- Wednesday, December 21, 2011
- Posted in gentleness,release
self portrait today
The other day I was driving down a coastal road and the song Dream by the Cranberries came on the radio. A rush of memories swirled through my mind. That song seemed to carry me through so many enormous transitions in my life. Somehow it would end up playing at just the right time. I remember it being on repeat when I would take jogs around downtown in Northern California or on a hike with me in the hills overlooking the valley or when I would pull the top down on my Tracker and ride to Santa Cruz with my long ponytail flapping through my denim Gap cap. Still…the other day, it came on and I rolled down our windows even though it was raining and I looked back at Cedar with his eyes shut and a huge smile on his face. I had one of those happy cries. The kind where you giggle to yourself and a tear follows and your breath deepens and it just feels goooood.
I needed this moment. Life has felt intense lately. I’ve really pulled in and am in a space of peeling layers of old. I told a friend tonight “we grieve over things lost even when they are not good for us. even when we no longer want or need them in our life, we still hold love in our hearts for them. its a shedding, a peeling off and it hurts and leaves us raw and in time, some longer than others, it heals.” I am in that space where in order to live in this new life fully present, I am needing to let go of old ways of being and there are so many layers to that. It involves how I move my body, what I put into my body, the relationships in my life, in my family, the way I share myself with others, the way I communicate and connect and its not just one big thing its tiny little things among each of these that add up to feeling enormous right now. But its beautiful. Its hard. Its ugly. Its vulnerable. Its frightening as heck. But its also so very freeing and grounding all at once. And I feel so very blessed because I have had new and old dears come to me, without me seeking them out, that have been so very patient with this process, and I feel like each of them have been aloe to my soul…to the wounds that are left from the peeling. I am a sensitive being and I know that cannot be easy for others at times but man, the gentleness this attracts into my life is mmm mmm good.
I see a lot of peace coming around the corner for the new year. I see a lot of change. I see being the change.
yummiest. parenting. book. ever.
December 21, 2011
good morning,
i do not usually have anything “more” to add, so i keep to myself 
i have been reading for quite awhile. i am an introverted, highly sensitive person and often feel myself in you, your life choices, your spirit.
i am a reader and a lurker here
i want to say first that i feel blessed on many levels. i have three great children 19, 16, 14 and my husband i have grown together for 20 years of marriage.
it is hard for me to write what compels me at this moment to write, but it has to do with you finding your “home.” we have moved for my husband’s work several times and we always “make do.” i l-o-n-g for kindred spirits, for mentors, for honest community. i feel so alone sometimes. we have worked hard in several places to reach out and build a small community. i know this comes out whiny, but- it just is not what we are needing. i know and acknowledge that living and playing with mirrors of me would not really be what i need/want….. but …….i do truly believe in interdependence as a framework to build uponnot necessarily independence.
one time a person said something to me about accepting that i would have to be the quiet, solitary light in a community. i do not think i want to have the strength for that. i need support, too. what are your thoughts on acceptance and say for lack of a better word- resistance. should i, do i, surrender, accept what i cannot change and find peace ? and when do i resist and work for change (uproot the base we have established, leave and start, again- i do not know how much energy is left for that anymore??? or if it is fair to the kids to do that gain????) i guess part of me feels like i am being too picky, too whiny, too selfish asking for these needs to be met…. but the reality is a few of my deepest needs are not being met, and i am lost as to the next step- .
December 21, 2011
Xoxo.
December 21, 2011
You are amazing! I read your blog and you help me and encourage change in my life. You are such a pure, gentle soul. Thank you for sharing
December 21, 2011
(((HUGS))) and more (((HUGS)))
December 21, 2011
I love you you beautiful, vibrant soul. xoxoxoxo hugs and love and light to you.
December 21, 2011
So beautiful Denise….
it is the right time
the right place
the right season
letting go of old patterns takes commitment to ones self, this is so true
the beautiful thing is that it can be done…
with intention, love and time…oh time…it is such a gift
and there is an abundance of it
Blessings to you on your journey, may each layer pealed reveal to you more and more your true self and may you love her in great abundance!!!
Love and Light
December 21, 2011
I read your post with a lump in my throat– if you have not been to Jen Lee’s site lately, she has two videos posted about “the gap” (the gap between where we were and where we are and/or where we’re going) and the gifts that that gap bring, sometimes in disguise. If you have time,3 minutes to watch the one she posted today, it is soul food.
http://www.jenlee.net
With love, Kate
December 21, 2011
Beautiful…..simply beautiful. My heart reaches out to you in support. <3 Love and light to you!
December 21, 2011
As I read your post I thought of a musician that I have been listening to incessantly. Her name is Michelle Dumond.
You can listen to some of her songs here: http://radio3.cbc.ca/#/bands/Michelle-Dumond
you may even know her! se is in Vancouver
December 22, 2011
bless you. for being open to all that comes your way.
December 22, 2011
““we grieve over things lost even when they are not good for us. even when we no longer want or need them in our life, we still hold love in our hearts for them. its a shedding, a peeling off and it hurts and leaves us raw and in time, some longer than others, it heals.” i am so glad to have this assurance, because i am in this space too….in a powerfully raw way, and i needed to know that in time it heals. because love…love is so good you know? and the things we do for love…it’s hard for the heart to understand that sometimes, the things we do for love aren’t good for us. and in this time of (soul)stice i’m slowly releasing…awakening to the releasing.
so much love to you. i’m putting these words into my journal…
December 22, 2011
““we grieve over things lost even when they are not good for us. even when we no longer want or need them in our life, we still hold love in our hearts for them. its a shedding, a peeling off and it hurts and leaves us raw and in time, some longer than others, it heals.”
Oh, Denise – this…..yes. Exactly what I needed to read today. I wrote it in my little book of quotes and inspiration and reminders so I can read it again and again. so much truth.
missing you,
Jeanette
December 22, 2011
So much love to you. Totally get what you are saying.
Sensitive souls FEEL the world so much more intensely than others. Creative beings are normally the change… As they can dream things more beautiful.
xxx
December 23, 2011
Hey Denise, love your words, as always ~ love the photo of you with Cedar with the book and Christmas tree and love the image in my own mind of him in the back seat with a huge smile on his face, grooving and being happy!
Keep your peace this coming year, there’s so many you are able to help.
December 23, 2011
Long ago I had read a post in your older blog ‘Chronicles of Me’ and I was touched by your words. I had wished that some day soon I would read a very exciting post! Today I see your son grown up! I am so happy for you! Happy Christmas!
December 23, 2011
I have been reading your blog on and off for a year (roughly) and I am drawn to it, and I am inspired by it, and I connected to it. Sometimes I feel I am just glimpsing a life of a fictional character, at other times I feel so privileged to glimpse a life of such a magickal family, so many miles away.
I first off found this site as I was a new dread head, and I saw your journey. I then felt moved and intimate with your sharing of your mothering journey.
Today I connect totally with your article/piece. This piece of you….describe me, right here, right now… as I am transitioning.
As I am leaving one country, for another.
As I am about to start one job and yesterday I lost another.
As my body awaiting another cycle.
As I am tugging two and fro with old friends, old me, old life…and present me and present moment.
And sometimes I know I have to let go of some…and it hurts, and I let go,,,and then I take them back, I am too afraid to let go of the old ideas of friendship and love and merriment.
But you…..YOU inspire me, and remind me
I am not alone
this exciting journey, as it twists and turn….is cosmic….and we are ALL making it together, even when some go left and other go right, we are all interconnected. Those we hole close and those we let go.
So I am thankful for these words you write and that touch me when I have felt lonely.
Bless you
Love and Light
December 24, 2011
Peeling off layers is a perfect way to put it.
December 25, 2011
I am glad you found Naomi’s book. I have been in contact with her through one on one parenting sessions. Her wisdom and honesty is refreshing and encouraging. She uses a lot of Byron Katie’s work, which is so simple, yet so powerful.
Love to you from me.
December 30, 2011
I too am wanting to peel off many layers. But sometimes this ‘old onion’ starts to peel and tears up in a wee bit of fear. But peel I must. I wish you luck in your self discovery. I hope “we all” will hear and read your insightful words and wisdom from time to time…
January 7, 2012
This was the perfect reminder for me right this moment. Thank you.
January 20, 2012
The journal has an ethereal feel- so nice! I am deeply grateful for the birth of my first child this year. Happy New Year, and abundant success to you!