Boho Girl

I asked for some alone time today. I have been in deep need of solitude to sort out my thoughts. So, I sit here at a local coffee shop and I am slowly breathing in the aroma of my chai latte sitting near my MacBook.

I am such a sharer. For years in this space I have spilled the big stuff going on in my heart. I have come to this place to let it out, for processing, for healing, for moving through the myriad of emotions that come with it all. I have also come here to find my voice and with hopes that by me sharing my story, others will not feel alone and gather up courage and bravery to find their own. That is why it has been so hard that I have been unable to spill about some pretty huge emotions and shifts going on in my immediate family right now. Pieces of it are so private, so sacred and some of the people involved are not as open to share their life as I have done so openly. So, I respect their feelings, their choices and their needs and because of this, I am unable to share here.

I sit here at this table in a public space wiping my tears, trying to breathe them back, to look out the window and focus on something, anything else so I don’t draw any attention.

The holidays whirled by at the beach house and then settling back into home and then packing again for another week away. When life is busy like this, I keep above water and don’t have a moment to sink into mySELF and all that is going on within. Until now. Until solitude. Until gazing out of the window at passersby. It comes rushing in.

I have such a wide open heart and I feel so much. Not only my emotions but the emotions of those I love. It can feel overwhelming and the natural part of me…the “who” I have been in this family since I was born into it, is the peacemaker. I could make other’s pain or hurtful words go away with smiles and being funny or charming or warm and loving. Many times just brushing the hard and icky parts under the rug, just to keep the peace. Setting boundaries with people I love goes so against my grain but I have learned how to do this slowly, in my life. My husband has been a huge part of recognizing my need to step back and protect my space and my heart so that my openness and kindness are not taken advantage of. Being a mother has naturally exercised those muscles of creating a healthy environment in my life, for my husband and son.

Roles and relationships are shifting within my family. It is new territory but so needed…for all of us. We crave change and yet are so afraid of it. It will take time. Gentle, patient time but in the meantime, I struggle most with feeling so misunderstood by some. I am sure each of us struggle with this, in our own way. I am holding onto hope that we are all on our way to feeling a little more understood, so the healing can begin.

Its big stuff and some days I walk softly with it; open arms, just trusting. Some days I feel consumed with the fear of old patterns, habitual reactions and past wounds. Some days I feel raw to the bone and tender to the core. Some days I feel firm footed and brave….wild woman…boundless…ready. Today I feel ALL of it.

I love my whole family so much. Every single one of them. We are a blessed bunch to have one another. The reasons why we were put on this earth together is for stuff like this: Growing pains and spreading our wings and the support to take flight. And this is why all of this feels so big to me.

I will be at my sister’s farm for a week. I may or may not be able to post from there. Perhaps just some images, perhaps not. But I know I will feel wrapped up having shared the stuff going on with me that has kept me more silent here than usual.

When I look at this photo above, I am brought back to a simpler place where the three of our souls dance together. Where shifting old family patterns can start at the beginning, here in our wee home. Where I can gently guide Cedar with the wisdom I will gather through this experience to always be gently honest with us, to know and speak his truth and to be true to his heart.

Thank you for holding this space lightly for me and for respecting that this is all I can share.

Healing is my word for 2011.

…and impromptu Cedar ditty. So many life questions for this little soul. This song sums it up perfectly.

Inspired by the beautiful Amanda, the five of us sat around the table on Christmas Eve and created our own Gratitude Garland. Each of us had gathered beauty from the earth to paint, draw and write on. We wrote what we feel grateful for. Boho Brother stayed up the latest layering found objects with his unique arty style. The next morning I woke up to Boho Brother and Omi hanging it on the porch of the beach house.

Mmmmm…so magical.  I think I will take it home and hang it in our house to remind me how much being grateful for even the smallest of things, can shift your heart.

So many more images to share but here is one of our most cherished that we continue to gaze at with hearts swollen with love.

{People always ask me what Cedar is wearing, so I think I will start doing that at the end of my posts. ; ) Hat is from Baby Gap. Handmade crocheted scarf made by Cedar’s Auntie Pammie, branch shirt by Kicky Pants}

Sending each of you peace, love and comfy togetherness during the holidays.

Giving all my soul sisters a bum squeeze.

And wrapping my family up: marmie & daddy, my sisters (darlene & pamela), my nieces and nephews (marky, angela, kelly, casey, sean), my bro in-laws (jay & kenny) in SO so so much unconditional love.

xoxox

Cedar is loving his time with Uncle Jon-Erik (aka Boho Brother). He wakes in the morning and runs around looking for him in all the corners of the house…but you can usually find him out on long walks come rain or shine. I love love love this image of Cedar running up towards his uncle’s open arms. We had been playing in puddles for a while and when his uncle surprised him up on the hill, Cedar went running. *sigh*

The brothers walked up to a sandy hill and were walking through the seagulls as they took flight. You can see the two of them in the background while Cedar explores new textures in the sand.

After washing off the sand at the beach shower, we put him in the warm shower at home…back into his comfy feetie pajamas and Boho Brother brought out his art box and paper to explore some art.

Mmmmmm…its been just me and the boys.

Until tonight…when Omi arrives (hopefully safely as a thunderstorm is coming in!).

Oh, and here is my weekly kissy photo except this time with five canker sores. Yes…you heard me…FIVE…all on the rim of my bottom lip. Have no idea what caused them but we are giving them tender loving care. Well, not the kissing kind because Boho Boy kissed me last night and his whiskers made them bleed. Ouch!

We are marinating in the energy the Solstice brings.

Here is me, earlier today, lounging near a fire at the beach house during Cedar’s nap. Boho Boy made me a yerba mate with vanilla rice milk and agave nectar with whipped cream and peppermint bark sprinkles (YUM). I was writing a list of all of the parenting books you suggested on my previous post. I was only able to download Unconditional Parenting from iBook on my iPhone…so the rest we will search for at a bookstore around here. Raising Children, Raising Ourselves is on its way. All of this wisdom is transforming our hearts in beautiful ways. Our intuition always leads us with Cedar but gentle wisdom helps too. ; )

Oh, and how is this for adorable…

May the Solstice rain many droplets of peace and calm.