Boho Girl

my big sis darlene & cedar, happy together ~ canon 50d

My sister Darlene acquired the nick-name “Auntie DD” when it just rolled off of Boho Boy’s tongue during Cedar’s first days of life. “Do you want Auntie DD to hold you?” His inspiration deeply touched my sister (and me too) and it stuck and it still gives me butterflies to hear it (and her too).

Dar came to visit a few weeks ago. A visit that was a bit spontaneous and so needed for both of us. She is so very drawn to Cedar and his spirit. She truly sees him and gets him and all of his quirks and I am often almost brought to tears at how sweet their connection is. It had been a few months since she had been with him and she wondered if he would remember her. Both Boho Boy and I, along with Cedar picked her up at the airport. When Cedar saw her walking towards him, he suddenly had a huge smile on his face and his whole body was infused with joy and they did this cute thing where they held eye contact for a while up close. Gazing, like lost lovers. Then he did something that is totally their thing. He pointed at her. She was the first person that he ever pointed at months ago and Darlene said to me back then…“that is him saying I love YOU.” And she was right. That is what it means for him when he points at people but he doesn’t do it to just anyone…and he always does it to her. He did the same thing when he first saw her at Christmas. He pointed at her face when they greeted while she held him and she started crying and then I started crying and my niece Angela did and it was just a YUMMY moment to the core.

Having her here was not only healing for Cedar but for me too. I am at a time in my life where I am going through a lot of shifts emotionally. She provided a safe space for me to try to make sense of it all as it spilled by helping me feel heard and validated. She wrapped me up with tenderness during my dramatic PMS moments. No judgment or rolling of eyes but a soft hand brush on the knee and a nod of compassionate understanding and a warm embrace and gentle wisdom guiding me back to my inner voice.

I remember when I was young with a broken heart from my first love, laying on her chest crying, soaking her blouse and then facing one another on pillows while she stroked my hair telling me “this too shall pass…but it sure sucks right now”. She’s always been able to meet me where I was and not try to brush the hard parts under the rug. She somehow magically shares her wisdom as my big sister while still empowering me as a grown woman with a mind of my own. She embraces the ways I am unique without trying to influence me to think or feel the way she does. I think that is a gift she has always carried with her. A gift to provide love and shelter and guidance while empowering and teaching and readying you for flight.

I suppose its her belief in me that gives me courage to remember my own strength. I am blessed to have her as a sister and a friend and now an aunt to my son that is a smitten kitten around her.

Darlene shared her thoughts on Cedar here, here, here and here. These all made me laugh out loud and I feel like she said it better than I ever could.

In mid-April, Cedar and I are going to Northern Cali to be with my dear parents and my other yummy sister:: Grandmarmie, Vu-Vu and Auntie Pammie. Ohhhh…they miss him so and I miss them so and the ache to all be together is huge.

We are off to Bellingham and maybe British Columbia for a week. I am going to try to take a media break during that time. I need to snuggle my husband longer, sink my feet into cold sand, dip my fingers into dirt, lay back and drink in the rain, sip hot tea and hold a friend in the flesh, observe my son in an environment that we just might call home someday and revel in transformation to come.

Do visit my new April sponsors while I am gone. Such lusciousness!

{Side note: We saw the Fantastic Mr. Fox last night. LOVED it. We’re still talking about it. Oh how I adore Wes Anderson and his movies. Cedar laughed at all the funny parts. How did he know they were funny? He’s only 16 months old!}

cedar in his chair, taken this morning

Where did our baby go?

We were in the kitchen this morning. Boho Boy making his Acai smoothie and me stirring Cedar’s oatmeal and we look over to see him reading in his chair. “I love him” said Boho Boy. “He’s amazing”, I said. Cedar looked over to us and we waved. Then did his floppy hand wave back to his doting parents. I swallowed some heart soaked tears of joy. He’s just so special. And we are so blessed. Wanted to share the moment with you.

green smoothie, canon 50d

I know I’ve been a bit quiet this week. With Cedar being a bit more mobile, its been really fun exploring our days together. I am soaking in the wisdom of many mothers before me and am truly embracing each moment with him. Even the moments when we are laughing at flax seeds in his diaper from the flax seed toast he ate the day before. ; )

Our minds have also been occupied on our upcoming trip to Bellingham, Washington for Spring Break (we might also spend a few days in Victoria, B.C…depending on the flow of our days). Bellingham sounds like a slice of Utopia. Years ago when in high school, my friend Letha had a dream that her and I would study art at WWU in Bellingham. The way she described it then sounded dreamy but I wasn’t yet ready to venture out at that time in my life. My dear friend Marybeth lives there now and I can’t wait to snuggle up and watch our children play. So looking forward to how Cedar is with three gorgeous, creative, soulful and spirited girls, all older than him. So far with the few friends (his age) that he has played with at the park, I see a gentle, chill, forgiving spirit about him. I will not at all have this expectation that this will always be his way. In fact, I have no expectations at all…but it is so heart filling to see him being kind to others when he hasn’t had any experience with siblings or other little ones.

I also wanted to share with you something that Cedar and I try to do together each day; drink a green smoothie. I have tried many varieties and my most favorite is my friend Sara’s tropical blend. You can find the recipe on her foodie site here (scroll down for the video). She inspired me to drink it out of a mason jar. Everything tastes and looks better with a mason jar!

cedar & moi, drinking our afternoon nectar

p.s. i am watching american idol this season and i just need to give a shout out to Crystal Bowersox. i love her ways. i love that she may shift things for this show in the future. encourage others to listen to indie artists. and i love that she brought a comfy carpet with her on stage because she felt it was too cold and sat down on the carpet with ryan seacrest. she’s such a kindred spirit. love her dreadlocks. love the ribbons in her hair. love her arm jewelry. she just rocks.

another p.s. check out this delish giveaway over at gypsy yum’s blog.

I just took this photo a few minutes ago and had to share. I knew you’d appreciate it as much as I did. ; ) Sitting, standing or laying down and flipping through pages in a book is Cedar’s favorite place to be. It always has been. With this particular book (Going on a Bear Hunt) he says “uh oh!” with every page and when he gets to the bit about them seeing the bear and running through all the places they had just been, he giggles and giggles. Its just awesome that he gets it…even when he doesn’t know how to read yet (or does he and he is just keeping it secret?).

Boho Boy the Librarian is so thrilled about Cedar’s passion for literature. ; ) I am sure some of you are looking past the book and noticing his Buddha belly. I know…totally pinch and squeeze and raspberry worthy.

grace & blair, canon 50d

Not sure how many of you know this but we adopted Cedar privately (not through an agency) and with the assistance of an adoption consultant that reached out to me via my blog. Her name is Tammy and she is a dear soul and had been reading my blog for a few years. Tammy has been in the adoption industry for quite some time and her inspiration to support this walk of life came from her own experiences. She personally has been through many different layers on her journey: placing as a birth mom, (in)fertility, pregnancy through IVF and adopting a child. Because of her empathy for all parts of this journey, she is able to support and guide her birth moms and adoptive couples in such a kind and compassionate way.

A few years ago, when I mentioned on my blog that Boho Boy and I were beginning to dip our toes into the idea of building our family through adoption, she quickly emailed me. She had been waiting for me to open up that door, rather than forcing it upon me (love that about her). Her and I became friends and when all was aligned, she guided us to the most perfect birth parents for our family, which lead us to adopting our son, Cedar. We are forever grateful for how we all found one another through this medium.

I am sharing this because Tammy has just reached out to me inquiring whether or not there is a couple reading my blog that are feeling guided towards building their family through adoption.

Tammy has a potential situation with a birth mother due to deliver late July. The baby will be full Hispanic and the cost will be approximately $20,000.00, which is average for a domestic adoption. The birth mother is in good health; no drugs, alcohol, or mental illness. She has 4 other children and seems extremely committed to placing for some very specific reasons that Tammy will share with the couples interested. Tammy feels it is highly unlikely that this birth mother will not place due to these reasons. With all adoptions, obviously there are no guarantees whether or not the birth mother will change her mind and that is the hardest part, but Tammy has a good feeling about her reasons for placement. It would be a semi-open adoption (no identifying info or visits) and the birth father is in full agreement.

If any of you, my dear readers, feel a pull and would like to talk with Tammy about this, please email me at denise (at) bohophoto.com and I will forward Tammy’s email onto you to get a hold of her.

In the near future, I will be working with Tammy to refer couples that are reading my blog to her website (which is in the process of being designed) since so many in the past have reached out to me inquiring about our private adoption process. I am doing a blog post this time, as this is very immediate and I wanted to do what I could to help. Thank you all.

self portrait

So many things are shifting within me. I’ve been dancing and wrestling and courting voices within. Some really gentle and nourishing and some harsh to the bone and not at all serving my soul.

Today I did something I haven’t done in a long time. I walked around naked while Cedar was napping. The weather is a dry hot here. The Santa Ana winds are blowing. I am a Kapha and the heat can at times feel oppressive and bring to surface emotions that run deep. I feel suffocated when the weather gets like this. Trapped underneath many layers of dessert sand.

When walking around naked, as much as I could feel the slightest breeze on my skin through the windows, I could also hear the harsher voices sing. They told me to pay attention to my thighs rubbing together or my bum drifting from side to side or when I would twist to grab something off the counter, they let it be known that the extra rolls on my back felt more prominent. I felt exasperated that I couldn’t even enjoy this moment of pure naked freedom in my home. I yelled out and told them to shut the eff up and fought for my sanity. I sat down in front of a mirror and asked my body what it needed to feel loved. I gazed longer at those bits I turn away from in the mirror when getting out of the shower. I gazed and I sent those hills and valleys love. The dimples and the rolls and the bumps. I felt my whole being soften. I felt more forgiveness and deeper into the present but I didn’t feel sexy.

I know I’ve shared this quite a bit but I have wanted so badly to feel sexy the way I used to before (in)fertility came into my life. I have blocks. Walls. I feel guarded at times with my husband. I feel stripped down and raw and sometimes, not as feminine as I used to. Its not his fault. He’s so brilliant at trying to remind me but its just me and those voices and the hurt and confusion that this journey brought with it. I have work to do here. Whether it means seeing a therapist or just being aware of these emotions. Staying true to them. Staying honest and carving out time like I did today, to love on my body. Because in the end, my husband could bow down at my feet and tell me I am the sexiest woman he’s ever made love to but it is me that needs to believe it. It is me that needs to love myself and celebrate my walk on this earth as a woman and embrace those curves and shifts and gray hairs on my head and lines on my eyes. Sometimes it is easier to be gentle when walking around with fabric covering your curves…but when peeled down and completely vulnerable with nothing but my skin, it needs some special nurturing.

So, I laid down on the bed in my loft and took some photos of my body. Not for him but for me. The way I used to when I felt so deeply connected to my curves. Sometimes I laughed at myself. Sometimes I cried with myself.

This is a movement in the direction of healing for me. Reconnecting with my curves after years of (in)fertility and the depression and treatments that added weight to my body and soul. Remembering that I am still a sexual being that is feminine and desired. Accepting the wider sway of my hips and bosoms the way I do when I lust after other curvier women.

This is an act of being gentler on myself and learning to love me all over again.