- Friday, September 3, 2010
- Posted in dreadlocks,motherhood,release,toddlerhood
self portrait today with phone {a photo i took for a dear friend that just got dreads and needed reassurance that bumps and grooves are an everyday part of them}
this is how my life feels right now. a little bumpy and loopy and frayed. this is why my dreadlocks parallel my life in a beautiful, messy way. ; )
i am having a wee bit of computer issues. hence…the lack of posting and spilling. i recorded a long, heart soaked vlog for all of you today and when i replayed it, i sounded like i was sitting in a closet with cotton in my mouth. i think i cried. well, okay i admit, i DID cry because i really wanted you to hear it. so i will try to share again what i felt inspired to share in that moment. it might not look the same but it will be what is supposed to be sent out into the world, i must trust.
i’ve had two weeks of emotional upheavally days (yes, just made up that word) with sweet, dear cedar…and his deep need to express himself, along with his frustration that he is unable to do it fully with words. so i shared about it in a very raw and vulnerable way on the vlog i recorded this morning while he was napping. it felt so HEALING to get it out there and release. then he woke up and was in such a soft, cuddly, present mood with me. our day was pretty stellar. i took him on a nature walk and there was so much connectedness between us. i honestly believe it was because he could feel my release of worry for him and my trust in the process and his sensitive soul opened up more space for us. when my husband came home tonight, i couldn’t stop talking about our wonderful day (because for the last two weeks, he came home to a weepy, exhausted, emotional wife).
i thought i was losing it yesterday. today i felt so centered and present and patient and alive. motherhood is beautiful lumpy bumpy ride, man…with lots and lots of groovy grooves.
i am posting the video anyways, for those of you that have earphones and can turn up your volume loud enough to perhaps gather a few words. ; ) just so i don’t feel it was completely for naught.
September 3, 2010
Oh lovely I hear you!
I can't think of any good stories at the moment, although I know I have hundreds, as I feel as though I haven't slept in a week with Autumn's night time needs but I'll come back when I've woken up a bit (might be next year then
Until Autumn was about 2 and a bit (now 3 and a bit) I would wake up in the morning and feel like I was a new parent again and felt like I spent the whole day running to catch up feeling completely bewildered. Seeing other mums with similar aged children skipping through the day just made me feel so crappy but also in complete awe of them too. In fact…I think you're the first person I've heard talk about parenting a toddler and It actually mirror my experiences!!
Thank you for sharing
Much love xx
September 3, 2010
Yes!
Thank you so much for your honesty.
I don't know what to say except i know, i'm there too. It can feel so isolating and like you're the only one with a child like this (although that's probably only because no one talks about it). I never had those gentle, quiet moments…my son has always been active & expressive from day 1, and it is as you say something to be celebrated!
Thank you for reminding me of the bigger picture – when i'm there 1 on 1, day by day, (tired, emotional, 'alone') it's so hard to not take it personally and to see it all in the light of my own expectations and adult understanding. I expect him to see it my way & understand but he's still so young even at 2 1/2!
<3 ella
September 3, 2010
Hey Mama!! You're doing a superb job!!!! You are so present and aware of your situation which is beautiful and yes, exhausting. I have seven lovely, messy children and my youngest are twins. I know you said you are not seeking advice and I will spare you anything philosophical, but practically teaching my little girls sign language was a life line for me. With two toddlers most days I felt like I was literally drowning and I found their frustration was really eased by being able to express themselves with a few simple signs. My girlies are five now. When they are little the days are sooooo long, but truly the years seem to fly by. HUGS!!!
September 3, 2010
you are a magical mommy!
the craziness is normal and parenting a toddler is the most challenging job in the world!
the ups and down and highs and lows and the feeling of reeling down a rabbit hole…well they are normal.
we all feel it.
i have 2 20 months apart and some days i feel like a crazed woman.
it is also hard when you are used to your freedom and bits and pieces of what your old life was come to nudge a bit.
but this is it, in all it's nutty craziness. it's love. it's parenting wonderful, wild and silly toddlers. it's all beautiful and those manic days will always pass.
you are a beautiful mommy!!!
September 3, 2010
when technical difficulties happen (or life difficulties for the same matter) i always try to see them as serving a purpose. you put those words out there. it was your own release and therefore changed the rest of your day.
take good care. these days are hard. i remember seeing this age as very cyclical. as he orbits around, we'd have six months of light and six months of dark depending on developmental stuff. it always helped me to know it wasn't forever and that his sweet soul was going through his own transitions just as mine was too.
life is beautiful.
xo meredith
September 3, 2010
Denise..
I like when you put it out there. This is such a nice way to decompress motherhood. Motherhood comes in so many slivers and some are just down right sharp. You are on the right path with being in the moment with Cedar. Knowing to step back when you know something is off with him is HUGE, and reacting out of your own frustration is normal.
I have told you a couple of times that my Ajda reminds me so much of Cedar. She spoke her own language until she was almost 2.5. Talk about challenging because well I was indeed the only one that knew what she was saying. Looking back to that time I should have felt more privileged by that gift to understand what my orb was saying.
Have you looked up information on Indigo or Crystal children..
here is a link to check out.
http://www.mastersinstitute.org/indigo.html
I think Cedar has so much to say to this world. He is just really filing it and putting it in order, because one that gateway opens and all systems are a go — the world will fully understand him. TRUST ME!
Take care .. and I love your necklace by the way. Thanks again for the pictures.. I haven't finished my board.. but I will soon. I do enjoy seeing you and Cedar in my iPhoto's library daily. Makes me smile.
September 3, 2010
It is good to hear you and see you. Thank you for sharing where you are. All mothers go through these times yet I know I have kept much of it to myself for fear of sounding like a bad mom,especially after wanting trey for so long. Thank you for sharing your heft always. I love you deeply.xoxoxo
September 3, 2010
I cried when I watched your vlog because I am there right now and my daughter is 4!!! She was so quiet the first year or so of her life,with her books and her music and just a peaceful pisces dreamy nature. Now it's all changed. I have been asking myself what changed in our lives to have changed her.
I think way too deeply and always blame myself. I was just told by doctors that she is gifted and that her attitude is due to the same kind of frustration a toddler has when he/she can't fully communicate yet.
It's extremely challenging and I cry more often than I'd like out of my own frustration and exhaustion.
In the past,I was thinking about homeschooling her but honestly, I don't think I could hold myself to the wonderful image of that and do well at it.
I'd just be too overwhelmed. I've never experienced such intensity from any child not my other two nor the ones I care for and have cared for for 20+ years.
I'm not angry with my daughter for being so intense but I find myself asking how do I deal with this? day in and day out. uggh.
So sorry to vent on your blog.. it's just a teary day but I've been keeping them in because of the little ones I care for in the day.
Anyway, just wanted to say I really hear you and thank you for being so open.
September 3, 2010
What a treat! I sat here with about 5 minutes at my desk for lunch … munching on my Chik-Fil-A chicken sandwich and listening to you tell me about your heart. I felt like you and I were lunch company.
xoxo,
Christianne
September 3, 2010
Thank you so much, Denise… For bringing me back to reality and helping me see that the grass is not always greener on the other side!
I have four kids, and today was so hectic and I've ended up so emotionally exhausted that I found myself wondering if I should have stopped at one!
Your vlog was a reminder to me that it's not the number of children that makes me tired. It would be the same if I had only one!
Because now that I'm a mother, I am going to be there for however many I have… always. Listening and watching and meeting needs.
You are a wonderfully sensitive mother to your son; that is so inspiring.
September 3, 2010
My nephew is finally beginning to get better language skills, but he is still having a hard time processing his feelings. I try to put myself in his shoes and imagine what might be coming up for him in a given situation, and then ask him questions. "If it was me, I might be feeling X, are you feeling that way?" "Do you know what you want or need right now? Is it…?" Twenty questions. At first he looked at me with shock that I was paying attention. Now he plays along and we get to the heart of the matter faster. It helps him both decompress and frame his emotions meaningfully.
September 3, 2010
Denise your blogs so often parallel my bumpy life here in the uk! Thank you for sharing and making me realise I am not alone. feeling up and down this week. Frustrated as moving forward one moment and halted the next!
My dreadlets (6 wks old) feel pretty loopy, so glad to know that, that too is part of that journey. Especially, as i am back to school after the summer and feeling a little self concious and wondering what the parents of my pupils and other teachers think? Max, our 2 yr old is challenging us too, waking every night for cuddles. That sounds selfish, but our older boys didn't sleep through until they were 4 yrs old!
Thank you dreadgoddessearthmother for sharing. Just knowing that there are lots of mamas going through this really helps.
(Namaste) lisa xxx
September 3, 2010
Oh, and also meant to say your dreads look really good right now… I'm going through a rather frustrated stage with mine but as they're only four months old I suppose that's normal. They're very frizzy and no matter how much I rinse and rinse and rinse, I STILL get soap flakes. If you have any words of wisdom please share… thank you!
September 3, 2010
I'm a daycare teacher, not a mom, but I work with this age group and "what works for us" is infant sign. We start using it around 6 months and start with just a few (more, all done, milk, stop, sleep and help) then add more throughout the year. It is a HUGE help in enabling babies and toddlers to communicate before they can speak. Just the idea that a crying baby can tell you whether they're thirsty, tired or frustrated is pretty cool and an absolute lifesaver in our classroom. They definitely take it with them in their lifeskills toolbox as they grow, too, because you'll even see older toddlers and preschoolers at our school using signs in addition to words to communicate with each other – yelling and signing "STOP!" at the same time, or signing "please" while saying "I want that!". There's tons of information online for anyone who's interested, and you can always make up your own signs. (was this too much like advice?)
September 3, 2010
Hello there, Bohogirl,
I cried reading your post wishing I had a story of my own to share- I'm still tender about another miscarriage not long ago..sigh.., but I do know my dear nephews are testing my sis a lot. They're several years older than Cedar and what I've learned watching and listening to her is at some point the language they speak is shared and she knows exactly what they're saying. I'll be on the phone with them and haven't a clue what they're saying, but she just knows- and they still have growing pains where their emotions are just flowing and bolting out of them. The tenderness with which they all work around this has evolved along with them. Well, I guess I did have something to share after all. Meanwhile, my sweet new pound puppy is having fun "crop dusting" Mommy- what a mess- and I love her.
((hugs, love and open hearts))
ps- I love your goddess necklace- so you in every way.
September 4, 2010
i watched this late last night in my jammies with some tea. headphones on, completely shutting the world out and focusing on your gentle words… i love how your vlogs always feel like i'm sitting with you in your home having a conversation. thank you for pouring your heart out. i'm not a mother, but i feel like i can still meet you where you are and, hopefully, support you in some way. i'm actually having some tender moments of my own right now, so i (to a point) understand that feeling of exhaustion when you're already in an emotional and sensitive space. i think i'm going through a little bit of a twenty-something crisis… trying to figure out where i'm going and what i'm doing with my life. and i think this is even harder when you're a dreamer and a creative mind. i have SO much i want to do and accomplish, and SO many places i want to go and live. do i stay in orange county/los angeles? do i jet off to san fran or berkeley for year? or go live with my friend in new york city, my dream city? or maybe just drop everything and go live in london or paris for a while? do i continue working on my photography? should i start working on film projects again, maybe do a little acting again? my brain is just a little full with choices and dreams and decisions and ideas and options. i'm having to shut out others opinions and voices (some of them quite negative) and just listen to MYSELF. what i want, what i need, what i feel is right. and being such an emotional being, i'm having a hard time. i'm tired. and confused. obviously, this is completely different from what you're going through, but i love that you let us freely share here, in your space… it's cleansing and healing.
just know you are not alone… it's like we're all holding hands and walking through life together. it's so beautiful.
September 4, 2010
Hi Denise, I am a new reader to your blog and I wanted to say hello and share a bit. I have a 20 month old daughter and a 3 1/2 year old son and I know exactly how you feel! My kids are both very verbal so I am lucky in that respect that I can usually get the gist of what they are feeling but that doesn't prevent the many frustrations and emotional ups and downs that toddlers go through. I hold myself to a very high standard of motherhood and really strive to stay present, kind, and conscious but there are days like today, where I feel so on the verge of a breakdown that I get scared I might do or say something really hurtful. I try to remind myself that humans are not designed to raise their children in nuclear families and it just isn't physically/mentally/emotionally possible for one or even two people to fufill all the child's needs and take care of cooking, cleaning etc. It doesn't really make it easier to accomplish those things but at least it relieves some of my guilt about not being able to do it all. My husband also works two jobs and is sometimes gone for days at a time, so there are times I feel like I am drowning when meals need to be cooked, the kids are fighting, my daughter wants me to hold her all day long etc. It sounds like your husband is very sensitive and understanding so I would say let the housework go! Your job is to be a mother to your precious son and sometimes it takes every ounce of your energy to give him what he needs. It really helps so much to just be around other like-minded mothers. Do you have a holistic moms network chapter in your area? Anyway just know you are absolutely not alone in feeling this way. Motherhood dredges up every unhealed part of your being that you never even knew was there. It is the toughest, most demanding, soul-expanding job around! Lots of love…
September 4, 2010
I'm just so glad to know I'm not the only mom who wonders how certain moms do it with their crafting days and meal plans.
That spoke to me! Just today I was thinking, 'maybe I should be thinking up special crafts or something…" but it kind of overwhelms me. I stick to playdough and stickers. 
And I'm always thinking I should have a meal plan, and usually end up looking at the clock and thinking, "Argh! Dinnertime again??'. Thanks for sharing–it's so refreshing!
September 4, 2010
oh dear. i am so right there with you girl! i'm feeling EVERYTHING you just said in you vlog. it was kind of a relief to sit down and listen to another mama going through the same exact thing i go through daily.
my daughter, roxy, is 18 months. the only word she can say is "uh oh" but she understands almost everything we say. my son(7rs) sometimes says "mom, i think roxy speaks spanish" HA!
the other day i gave her a sippy cup with a yogurt drink in it. she finished in in seconds. there was only a little bit of the drink left to fill it back up so i gave her the rest. when it was done she looked at me like "hey, i need some more here". i said "all done! how about some water?". oh boy. this wasn't what she wanted to hear apparently. she screamed, threw the cup at me(which broke open and spilled all over me), threw herself on the ground, kicking, throwing her body everywhere. this was a fit of epic proportions! over a drink!
picking her up wouldn't work, she just threw herself back, kicking me, screaming…yada yada…i'm sure you know how it goes. it went on for 3 HOURS!! i have a new born baby also so she was making him cry and i was crying. i was texting my husband begging him to come home to relieve me from all the screaming. there is only so much you can take right?
these types of blow ups have been happening every single day multiple times a day. why, just today she threw threw herself down in the middle of a parking lot. i'm at my wits end. i cry when my husband come home from work and pray that the next day will be better with her.
sometimes i try putting her in her bed when she starts breaking down so both of us can calm down. i feel terrible for putting her in there by herself when all i want to do is hold her to calm her down(which she doesn't want) but i can't have all three of my kids crying and me too! just this last week i got her bach rescue remedy for kids and hylands homeopathic teething tablets. i was on the edge of my seat to see if it would work. sure enough, i've seen a remarkable difference in her the past 3 days. the small things that would make her freak out aren't bothering her so bad. she seems less stressed and on the edge. she's still super active and loud and fun but i've noticed her needing less of my constant attention. she's still frustrated that i don't understand her but she's not taking her reaction to the extreme EVERY SINGLE TIME something doesn't go right. we are trying to teach her sign language but she's refuses to sign back even though she knows every sign that i do. that can get really frustrating.
anyways, wow. this was really long. i guess it was just nice to get that off my chest! i wish you the best of luck with your little man cedar. such a sweetie he is. my roxy is a dancer too
September 4, 2010
ps. they've got so much heart and soul and deep feelings. i wish i was brave enough to express myself as deeply and honestly as they do!
September 4, 2010
Last night, our family of 3 went to a semi-nice restaurant as a treat, and I had to walk my daughter around the lobby for half the meal, leaving my hubby alone at the table, to keep my daughter from throwing silverware at the other customers (she actually hit one person sitting behind me). We ended taking most of our food home to enjoy later.
We took a baby sign language class thinking that it would give our daughter a way to communicate and not get frustrated, but it still happens. I do love that she can let me know if she wants food, milk or more, but we still get the screaming frustrated moments too.
I was watching your vlog while nursing my babe and she stopped to watch the end of the video and blew a kiss back to you at the end
Kindred spirit!
Amanda
September 5, 2010
You're not alone and you are doing better than you give yourself credit for. Add to that the churning emotions that precede a big life change and move…. everything you are feeling is right on par. Bridget is at a phase in her 17th month where a few times she's gotten frustrated with me, furrowed her brow, and slapped me in the face. Its hard not to have an adult reaction of hurt feelings. My response is to over dramatize my hurt feelings in a way that she might understand. Sometimes it works and she shows me empathy…. most times she laughs.
September 5, 2010
just listened to your vlog, and so remember being where you are. Chris was just the same at Cedar's age – needing so much outside time and opportunities to burn off his energy. And tantrums ? Two or three every day. Honest to god, I spent every moment dreading what would trigger the next one, dealing with one, or getting over one. It was ex-haust-ing! And I'd never know what might set it off, the wrong colour cup for juice, going to the park, leaving the park, who knew?!?
Once he could speak, and as he grew older and understood more, they became less and less frequent, and we had more and more good days. As always, it's a "this too shall pass" thing, but that's not easy when you are in the moment.
September 5, 2010
i haven't any dread experience
but i did raise 4 kids(you&pam mark&ang)
and my observation is that you are a most patient and loving mommy. cedar is truly blessed to have you as we are blessed to have him
oh…and i love your curves (i mean, your grooves)…that too!
xxx d
September 5, 2010
The sound wasn't bad at all this way…love your vlogs for sure! I have to agree…(mom to 3 boys) this is WAY harder than I thought. I didn't expect parenting to be a breeze at all times but I thought if I did a, b and c it would equal what I had envisioned. Not so, these little ones have such strong wills. Which will suit them great someday if guided properly! In my house, 2 is difficult, 3 has been harder and somewhere in the 4th year it starts to get better in some areas. But I wouldn't trade it for anything! I can just imagine how "hard" it can get when they are older…yikes! One day at a time. Being a mom is an adventure and I think we need to all be patient with ourselves and our little ones…and I think you do that wonderfully.
September 7, 2010
just watched this finally with headphones. felt like i was sitting on the couch with you sipping green smoothies.
you are never ever alone.
the dinner part cracked me up. jimmy and i have gone from being complete foodies to eating chips and hummus 4 nights a week for dinner.
love you
xo
September 7, 2010
p.s. i know i've shared many isabella stories with you, but will try and think of more from that time. there were some doozy days there. wooooooooo. xo
September 7, 2010
I just want to tell you that I'm right there with you. I've been describing my daughter as emotionally unstable for the past week; it's the kindest way to sum it up. This morning, she was so chipper and funny — her usual self — and I was happy to enjoy it while it lasted. (She's just a couple of weeks older than Cedar, by the way.) It's a rough time, to be sure, but this too shall pass! And I'm happy to have enough reminders of her sweet side to not wish it all to pass too quickly…most of the time.
I mean, how can my baby girl be almost 2?!? And why can't she be almost 4?
Hang in there!
September 12, 2010
I totally understand what you are going through! I thought my little girl would never talk! But in the 3 months since she has turned 2, it has come like fire! I tried to speak to her in simpler sentences, repeating words for her a lot until she got the hang of them. People looked at me kinda funny in the grocery store, "This is an apple, apple. Can you say apple? The apple is red." But it really helped. Then one day I woke up and she starts talking to me in complete sentences. her speech still isn't that clear, but I know it will get there. She went from " Cow moo" to "what is that mommy? I don't know!" in just a few short months.
She was always very creative, so I tried to let her express it through other outlets while her language developed. Her personal favorite is crayons. While walmart was doing the back to school sale, I stocked up on the 15 cent notebooks and the 25 cent crayons. She loves scribbling away and telling me what the pictures are supposed to be. But her favorite is having me draw shapes for her to color in and tell me what they are! We sin all the time as well. I can here her playing with her toys making up her own songs, "la la la do da dum"
I always wanted to try the baby sign language with her, but I worked so much, she started talking before I got around to it.
Best of luck to you with your beautiful little boy! You are such a great mom and your posts are so inspiring!
October 6, 2010
good grief what has taken me so long to explore your beautiful blog?!
I found you via walkslowly by sara. I just put in dreads (for the 2nd time – first time wasn't right, this time it was perfect) and went looking for info and support. I've been to your blog a few times but finally took time to read a lot of your posts – you are a wonderful writer and the stories about your son and hub are beautiful. Thank you for putting your creative soul out here. You are amazing.
best,
robyn