About 6 years ago, Boho Boy and I were one of our many vacations on Vancouver Island, in Victoria, BC. We were driving around some beautiful ocean side neighborhoods, excitedly dreaming, wishing, hoping that this could be possible for us one day. We were newly married and had a lot to figure out when it came to how we would get there but in that moment, all we wanted to do was dream. There was this house near the water, tucked away in trees. A tiny silver boat was tied to their own private dock at the side/back. We imagined they would take quick trips to downtown Victoria for the farmers market or what have you. As we drove even slower pass the house, we noticed there was a woman and a young girl crouched down by a bush near the front fence. The woman had a bowl tucked into her arm and one by one, her and the young girl were plucking blackberries and dropping them into the bowl. Boho Boy and I looked at one another with big sighs. “I want that someday when we have a family” we both said in our own words. Often, when that dream felt so far off, we would talk about that moment and the possibility of that dream for us to keep us going. Eventually, well, the last few years before moving here to be exact, we stopped talking about it because in all honesty, it ached too much.
Just a few days ago while on a walk I realized something. We live in a home in the Pacific Northwest, tucked away in the trees, a block away from a bay where we canoe and kayak… and every morning, we take Cedar to the side of the house to pick raspberries for breakfast. “Honey!” I said…“It really happened for us. We are living that dream.” Of course there were a few jokes tossed around because Boho Boy cannot whisper a word without humor interlaced. Like its raspberries instead of blackberries and Washington instead of British Columbia…but it is so close, non? It gives us chills. The power of speaking our dreams out loud. The power of manifesting. The power of vision boards. The power of prayer. The power of meditation. All of it. Just gives me chills. And I am living proof that the dream may not turn out exactly how we envisioned (I am not talking raspberries here, but adoption rather than conception) but if we stay close to our desires. If we whisper them or shout them or write them down or release them…if we BELIEVE them…we find ourselves one day looking around and realizing we are in it.
About a month ago, I found myself needing to pull back from the Internet a bit more. I had shared on my blog and with my loved ones before moving here that I wanted to be on the Internet less so that I could be more present to what surrounded me and our new home. For the first few weeks that was simple to do. We were settling in and exploring new territory, meeting our neighbors, etc. But I found myself opening up my laptop again to reach out and connect. The last 10 years of my life was full of beautiful relationships and events and projects and documented journeys online and it was an integral part of my growth and journey. The more I connected online while here, the more I noticed I wasn’t feeling open to connect with my neighbors or meet up with a dear friend. I also am aware that Cedar seeing me on my laptop these days causes him stress (little smarty), which causes me stress and then we both get grumpy. When online, I was connected to this extraordinary, earthy, deep and richly layered group of women and because they are all SO rad, it was so hard for me to not want to swim in their unique and powerful energies all day long. But my intuition was telling me to pull in and go outside and meditate and pray and rediscover what my energy is. I am attracted to and attract such powerful soulful women in my life and it can be so easy to be inspired and influence by their gifts. This is my most favorite thing about the Internet. How it connects us to like-minded spirits. But I am in this space where I am needing to reconnect with my voice, my heart, my core values, my spirituality…because I am feeling less grounded and more swept up. I am also in a space of knowing that I need to relearn how to connect with others in the flesh. I had grown so comfortable with email and phone and random visits here and there but when my neighbor the other day came over to say hello, I found myself totally awkward with being caught off guard. With email, we can sit down when the house is quiet or we are taking breaks. Same with phone calls. But what about when life is messy or loud or busy or I am tired or not showered with a greasy head of dreads and my friend pops over? I don’t want to hide or shy away from those real life moments. I desire to feel at ease with the day to day in-person relationships that most people have but I haven’t had for years.
Me quieting the Internet noise has opened up a lot of clarity for me about how I am in this world and I have a lot to learn but one thing that has really shifted all of this for me is coming to the realization that I am an Introvert. When I decided to pull back from the Internet (which meant deactivating my FB account, barely on email and blogging a bit less), I reached out to a few friends to let them know where I would be. One of them is my dear sister-friend Susannah. She is in the throws of the finishing touches of her book (editing phase…yay!!), so of course, I also wanted to check in with her about that journey before I drifted off into fae-land. She passionately shared with me that she most recently had a realization and took the Myers Briggs test online to confirm that she was indeed an Introvert (she shares about being an Introvert in this video blog). This awareness helped her realize so much about herself in a positive, affirming light. She shared it with me because she said she thought of me and wondered if I may be an Introvert as well. She sent me this article: 10 Myths about Introverts and for the past 3 weeks, I have been marinating in the idea that so much of how I groove in this world makes more sense as an Introvert. I noticed this article is making its way around the Internet and I find it so fitting that many of us bloggers are part of this community of Introverts (type in the words introvert and blog into google and you’ll find a ton!). I am soaking in and loving that what I sense from others is an empowering vibe surrounding this whole idea.
For so long I have attributed so much of my need to be alone in order to rejuvenate or my overwhelm in groups or crowds (online or in person) or my sensitivity to noise or my way of being quiet unless I had something meaningful to say and so so much more (read article linked above) to me being an Empath. And I know much of that gift of empathy ties into my story but I also am relieved to know there are more layers to it. I am relieved to know that I am okay and it is not about being overly shy or insecure or a recluse or anti-social. That my need to pull in is about self care, self-love, self preservation and nurturing, so that I can be more centered (and more present for those that are close in my life).
I know this post has been a bit all over the place. I suppose I had a lot to share…but I also know I will be exploring this quite a bit more in this space, the more I swim around in these waters of awareness. Sus suggested I get this book. Perhaps some of you, after reading this, are no longer feeling alone now too.