Canadian and seriously, all he needs to do when I am feeling blue is say “sorry” and my heart melts. I even find myself pronouncing it that way having lived with him for so long. ; )

As much as I’ve known for over a year now, walking by it nearly every day, that this yellow home has gables, it wasn’t until I stood back to take this photo that I realized “Oh! I LIVE in a house with gables!!” Then came a big deep sigh from the deepest part of me. That part of me that believes so truly about how dreams can be manifested. Just as I dreamed about marrying a Canadian Gilbert Blithe, I also dreamed about living in a home much like the one in the Anne stories near a close community of folks and a wholesome place to raise a family.

A very thoughtful blog reader sent this link to me about an Anne & Gilbert themed wedding shoot. Aren’t these images divine?

My sister Darlene is here for a 10 day visit. I unpacked most every box for her arrival and set up most rooms (most especially the guest room) so that she could feel relaxed and nourished. I have yet to put things up on the wall. I wanted to leave that for her and I to do together. When Cedar is in school, we will be shopping in antique stores to get a few shelves, side tables and dishes. I will share images of my home, as they are nearly finished. For now, I will share with you the guest room. One of the reasons why we chose this home is for the guest room. Its near the bathroom and that is so important to us for our elderly guests, as well as family that have knee or back problems. Each of our previous homes had stairs where they had to climb up and down for the bathroom and it was always so hard to see them struggle. I can finally exhale and know my guests have all the comforts they need.

Guest room:

{These walls are light pink with dark pink trim. We are not allowed to paint until we buy this home in a year. I wasn’t sure how to work around pink!}

Where I am sitting on the couch in the living room as I type, this is the view out my front window.

Right now everything is so wildly WILD. Overgrown grass and rose bushes and flowers. Its hard to tell the difference between weeds or flowers or berry bushes and we’ve had to cut pathways to get around. Part of me adores the romance of this so and part of me worries about my son getting snagged by large prickly stems reaching out between paths. Our landlord was an avid gardener when she first moved into this home and I adore her way of thinking. So many arbors with vines and flowers growing up and out and over all things. MMMMmmmm…but it has been quite let go in her older age. This weekend we plan on walking through with her to create a space that is both mildly wild and safe for our son and his friends as they come to play. She wants us to buy this house and has taken such great care of us.

Here are some yummy images of Cedar & Auntie DD over the last few days:

{she brought cedar a box of feathers she found around her farm to start a collection. he was delighted}

{first morning together, cuddled on the couch}

{serenading cedar}