Boho Girl

cedar’s funny face, 19 months

He’s been making this face lately when he’s unsure about something.

Its awesome.

my boho boys in january, 2010

My dear husband turned 40 today.

I was madly in love with him the day we were married on a cliff, near the sea, with fabric flowing up top tall bamboo and lanterns and lights in the trees.  We were surrounded by faerie magic and the deep love and support from our yummy family and dear friends.

Every day since that magical one, I fall deeper and deeper in love with who he is as an individual, husband, father, son and friend.

The other day he was sitting on the couch reading and I was across from him curled up in his brown leather man-chair.  He asked me why I was looking at him so funny and I said “because you look a lot like you did the day we met in that kitchen in Santa Barbara early in the morning.  Same shorts.  Same type of shirt.  Same tousled hair.”  I kept sacred to myself what else I was feeling.  A little shy to keep going because he seemed embarrassed enough already.  But my heart was swelling that I married that man and he we are, 8 years later and I am still so crushed out.

Please leave him some birthday yums in the comment section.

We are away from our family and friends and I so want him to feel wrapped up in love today from those that surround us in our life.  I planned a spa day for him near the sea.  A 90 minute deep tissue massage and a float tank.  Then dinner at one of our fave places.  YUM.

Here are 40 reasons why I love him.

1. He is so very witty and makes me laugh every. single. day.
2. He loves to read and reading is sexy.
3. He can be the life of the party or the quiet one in the corner reading.  Love that.
4. He has an open mind and is not a fan of labels/boxes on ideas/people.
5. He has the most beautiful forest green eyes.  They sometimes look gray or brown.  Awesome.
6. He has a deep understanding and appreciation for the sacred feminine.
7. I feel he truly sees me and wants me to be ME.
8. He has always encouraged and supported my dream to be a freelance artist/writer.
9. He has worked so hard since I met him so that one day soon we will all live somewhere in the country and work from home, doing what we both love and teaching our child(ren) how to follow their dreams.
10. He has such a deep well of patience and has taught me to be more patient.
11. He has taught me to breathe deep and ask for space when we disagree, so that it doesn’t escalate to a place where we say things we don’t mean.
12. He gives the best hugs ever.
13. He is 6’2 and I am 5’3 and…well, that is yummy.
14. He loves camping in the redwoods of Norther California.  I grew up camping there.
15. He loves/needs to live near the ocean.  Me too.
16. He is a writer and has been writing a trilogy for years. It is Awesome.  That’s hot.
17. He wants to build us a meditation dome in our backyard someday.
18. He is a self taught construction dude (love him in a tool belt).
19. He grew up with a mother from Germany that loves traveling, hosting parties and cooking and a father that was an archeologist/anthropologist/professor/musician and a brother that is a fine artist hippy.  A truly bohemian fam.
20. He is willing to try any way of eating and always jumps on board with me when I start a new thing (currently Vegan).
21. He does Tai Chi in our living room with our son running in and out of  his legs.
22. He is a very present father to Cedar.
23. He has been in a band and is an awesome drummer.  He drums on everything.
24. He walks around naked, very comfy in his skin.  Its inspiring.
25. He is very open minded about spirituality.
26.  He loves/admires both Jesus and Buddha (me too).
27. He introduced me to Sci-Fi and brought out my inner Geek from 6th grade that felt she had to be something other than who she was to be loved and accepted.  I now embrace the Geek in me.
28. He wants to travel to Thailand someday.  Me too.
29. He loves and is proud that his lady is a Boho.
30. He reads my blog every time I have a new post.
31. He supports and encourages girly get-aways for me.
32. He loves to Kayak.  Kayaking is hot.
33. He appreciates and loves my curves.
34. He needs communication to feel truly intimate with a woman and is not afraid to admit that.
35. He went to therapy for a while before we met and had self-help books in his bookshelf.  That is hot.
36. He wants to build us a straw bale house someday.
37. He wears drawstring pants and rainbow sandals in the summer.  HOT.
38. He wasn’t afraid to tell me he wanted to marry me a few weeks after we met.  Love his brave heart.
39. He thinks being a man is being in touch with your emotions and knowing who you are.  HOT.
40. I always dreamed of marrying a man from a different country.  He’s Canadian.  Canadians ROCK.

Bonus fact:  He taught me the concept of asking one another “what are you afraid of?” during disagreements or grumpy moments.  It shifts from projecting to introspection.  YUM.

hillside artisans

My friend Stacy was in town with her family and spent the day at Sea World. It was there where she found what she called a REALLY hot mama resembling Cameron Diaz. This hot mama told Stacy about a yummy boutique called Hillside Artisans where you can find delish shoes, toys and books. So she sent me a text about it and the next day I dragged my boys over to this place…just for fun.  ; )

SO adorable.

Upon entering, we hear a woman singing in an adjoining room and she motioned over to us “So glad you’re joining us, come in! Its free!” It was a music and dance class. There was only one other mother with her three year old daughter. We couldn’t refuse.

Cedar was a bit shy when he first sat down with daddy. The teacher’s voice was quite loud and she was singing right to him and his body language was that of pulling back. But then he warmed up within a few minutes and oh my, was he in his element!!

The next hour was one of the funnest we’ve had with him ever. As I’ve written here many times, he is just so connected to music and instruments and his whole body gets into the groove of it (especially with folk, bluegrass and oldies). So to see his face light up and then break into dance was AWESOME. The teacher wasn’t expecting that at all.  It warmed my heart for her to recognize his soul.  He was really free with it all. He kept handing all of us his intruments and ribbons, wanting us to join. My mama heart melted all over and I got teary quite a bit. Boho Boy just beamed and got into drumming.

Cedar and I are solo, so so much of our days and this is why I try to go to Java Mama or the park as much as possible. So many have suggested I find a play group of some sort and I’ve looked at many options online. I haven’t felt a pull towards any one group and as usual, trusted my gut with Cedar so much that I knew something would come along that felt right for us.

I love how beautifully this came into our day. That is how so many things in my life have worked. Just sort of putting that wish out to the Universe and serendipity surprises me with something so suited for my soul. I felt that this was so suited for Cedar’s soul and felt grateful that being patient and trusting this process blessed him in this way.

The teacher has more classes at her own studio around the corner. So we are investing in a 6 week music/dance class for him, where a lot more kids will be there. I think this is a beautiful way to introduce him to socializing with others, in a place where he thrives and feels safe to be himself.

I wanted to share images I captured of the hour…

Walking to the boutique:

He’s feeling a little freaked out and uncertain:

“Head and shoulders, knees and toes!” He knows this song, so he is feeling some familiarity:

He gets out of daddy’s lap and decides he wants to pretend he is painting on the wall:

Okay, warming up to the idea:

Playing with shakers. He kept handing them to everyone.

Introduction to ribbon dancing! He was listening intently:

Wanting to share his ribbons:

This is when he let loose. Twirling, waving..woohoooo!!

Class done. He let out an “OMG, THAT ROCKED” yelp:

Walking back to our car. Resting on daddy.

Driving home. Leading to the best. nap. ever.

Then end of a day I will always cherish. The day when I felt a world open up for my son.

my view from the kitchen this morning

This week I have really felt the vibrational pull of the full moon. Feeling very introspective and sensitive to feelings of others and my own. Cedar too is quite tender. We went I believe a whole month without the emotional and physical upheaval of teething. It seems to have returned with a vengeance and with it, behaviors like throwing food, slapping mama and throwing his bottle across the room. Because I too am in a tender place with my cycle and the moon approaching, it has taken so much inside of me to take deep breaths and be compassionate about the source of his frustration and not take it personally. Boho Boy is so much better at it than I am but that could be from over 10 years of experience he had teaching elementary school. I feel like teachers should have tattoos on their forearms to remind them of the second out of Toltec wisdom’s Four Agreements: Don’t Take Anything Personally.

The myriad of emotions I have in regards to Cedar in a manner of just a few minutes blows me away. How I can love him so much I could cry and then need space from him and then want to hold him close and then feel hurt if he acts out at me and then laugh at his funny ways…and that was just 10 minutes. Its overwhelming and has taught me so much about myself. It has helped me slow down. It has reminded me to stay present. It has required me to tap into the deepest parts of my sacred feminine for wisdom that was not realized until now.

So much of that wisdom tells me to be gentle on myself. To be gentle and empathize with other mothers, fathers, caretakers from all types of journeys. To have compassion.

I was spilling with a dear friend of mine about some tender spaces of my journey as a mama. One of them being how even though I felt confident about some choices I made for Cedar, I felt judged at times by other mothers. Mostly strangers that would see me at a park or in the aisles of a whole food grocery store. Whether it be me feeding Cedar with a bottle or placing formula in my grocery cart or organic jarred baby food, at times other crunchy mamas would give me a disapproving look. As Cedar would be gleefully sitting in the cart (because from day one, he hated to be confined in a carrier of any kind and needed to be FREE), a mama carrying her babe tight to her chest would give me two glances and looked concerned. One women shook her head when she saw me place Earth’s Best pureed food in a jar into my cart…and when at Target placing formula into my cart, a mama actually told me she was surprised I was feeding my baby formula. Do I really need to go into my story that he was adopted and I didn’t have enough time to get my milk going with herbs? Or that even if I did, I had a deep fear that the herbs wouldn’t work (since it didn’t work for me with fertility) and the last thing I wanted to be doing was putting energy into feeling like a failure rather than feeding my son in peace and filling his belly up in a way that felt right for us? That he had GERD and needed a special type of formula to soothe his burning throat and gut? Did I need to gently pull that woman aside at Whole Foods and share with her how many times I paid hundreds of dollars on organic yummy veggies and fruit to puree it myself and for some reason that I couldn’t figure out, my son would refuse to eat it and only wanted jarred food?

No…I didn’t need to explain all these things to them and thankfully when these things would happen, I was in a centered space and felt deeply connected to my own story. I have always listened to my gut about Cedar and went with his flow and he is thriving and happy and well and for this, I am so blessed. So blessed that for the most part, I haven’t felt a need to justify any of this.

We all go into a journey with expectations. When I married my husband, I wanted to be fully pregnant with his child. I wanted to birth my baby in a tub, leaning on his bare harry chest, guided by a doula or midwife and screaming out to God and my tribe from around the world to get me through the surges. I wanted to pull my child from between my legs and onto my chest and be wrapped up in my husbands arms. I wanted many things but those things evolved and changed and something wildly different ended up happening.

Cedar found us in another way. I caressed the belly of another goddess to speak to my child. I watched him come out between her legs and be whisked away by doctors with gloves into another room to help him breathe and take out the liquid in his lungs. I held him for the first time fully clothed and just a few hours past me arriving at an airport. But it was beautiful and the connection I felt as his mother was instant and later that night as we lay with him in a hospital bed, and my husband told me I’ve never been more beautiful…I realized our story was perfect for us. I was exactly where I wanted to be. My expectations fell by the wayside and I felt fully present with what was.

I just wish in a sea of mothers that hold so many expectations on themselves and others, that we could embrace one another’s journeys. That breast feeding mamas, could comfortably sit near bottle feeding mamas and not feel awkward or disappointed in the other.

My friend Brooke said something to me that has lingered deep for a few days now.  She is an urban-earth mama that I deeply respect and learn so much from…

 Feeling held to standards and rules, that takes the heart and soul out of parenting.  It makes us, as mothers, guilty and it disconnects us from listening to our children as individuals.  It prevents us from showing up to the moment and doing what needs to be done given the circumstances we face.  It denies us the gift of being alive to every breath and listening to our hearts.  The rules become the goal rather than the true goal – in this case, a thriving, nourished healthful child.

These camps and rules and parenting identities – from homebirth to breastfeeding to attachment parenting – it sets up wars and builds walls between us. They are labels and ideals tearing us apart. It makes me so sad that good intentions are actually victimizing us and keeping us isolated from one another.

I really connect to this and with her permission, I wanted to share this with you.  Whether you are a parent or not, I know so many of you are nodding. This can apply to so many things in our life, really. I am putting a plea out to the Universe, to gather gentle, open minded souls to continue creating change, gentle change with these tender parts of our journeys. Journeys of all types…not just mother/parenthood.

Cedar learning how to run FAST like the wind, accompanied by joy soaked giggling!

A few of my photographs published in the Summer edition of Boho Magazine! Go grab a copy. So many delicious articles, gift ideas and eco-yumminess. I heart Gina, the editor. She created such a dreamy mag emulating her desire to live authentically and environmentally.

So totally fun (and rad).

xo

me & cedar swinging at a park, taken by my wife

Before I met my wife I was a ‘Fixer” You know.. the guy who loved to fix everyone’s problems except their own. Was so easy that way. Mr. Helpful… don’t worry about me… I’m fine. After the umpteenth failed relationship, I figured it was time for some soul searching. So I went on a quest of self discovery and improvement.

I went to counseling and had to do the hardest thing I ever did: turn that magnifying glass on myself. It was painful. But the good kind of painful. Those of you that have done “the work”, know what I am talking about.

One day in my best friend’s kitchen in Santa Barbara a door opened and out walked my wife. I knew it the second I saw her. A calm soft voice whispered to me, “There she is”, and that’s what I said out loud.

The urges to ‘Fix” and help all came rushing back in our first few conversations. The White Knight on his gallant steed. But she reminded me: “I don’t want you to fix anything… just hear me”… and I was stopped dead in my tracks. I didn’t want the old patterns to ruin this one. I took a deep breath and let go. All I had to do was love her, with no expectations. It’s so much easier that way.

And now I get to do the same for my incredible son.

Happy Fathers Day.

Love,
Boho Boy

me & cedar this weekend at a bookstore, taken by my wife