Boho Girl

pixie, canon 50d

I have a guest post over at the lovely Gypsy Girl’s Guide today!

Hello lovelies. I have surfaced from a bit of time away from the computer. Boho Boy was home from work and I really wanted to be present as a family…together. He too stayed away from the internet. The break was nourishing for our computer geek hearts.

This brings me to a pretty big decision I made and it has taken me months to come to this place with confidence that is is right for me. I decided to take a break from both Facebook and Twitter for a while. I am not sure if this is a permanent decision or if it is temporary. I most likely will create a new Facebook and Twitter account focusing on my e-course when registration begins in February because to me personally, I feel it will be important to have a space for the Nectar Girls to gather and share.  But as far as personal accounts, it was beginning to feel a bit overwhelming for me. I haven’t yet tried to put the feelings that brought me to this decision into words, so bare with me.

First let me begin with how grateful I have been for social media/networking, period. Blogging has guided me to so many like minded spirits. It was how I found some of my people, my dear friends for life…kindred spirits that gathered with me in a virtual garden to nourish one another. This space has given so many of us permission to express and be all the layers of who we are. I can’t say enough about blogging and it is why I choose to show up here and share my story, not only to record my life for my son and family but also to encourage others to tell their own stories;  for healing, for gathering, to not feel alone in this world. I am not sure if my blog will ever go away. You’re stuck with me as far as this space goes. ; )

Facebook and Twitter didn’t always feel so nourishing. What I was grateful for is how Facebook led me to very old and dear friends from various parts of my life: high-school, church, mission trips, college, previous jobs and the blogging community. It gave me a peek into their lives as I always wondered how their journeys unfolded. It kept me in touch with my lovelies;  a peek into their daily doings and a space to exchange words of support or quotes or images of our babes or new hair styles, etc. I will miss this part.  Although, since I tend to be a person that desires to be fully present with my exchanges, I found myself lost in it all most of the time. I am not the best at balancing my energy into many different places at once. I felt a pressure (not from others, but from myself) to show up to not only my home and family but my blog, Facebook and Twitter to share my heart and life. Some of my time that needed to be spent with Cedar and creating an environment in my home that is important to me, was directed towards these spaces and I was left feeling torn. I never felt I could keep up and at times, it brought to surface emotions of not being enough. I noticed that emails in my inbox were not being responded to. Emails from close friends and family that are important to me.  The time I could spend picking up the phone or responding to the email, was spent telling the world that I just brushed my teeth or drank a cup of coffee or my thoughts on a film I had just watched because that was the hip thing to do to stay connected. These are all wonderful, light, fun (and sometimes deep) things to share but I just don’t have the time in my day for it all and being hip is less important to me now than it ever has been. I had to really marinate in this and figure out where I felt my energy was most needed. Twitter was easier for me to let go of. It always felt presumptuous to me that anyone would want to know so many details about me!!  Some of my friends are so creative with it and I wish I had the Twitter mojo but oh my…it got quite boring on that page.

What solidified this decision for me was the few times I took a break from them.  I noticed I had more energy for my son and was able to put more energy into activities that fed my soul and my family.  That was big.

I feel it is so important to make it clear that this is my story with these forms of social media. We all have our own stories and experiences. Others in my life find Facebook and Twitter more nourishing for their souls, as well as an awesome element to their creative businesses and I celebrate and honor that we are all suited for different things at different times in our life. Rather than wish I could be more creative and useful like my friends in those communities right now, I decided to accept my truth and that is a person that thrives sharing through my blog and in deep personal one on one connections.  It is essential for me to continue to be authentic to what feels nourishing and what doesn’t and also to not stretch myself too thin.

Perhaps someday space in my life will open up for these things.  Until then, I will have to connect with loved ones the old fashioned way.  ; ) Now that I will be on the computer less, I hope to teach Cedar to do more of this:

I also wanted to end this with an update about my marmie.  She is doing so much better holding her food down and has put on a few pounds.  Her color is coming back a wee bit.  We are so grateful for all of your wonderful suggestions and will continue to go back to them during this journey to healing she is on.

Also wanted to ask if you could send up some positive prayers and thoughts for two of my nephews that I care for deeply.  They are going through a really rough time right now and our hearts are heavy.  Its a bit too personal to share but I know when it comes to the power of communities gathering to lift up, the details don’t matter.  So grateful for your intentions, always.

My dear friend Em is teaching a yummy ecourse…and there is still time to sign up!! For those of you that are dipping your toes into the world of crafting, like me, this is a wonderful and un-intimidating place to start. And for those who are already bonafide Craft Goddesses, this is a fun way to explore another obsession. ; )  Read more information about it here and here.

Em also makes the most gorgeous camera straps.  Such an awesome Christmas gift!  My camera feels so much more dazzling with it.

xo

cedar, two years old

Growing up, Boho Boy and his brother woke up on the morning of their birthday to their parents singing “happy birthday to you…” with their cake and candles lighting up the room. They made their wishes first thing, blew out the candles and the magical day began. They did this every single year.

We wanted to start this same tradition for Cedar’s birthday, so this morning he was woken up with a song and a gluten free cupcake and two candles lit. It was awesome to see his wonder.

Another tradition we wanted to continue that we started last year was his birthday fort. Although this year, it lasted about 3 hours before he kept pulling on it and it came crashing down…three different times! Perhaps next year, he’ll understand that in order to have a fort, you gotta keep it up. We had a blast while it lasted…all cozy and cuddly…playing and tickling and reading books.

I have a slideshow of the fort the day before…the morning candle song…and the presents he opened from his Omi. We are going to celebrate his birthday again over Thanksgiving. Everyone should have a birthday week!

A few things about Cedar and his terrific two~ness:

• Even though he can hold his bottle fine, he still only wants mama to feed him…even if its just a few sips after a nap and before sleepy times. That alone is comfort for him
• He still loves pureed sweet potatoes and carrots with each meal
• Avocados with a dash of sea salt are his favorite
• He just discovered popcorn and calls it “hopan”
• He’s really into trains, airplanes, helicopters and school buses
• He loves to sing in the car when we’re driving and for us to join in
• He wants all adults in the room to share in whatever he is doing, tasting, feeling, seeing.  He invites you in.
• He is timid with other children in that way
• He went through a hitting phase, which was heartbreaking and a growing experience for mama…but after gently talking him through each experience, he seems to have moved through it
• He seems to have a joyous effect on other children
• People often tell me about the light in his eyes and his pure joy
• They also still think he is a girl.  Even if he is in a super duper boyish outfit
• He loves to Skype with Auntie DD.  They play trains and also both fall on top of a bunch of pillows on each of their couches.  He thinks when she is not here, she lives in the laptop.  He often runs up to the laptop and says “Hiiiii Thee Thee!!”…like he’s calling her out to play.  Its both adorable and heart breaking
• My parents are getting Skype over the holidays so they can have play dates with him too
• Right now, if I Skype with someone else, he covers his eyes.  He believes only Auntie DD lives there and anything else is too bizarre to handle
• Mondays he goes through daddy withdrawals
• Daddy gives him a bath each night and they make bubbles with a bubble maker
• Cedar now thinks our lights that are in the ceiling are also bubbles because they are bulbous
• In his mind, the whole world is full of bubbles
• He loves being naked and always pulls his pants off
• He believes all of his stuffed animals are real and he has long conversations with them in his crib
• When he plays with anything that has wheels, he lays on the ground and observes how the wheels move while he pushes it slowly
• Before he has a meltdown on the ground, he does a little dance.  Its really hard not to laugh
• He is fascinated with how things work and are put together.  Last time we were at the park he laid on the ground under one of those bouncy horsey rides to see what made it go back and forth.  He laid there observing for a few minutes
• He has a memory like an elephant and sometimes its almost creepy what he doesn’t forget
• He doesn’t miss anything and notices the tiniest treasures from a distance.  Like a spec on the ground lots of feet away
• He is now a big fan of bamboo clothing (who isn’t).
• He has never sucked his thumb but since birth, he rubs his ears for self soothing to help him sleep or when he is unwell.
• He has awesome rhythm
• He is as tall as a three year old
• He’s really witty, already…so this means he might be a clown
• He is our greatest gift and our most favorite life teacher

Happy Birthday, our dear sweet gnome, wood nymph, faerie boy.

me & cedar a few hours ago, taken with palm pre phone

This is the darkest my hair has ever been.  Had to get a shot of it for posterity.  My friend colored it last night.  I especially love this photo because I am giving Cedar a forced cuddle to get the shot for my family and friends to send on their phone.  He just wants to be playing in the puddles…not snuggling his mama.  Most of the times he will pose but not when there are huge pools of water to splash in.  We weren’t prepared for the downpour of rain today.  So we got soaked and you can see tiny beads of raven tinted drops all over my head.

I am still trying to get used to having raven dreadies.  I might now explore having one indigo and one purple colored one.  I feel like it looks sort of vixen-ish.  Boho Boy agreed.  Why not spice it up!

pixie campbell, canon 50d

I met Pixie years ago in my very first online community:  Sark’s Marvelous Message Board.  Both her and I moved on from that community to writing our own blogs and a few years later, her and I reconnected again in blogland.  In the beginning, I went by the name Bohemian Girl and in her comments, she addressed me as Boho.  It caught on and others started doing it as well.  I myself connected more with that sweet nickname and there you have it.  Pixie is the one who named me.  ; )

I received a very tantalizing email from her a few months ago wooing me out of my sabbatical to photograph her.  I told her that I feel rusty and that she would be the perfect person to stretch my photographer limbs and explore where I am at with this art of mine.  It had been a little over a year since I had a session.   When she told me how enormous this session would be for her at this time in her life and that she wanted no one else for the job, I felt honored, humbled…and more importantly, needed.   I had forgotten what it felt like to feel needed in a deep and spiritual way outside of these four walls of my home.  It gave me courage.

I told her I have a mushy mama brain.  She told me she does too.  So, we gathered our wits and our charms and wine and cheese and music and props and dress-up duds and hats and BRAVERY and we hiked up a weedy hill to see what would follow us in our surrender.

It started with sitting on a blanket, taking deep breaths and reminiscing about the journey of our relationship.  How when I was going through fertility stuff, she was having babies and how neither of us forced anything with one another at that time.  The mutual respect between Virgo sisters born just a few days apart has always lived between us.  There were a few tears.  Then we lightened up and tossed around dreams about our art.  Then we burned sage.  Then made a prayer to the heavens.  Then once the big black top hat went on her gorgeous head, the whole darn field was infused with magic.   I call it our Pleasure Field.   I felt a warmth surrounding us and our vulnerability gave way to some very raw and moving moments with one another, with ourselves, with Mother Earth and some singing coyotes.

The whole session shifted some things for both of us.  She wrote a bit about her thoughts on it here.  For me personally, it opened up a space in me that hasn’t been explored in some time.  Sessions to me go so far beyond just capturing moments for my client.  Every single one of my sessions so far has been rooted in some sort of transformation for the artist I am photographing.  It is emotional and freeing and opening.  Not only for them but for me.  It has always felt like an even exchange of love and adoration.  And it never just happens within the few hours of shooting.  The transformation begins with the emails exchanged beforehand and then perhaps a long phone call and then right before the session when there are hands being held and long gazes and spilling and tears and then afterward…the emails sharing  how they feel changed and how I feel changed and the photos shared and oh man…they feel beautiful and whole and seen and I feel seen.  Its such an intense process and it is why I am not able to do this all the time.  I am so lead by my heart on the timing of sessions and I honestly let go and don’t try to make any of this happen.  It is such a lesson in trust for me.  Its been hard to put into words for people why I don’t offer myself as a photographer full time.  I am not even sure if I knew why exactly…until now.

Pixie asked me where my heart was now with my art after having this session.  I told her it felt like a veil is lifting and I am beginning to see and feel more clearly where I want to journey with this art of mine.

A previous client of mine wrote this to me recently…

Denise, you have no idea no idea all that followed from that cracking open– I am so in my beauty.  My soul is so in me.  SO much is happening and it ALL. BEGAN. WITH. THAT. TRANSFORMATIVE. photo shoot.

I think I am learning that I may have a deeper purpose with my lens.  Its not easy for me to say that.  I am shyly putting it out to the world.  As most anyone who knows me intimately, knows I can be humble…to a fault.  Meaning, it is easier for me to let others shine than to allow my sparkles to glisten.  But after every session, I have received very similar sentiments and years into it, I am just now willing to embrace that there is something truly unique happening here and I promise you I am not at all thinking it is about me.  I feel strongly that it is a collaborative movement between spirits.  A movement that I want to tap more into to see where it can take me and other photographers.  Its a movement that isn’t just about the images but the process and the journey.

Look at the peaceful calm on Pixie’s face in those last few photos.  I look at those and cry every. single. time.  I want to bottle that cocoon of soft flowing self love and abandon and gently mist it all over our world and throughout the Universe.

We were one another’s nurturer that day.  Then we ended with wine and food and feeling tipsy and giggling.  You can’t end a day in a Pleasure Field without getting high.