Boho Girl

Its almost as if having my parents here to visit created a completeness about our move. I know it has been as hard for them as it was for me to share with them our days and have them be unable to picture it all in their mind. Where the kitchen was in relation to the bathroom. How big our living room really was. How all of our “things” looked and felt within these walls. Now they know. The shapes, the smells, the teeny bathroom and the musty laundry room where we have to keep the lid to the washing machine up or it will begin to get moldy.

When they pulled up in my dad’s big white truck, Cedar and I were standing out on the front lawn, waving them down the street towards our little blue house. I promise you, in that very moment a very warm, moist wind began to blow down the street and didn’t go away until they left. The entire time they were here, it was the most windy we had ever seen it. But it wasn’t a chilly wind. It was warm and almost tropical. It felt heavy with magic and it made the trees dance until they released what needed to be gone.

It was so comforting to have them near and to share our life with them and to receive their blessing and understanding about where we have chosen to be right now. It was sweet seeing them get to know Boho Boy in a way they haven’t yet had a chance to, since he works from home and was with us most always. And it warmed my mama heart to witness them bonding with Cedar. He loved calling out “Grandpa!”, “Grandmarmie!” because those words are easy for him to say, so he wanted to say them all the time. Vu Vu was hard for him so within minutes of pulling up to our house, my dad told me he wanted Cedar to call him Grandpa. Once I saw the glee on Cedar’s face when he was able to say “Grandpa”, we knew it was the right choice.

My parents fell sick the second day they were here. We think it might have been food related. They both ate fish from downtown when no one else did. It could have been the water they were not used to drinking but whatever it was, it laid them up on our couch most the of the remainder of their stay. Each of us were sad about this at times but we always came to the understanding that truly, they are here to be with us and there are plenty of opportunities to tour them around during their future visits. It was nice to have a home for them to relax in and to stay in our jammies and to just be together. It was definitely another lesson, a message of how important it is to not have expectations…especially when going on vacations. A lesson in letting it flow, being in the moment and being aware of what means the most to you and for me, snuggling together on the couch at night means so much more to me than showing off our new city.

Cedar is almost 3 years old now. A few more months away. I am really seeing him come into himself and he is in a fierce space of finding his voice. He is coming to an awareness that so much of him is separate than us…meaning his wants, desires and needs. He is loving the idea of “No” right now. Which I find so inspiring to tell you the truth because for years I was a YES person and the last few years have been about me grooving with the idea that it is okay and crucial to say no to some things in order to align myself with my truth. So on one hand it can be so annoying that Cedar is resisting our ideas or needs for him but on the other hand, I am admiring him for being so in touch with his own needs. I am also noticing he is an empath, much like me. He absorbs the emotions, feelings and energies in a room and has a strong reaction to it. All this to say, he was in a sensitive place while my parents were here. I could tell he knew they were not feeling well. He was really acting out a lot and it was a huge lesson for me to not feel shame or sorrow about it around my parents. We all have this deep need for our children to be truly SEEN for who they are…especially around family and when they get explosive with their emotions, all these fears come up about being judged.

I kept finding myself trying to explain to my parents that he wasn’t being himself and of course they were loving and patient about it with me, reassuring me they were just happy to be with him regardless the space he was in. After they left I did a lot of self reflection about it because the times I was rambling off to my parents about how he is not usually like this, I felt an ick inside that I even went there. Cedar is Cedar…even when he is in a chaotic space and even if it is not an everyday occurrence, it is still him and I never want Cedar to attach any shame to his emotions because he hears his mother apologizing for him. Oh this goes so much deeper and I am too exhausted tonight to get into it but I will explore it more in this space.

I know that them just being here, witnessing our rhythm was needed and it was a foundation for their relationship with Cedar and even if he was more grumpy than peaceful…it is real and raw and OUR LIFE. I know that is all they could ask to be a part of and I love them for that.

I also wanted to share that I just hired a Holistic Health Coach! I feel so blessed that Stephanie came into my life. It all begins in October and I will be exploring and documenting this new journey here on my blog.

Here are a few more images from their visit:

This was a unique birthday for me in that I spent it alone…by choice. Much of my life I have been a person that balances being social with also being alone. Some people are filled up in crowds of people. I am a person that gets filled up with quiet time. I recall a dear friend of mine once saying about herself “I enjoy my own company!” and I thought that was brilliant and brave and beautiful and so so secure. And I get it. I enjoy my own company too. I now know as a 40 year old woman (weeeee!) that allowing for alone time is crucial for my empathic, introverted self. What I realized as my birthday approached was that now that I have a child and a husband that works from home, I am rarely and I mean very rarely alone. So when my husband asked what I wanted to do for my birthday, all I could think about was sleeping in without interruption, long walks, sitting at a cafe with a book and window shopping…alone. Oh, and throw in getting my dreads tightly locked by my soul twin Stephanie for a few hours and I am GOLDEN.

I didn’t take for granted one solitary moment. I woke up at 4am and while my boys slept, I sipped my warm yerba mate while getting ready for my airport taxi to arrive. I stepped out into the still dark sky and chilled morning, took a deep breath and I don’t think I stopped smiling for two days. Of course I missed my boys and reached out to my family and my soul sisters. There were moments when I wondered if I should have planned a gathering or allowed others to plan one for me but then I always came back around to knowing I needed to feel filled up and rested and when I get together with my gals, sleep is never on my mind. I am learning…learning to take better care of myself and a sweet little gnome named Cedar has something to do with that. Okay, a lot to do with it.

Portland is a charming city. Simultaneously smooth and vibrant. Definitely one of my favorite places on earth and each time I have been there, have felt so at home. So many kindred spirits walking the streets.

When I landed and walked out of the airport to find a taxi, a kind looking man approached me. He had soft eyes. My heart told me to go with him in his taxi. On the way to the salon , he told me about how his family came from Ethiopia and how he loves Jesus. He even invited me to church with his family. It was the sweetest conversation and he was so open to my thoughts on religion and spirituality. We decided that he would be my driver from the hotel and back to the airport. It felt like a gift. Each time I saw him, I soaked in the stories about his country and the food. Oh the food. I must try it!

Being with Stephanie was like warm butter on freshly baked bread. Oh I have missed her and our spirits feel so twin that I find myself nodding as she somehow is able to express so much that I can’t. This time for us was about big intensity but also big laughter. She is medicine. And man, nobody loves on my locks like her. I just let her do her groove thing and she works her magic.

She had to tame my wild head but I know it will unravel soon. We both agreed we are in love with cavewoman-esque hair. ; )

One of the first places I went after my dread appointment was me and my husband’s favorite tea shop: Tea Chai Te with their cushy velvet chairs and couches, a variety of mates and chai’s and a smell that I want to bottle and take home with me.

Sinking my body into the blue velvet chair, I felt so inspired. I felt so closer to the me that has so much to say and so many ways to express it creatively. I wish I had remembered to take my journal with me but instead, I just let myself feel it and move through me. The last time I was there was right before adopting Cedar. And there I was a tired, worn totally in love mama to a toddler aching to be alone for a day. I would have never imagined!

My husband set me up in the funkiest hotel a few blocks away from 23rd street (my favorite). The Inn @ Northrup Station. So fun and colorful. Especially their salt water taffy center pieces in the lounge area. ; )

Most of my time was spent drifting in and out of shops, people watching and taking deep breaths. As the night fell, I ordered a gluten free pizza and a chick flick. Mmmmmm. I found myself emotional about being away from Cedar in the night. We had a teary Skype. Boho Boy is so brilliant at diverting Cedar’s sadness into laughter. I didn’t expect to feel that deep pang of missing over just one night away especially when so many nights I ache for space to sleep uninterrupted and into the late morning. We are a co-sleeping family but it still surprised me that I slept better at home than in the hotel room alone. It was nourishing for me regardless but also so good to be reminded that I am also nourished by the closeness and connection I share with my boys.

40 was just awesome in so many ways. Especially awesome because I went into a Free People store for the first time and left with their ADORABLE cloth bags that held my new bday sweater. That store is just eye candy-liciousness. The owner of the store was giggling behind the counter at how I needed to touch everything and how I drooled over the design on the walls and the tree branches hung from the ceiling draped in ribbons, yarn and sparkly trinkets. I want to hang branches from my ceiling, yes!

Just walking down the street and seeing this adorable double decker bus filled with vintage yummies on the side of the road speaks volumes about Portland’s groove…

I heart Portland.

And I heart my parents who will be pulling into our driveway this afternoon after taking their first roadtrip to Washington!

Tomorrow I turn 40. I feel just as much excitement and anticipation as when I turned 30. I’ve never been one to freak out about age, really…to me it is just a number. I remember someone telling me that your 30′s are all about discovering who you really are and your 40′s are the beginning of being comfortable with who you are the rest of your life. This may not be true for everyone but reflecting back, it feels true for me. I think this is why these milestone ages didn’t frighten me. I have always so longed to be comfortable in my skin.

Boho Boy had a discussion with his acupuncturist the other day about how our American culture views age and how different it is to how it is viewed in the Asian culture. You often hear in our culture “I feel old” or “I can’t do that or wear that because I am too old!”. There is such a negative connotation on the idea of aging in those statements. So much of how we view ourselves is how we will end up feeling and being. What if getting old, being old, was a celebration? What if we all looked forward to it? What if it was an AWESOME thing to be old? Then on the days we are feeling good and sassy and deliciously comfy in our skin, we would say...”I am SO old! Yay!!” ; ) In the Asian culture and perhaps others I am unaware of, it seems age is less limiting and just more of an opportunity to create and embrace the abundance in your life.

I want to embrace this concept. As I see the gray hairs peeking through in this photo above, what if rather than wince and cover up, I celebrate them as silver ribbons in my hair? I see long gray dreads in my future.

Tomorrow morning I get on a plane for a wee one night groovy getaway.  I plan on doing a lot of reading, window shopping, drinking a cocktail or two, getting a bit pampered and SLEEPING.  All stuff I can’t quite do right now as a mama without interruption.

Here’s to glorious gray hairs and uninterrupted fun!  Getting older rocks.

xo

{last night…propped up on pillows while mama watched his breathing}

{today was a lazy couch day. daddy & cedar playing with his new iPad}

{i am so honored to be his safe space}

I wish I could say I was one of those mamas that are really strong when their child is sick.  But, I’m not.  My whole world halts and I feel it with him.  I just want to sit near and stare at him while he sleeps and hold him when he wakes and make it all go away.  When he cries while he is coughing, tears run down my cheeks or anxiety fills my heart.  My mind sees flashes of emergency room visits and hospital stays.  Perhaps all mamas feel this way but some are less messy about it.  I know what Cedar needs most is love and I feel confident that he feels that from me and that is what brings me comfort and gives me permission to be gentle on myself.

Its been a heavy and emotional week in regards to some family stuff but Cedar becoming really sick was a not so gentle reminder of where my energies need to be right now.  Both Boho Boy and I have taken a few trips to the Co-Op for natural remedies and the drug store for the big guns.  Tomorrow I am taking him into a new family Naturopath.  Its all chest and head congestion related and his cough seems really painful but no fever, thank goodness.   I am sitting here on the couch with him.  It is 8:30pm and he’s been asleep for 3 hours.  I think this might mean another long night of staying awake with him against my chest, reading and watching the tellie.  I had so much I wanted to do today but everything has slowed and all that matters is this moment, his breath and his comfort.

I am tired and worn with dark circles and bags under my eyes but I am stepping into that peaceful warrior within.

{I am slowly finding my footing as a daughter, sister, wife, friend and especially a mama}

Thank you to all of my dear friends and family that have been sending Cedar love, prayers and healing thoughts. Man, he is a little dude blessed with so much love.

Also…sending all of you a warm cup of healing soup on this day of remembrance (9/11).

{my sis and me, after a few days of much heart work and tears that come from the deepest places}

Some thoughts that have been on my mind the last few days…

My whole life and especially presently, I have been attracted to and attracting people that are very different from me. I love the unique. I learn from it. It widens, expands and opens my heart. For years now I have been a seeker of the different on a quest to find Truth and Love.  I do not need the people in my life to be the same as me, although kindred spirits are a blessing in and of itself. What I am discovering that I do need and strive to cultivate is kindness and respect among family and friends, however it is expressed from person to person. We all express it differently. I yearn to cultivate peace for my home and the environment surrounding my son.  Peace that will offer him room to breathe and LOVE and be who he needs to be while feeling held in complete acceptance. I suppose peace does that for me too and it is important, very important for me to offer that breathing space to anyone around me.  It always has.

One thing I am learning and navigating through, is the balance of being open to love and be loved with healthy boundaries.

Every single person in my family, oh my…we are all wonderfully different than one another.  This past year has been full of some deep wounds opening within all of us.  We are all…each of us, in a space of wanting to let go of habitual patterns and release what binds and holds us spinning in the same unhealthy and toxic cycles.  That is so so hard, isn’t it?  To break free of such things.  For so many reasons.

Last week, before my sister arrived, I was sitting knee to knee with a neighbor and dear new friend, listening to her share about her own family dynamics and how her and her parents are now practicing consciousness of patterns that arise each time they visit with one another.  Each of them are doing the work to come to a place of awareness with one another.  They have moments when they catch themselves projecting and they each take responsibility for their own actions/reactions and work through it together.  When she shared this with me, my eyes held hers and I shared how deeply I craved this for my family; An openness that can provide healing and understanding and compassion in a peaceful way.  She reminded me that it is HARD work because the only way we can all get there is if we do our own work, take responsibility for our part in the cycle and have compassion for the rest.  That’s huge and hard but so freeing.  It is a space we all ache for but our fears and insecurities hold us back.

So that is where I am.  I plan to step through the fear and do my own work.  My part in the puzzle.  I am going to seek out a therapist and work through it in a way that feels right for me.  A few of my family members are planning to do the same and those few of us plan to go together next month.  Perhaps someday, we can all…every single one of us in the family…gather and do the work together. I am going into this without any expectations but with so much HOPE because the awareness that has surfaced this past year and the peace that comes with it, is enough for me to keep going and trust in this process.

And I am so grateful that I have this amazing person by my side through it all.  A man who truly SEES me and my truth and inspires me to step into LOVE every single moment while still maintaining those boundaries that are necessary for self preservation and peace:

And this little dude who has been an angel in my family this entire time. His arrival and gift of healing hearts around him was divine timing:

I love my family. I feel blessed with the different and the same and even the hard work that comes with it all.