- Wednesday, February 16, 2011
- Posted in enoughness,gentleness
I think so many of us, me included, feel the need to fill up space with words in a conversation. That when a loved one is navigating their way through something hard or uncomfortable, we feel a pressure to say the right thing or to fix it with advice or wisdom. Most of the time, we all just need to be heard. Sometimes just simply feeling validated for our emotions is all we need. A lot of the time, hearing stories from another person going through the same thing is what heals the most. It helps us to not feel alone. It gives us strength to carry on…in our own way…in our own time.
I want to practice listening in a way that allows for someone to feel held exactly where they are without them feeling as though they need to move forward right away. I want to practice sitting with it, with them…and breathing into the emotions of now. I want to practice saying “I hear you, I feel you, this is hard or this is wonderful or yes, I understand where you are” more than “This is what I think would help…”.
And I want to invite more of that into my life, my circle, too.
I am holding space for all of this today.
February 16, 2011
I agree wholeheartedly …
http://anunfetteredlife.blogspot.com/2010/10/gift-of-listening.html
http://anunfetteredlife.blogspot.com/2010/11/maturing-into-silence.html
February 17, 2011
I loved this. I want to invite more of this into my life, too.
February 17, 2011
This SO hits me. I am working on editing what I speak… listening with my ears AND heart.
February 17, 2011
This post is amazingly on target for me. I was just in a situation earlier today where, after the fact, I wondered if I should have spoken a little less and listened a little more. I was trying to say all the right things and I wonder if the right thing to say was nothing at all.
February 17, 2011
The other day my step-daughter asked why life had to be so hard. I instinctively knew that she didn’t really want an answer, and so I just told her how I remember life feeling so hard also at her age. And then she opened up just a little bit more.
It’s funny, because as women, we just want our husbands to hear us – just like you are saying in your post. We don’t want solutions most of the time. And yet, when our kids complain about the pains of life, what do we do? We give them solutions…
Something to think about. Thanks for a nice reminder.
February 17, 2011
these words found the perfect place in my heart today. thank you.
February 17, 2011
i, too, believe this to be valuable and need to cultivate a place for it. the impulse is to “fix it” or “wisk it away” but what people need is “i hear you and i’m here for you.”
February 17, 2011
i’ve experienced this a lot with being ill. people are scared of it so they want to talk talk talk it out.
sometimes the best thing is for someone to lay a hand on yours. or your shoulder. or even your head. that’s an “i hear you, i see you” without saying anything at all. <3
February 17, 2011
I feel the same way. That is exactly what I need most the time too, just a listening and understanding and validating ear.
February 17, 2011
So much of the time we are quick to try to fix things, because we care and because we want to put something right for those we love. Sometimes it can be the most healing and helpful thing to do nothing, but just be – “hold the space” as they say when talkiing in terms of caring for little ones – in the same way as a toddler tantrum can’t be fixed, but is better left to burn itself out, so to, sometimes an adults cry for help is best just listened to rather than given advice or stories of sympathy. Sometimes it is good to hear that another has gone through it, but sometimes we just want to be heard, not fixed, not empathised with, but truly heard. A difficult skill, but one I admire you for cultivating.
PS Those wraps sound delish – can’t wait to try xx
February 17, 2011
Yes.
This is an art I am practicing as a training substance abuse counselor. Sometimes there is healing in the stillness of sitting in someone’s present.
February 17, 2011
beautifully said
, sometimes silence speaks louder than any words…
February 17, 2011
Thank you for reminding me to listen today.
February 17, 2011
I so believe in this- we call it witnessing in yoga. Thanks for the reminder!! ?
February 17, 2011
wisdom in silence<3
February 17, 2011
“Most of the time, we all just need to be heard.”
You hit the nail on the head.
February 17, 2011
You are wonderful. love your words.
February 17, 2011
Thank you. I really needed to be reminded of this today.
February 17, 2011
oh lovely. i’ve needed this. i’ve felt ‘pushed to move on’ by some wonderful, well meaning friends lately and its just been hard. i need to give myself permission to just sit and be where i’m at, feeling the fullness, the pain, the joy of whats going on without trying to ‘buck up and move on’. thanks for creating that space. [exhale]
February 17, 2011
I have a little poster on my wall called ‘Things You Can Learn From a Dog’. One of my favorite sayings on it is this: “When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.”
February 18, 2011
It is amazing to me how stillness speaks to me
Sometimes so hard to do when your instinct is to engage, react, respond
but sometimes the most effective thing to do for all involved
is just to be
thanks for this beautiful post D….I love it
love and light
February 18, 2011
Not enough people actually listen to others. It’s so easy to be distracted by our own concerns, even when listening to the concerns of those we love. Thanks so much for posting this reminder to be present for others.
February 18, 2011
wow. last night we shared with our family the news that our daughter may have a rare metabolic disorder (which is progressive & untreatable). in the midst of my tears and worry for my daughter and our other children my mother in law tried to “fix” things for us. it was not helpful. it was hurtful. all we needed was for her to listen and say, i’m sorry.
February 18, 2011
oh yes, I think my husband has really learned when to speak and when to listen and comfort. It’s so important to be there for each other. I still have to take a step back when talking to people who are venting and realize that all they really want is someone to feel some sympathy and listen to their feelings.
Also listening helps us to be so much more present in our day. One of my favorite things to do is sit when I’m out with my 1yr old daughter and just watch and listen to life go by. love to absorb the world around and having a kid really helps take that to the next level. Perfectly shown here…. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-EkbC2nvGYk&feature=BF&list=PLEC582219268636A2&index=10
February 18, 2011
This has come up recently for me too. Stressful times and I just wanted to let out some frustration and be soothed and often we meet this with defensiveness rather than support. Thank you for putting this out there. It takes strength to be a good listener.
February 18, 2011
Give Thanks. Silence…
February 18, 2011
Denise,
My dear .. how do you always manage to get such wonderful self portraits? You always look as if someone else is taking the photo’s. Have you taught Cedar how to use your camera?
amazing!
February 19, 2011
Dear Denise,
You might already know this poem, but I just would like to share it with you anyhow. I have hosted women’s circle’s in the past and listening without advice was one of the ground rules.
Here is is:
When I ask you to listen to me
and you start giving advice,
you have not done what I asked.
When I ask you to listen to me
and you begin to tell me why I shouldn’t feel that way,
you are trampling on my feelings.
When I ask you to listen to me
and you feel you have to do something to solve my problem,
you have failed me, strange as that may seem.
Listen! All I asked was that you listen.
Not to talk or do-just hear me.
Advice is cheap. Ten cents will get you both Dear Abby and
Bill Graham in the same newspaper.
And I can do for myself. I’m not helpless.
Maybe discouraged and faltering, but not helpless.
When you do something for me that I can and need to do for myself,
you contribute to my fear and weakness.
But, when you accept as a single fact that I do feel what I feel,
no matter how irrational, then I can quit trying to convince
you and get to the business of understanding what’s
behind this irrational feeling.
And when that’s clear, the answers are obvious
and I don’t need advice.
Irrational feelings make sense when we understand
what’s behind them.
So, please listen and just hear me. And if you want to talk,
wait a minute for your turn;
and I’ll listen to you.
-Anonymous-
I hope you enjoy this in case you didn’t know it.
Love form Eva