Boho Girl

cedar and his bottle latte, taken with phone

Yesterday late afternoon we took a drive in the rain about 30 minutes north of us to the Pannikin Coffee & Tea House. Its a precious yellow and white trimmed railroad station built in 1888 and was transformed into a cafe in 1968. There is such a cool vibe there. Really relaxed and open and inspiring. Customers and Barista’s are so kind to little ones. There is a darling store inside (you can see it in this photo behind Cedar) with lovely mugs and tea cups and jars, frames, books, European candies and a plethora of mouth watering loose teas to choose from. There is always art from local artists hung up on the wall. They switch it out often. Spreading the love. The stairways and floor and railings are thick, old and weathered wood.

This place attracts warm hearts. Many approached us yesterday, talking with Cedar and offering him smiles. The Pannikin is very dear to us. Special things just seem to happen here. I have met up with some blog friends for the first time in this place. I have gone alone and written in my journal for hours about my fertility journey, as the sea winds whistled through the open doors and windows. I ate a delicious salad on the porch with my marmie here. I remember lots of giggling with her. There is one memory that really draws us back to this place. Boho Boy and I were sitting on the very bench against the front window you see in the photo above. It was a lazy weekend day. Late morning. We were just finishing up our breakfast when we received a call from his mother that his father had just passed away. In shock, we walked out to the car and I held Boho Boy for a while. We then walked down to Swami’s Beach and sat up against a wooden stairway down in the sand. We told stories about his father. We laughed and we cried and we felt his presence with us the whole day. Since then, we gravitate towards that bench. I think we both subconsciously feel him with us. Like he is waiting there with his journal and a cigar and his stories. Oh those adventurous stories about his life.

Yesterday, when we were there, Boho Boy found a Canadian coin on the bench. We’ve wondered what kind of sign this was and if it was from his father and what he may have been trying to tell us. We’ve had fun with it.

What do you think it means?

Edited to add:: CONGRATS CANADA!!! This photo was taken seconds after the Canadian Olympic Hockey team won their gold. Such a fun game! Woohoo! Seeing Boho Boy so happy fills me up…

{boho baby & boho boy, taken with phone}

my darling mcscruffy…celebrating.

oh canada!

cedar, me and a bundle of sage, taken by jessamyn turgesen

Jess sent me this photo (above) last night. I was so grateful that she captured this moment. There were a few really magical moments and one of them had to do with this bundle of sage.

Jess and I were walking down Newport Avenue in Ocean Beach. Folks were beginning to set up for Farmers Market. One sweet hippie dude was setting out all of his gorgeous big and small bundles of sage. When we walked by his table, one of them fell on my foot. He grabbed it, looked up at me and said “I want you to have this. It is supposed to be yours.” My heart swooned and I felt protected. Jess and I looked at one another and sighed, without words…but just in knowing.

We went into a cafe to get water and go to the restroom. There were these ladies standing there staring at us. One of them approached me asking if she could take a photo of me. She went on to explain they are producers on a crime show that has been shot here in Ocean Beach. One of the characters was a psychic and they are trying to figure out her wardrobe. They thought what I was wearing was hippie and psychic enough, I suppose. We totally laughed but I let them do it because well, it was fun and magical and doesn’t happen every day.

Ocean Beach can attract some characters. Many homeless hang out there. Many come with their instruments to play. Some stand on a corner to speak what is in their hearts. To some it may seem like an unsafe place but walking around that day, Jess and I felt at home. We walked by three people sitting on the ground. A few were playing their guitars. One was weaving a bracelet out of ribbon. All of them had dreadlocks and one of them had flowers all over her dreads. They said hello to us and said…“hey, make sure you guys move your car, otherwise you’ll get towed for the farmers market.” I told them we had already moved our car and thanked them for looking out for us. To me that was so kind. Sweet that they remembered us parking further down the street in the market zone. An hour earlier, they were all sitting in front of a store that Jess, Cedar and I went into. Playing their music. I saw them but didn’t think they saw us. But they did and they found us again closer to the water and cared enough to make sure we were safe from stress. They could have let us walk by. Minutes later, Jess took the photo above. The smile on my face was that of peace. Just a knowing that we are cared for. We are wrapped up even in the dirtiest, most grungy places. There is love. One love.

Here are a few more photos Jess took on the beach. The one of me and the sun flare was when I was helping Cedar walk in the sand. He loved it. Loved it so much he plopped down and licked it off of his hands clean.

I loved how my dreads felt in the salty sandy air. I think dreads belong in nature, always…I have learned this.

Something very special happened today in the Boho home and I actually managed to get it on my Flip camera. Cedar has been all about pulling himself up and standing and squealing with delight but he has yet to take steps without the help of mommy and daddy. This was his first time doing it solo…with the help of Pinky the Snail…something we found on clearance after Christmas. I know he’s a boy and this is pink but we’ve never been caught up in gender specific colors or toys for him. Anyways, here he is…taking his first few steps without us holding him up.

He’s so excited and stunned all at once! We’ve never pressured him to crawl or walk. He was always happy to just sit there with his books and flip for hours. A few folks have told us he was a late crawler (started at 11 months) and they now seem a wee surprised that a baby his size and age is not yet walking. Then there are the gentle, open minded ones that tell me every child has their own pace and that it is clear he’s a smarty and not to be concerned. So I have chosen to not be concerned and just follow his lead. His brains and soul have always blown our mind. So, it has been so amazing to see his physical movement over the past few months. It seems to be happening so quickly and our baby that was so keen on sitting and reading is now climbing and standing and almost walking and has endless amounts of energy and a daring sense of adventure.

Wanted to share today with you. Its just a snippet but a peek into our world, nonetheless.

I’m upstairs in the loft while Cedar is napping. Me and the wide screen hanging out for a few minutes. I am drinking my second cup of yerba mate today. Creamed up with vanilla rice milk and agave nectar. Most of you know this is my drink. This is my morning nectar and today it is my afternoon nectar. A moment ago, I sat back in my chair, just gazing at the steam moving upwards passed the lip of the mug. The only sound I could hear was the hum of the baby monitor. The slight buzz of the ionizer inside where Cedar is sleeping.

I am in that realm of welcoming this space from him but also missing his enchanting spirit. I am also recognizing that he needs space too. Sometimes he loves to just hang out in his crib. Flipping through a book or playing with his stuffed puppy or standing up and holding onto the bars, dancing and making himself laugh. I remember my sister once telling me “babies need their space too…just like we do. don’t be afraid to give it to him when you sense it.” I hear her voice whispering those words a lot. Cedar does like his alone time. Its a beautiful thing to witness. This separateness that he is beginning to embrace. It makes those moments when he needs me that much sweeter. When he leans towards me to hold him or lifts his arms up for me to carry him or crawls over to me, stands up with the help of my knees and lays his head on my lap. Lately its a dance between really needing me and really craving independence. I thought this would be really hard for me, this shift…but I am finding myself resonating so much with him. I have always needed my alone time. That balance between needing touch and needing space. So I get it and respect it and marvel that he is so in touch with himself.

Last night Boho Boy and I were talking about all of these new shifts that are happening with him. How he’s gaining confidence in his personality, his wit and his ability to commune with us. We are almost convinced he is going to be the funny dude. He spends much of his time trying to make us laugh. In this really intelligent, almost adult way. I am quite used to this, really. Boho Boy is so naturally witty. Within minutes of first meeting him, I was bent over in pure gut laughter. I’ve always told him he could have been a stand up comic or an actor of sorts. He always nods his head. He knows this but he has chosen to share his wit sparingly, surprisingly and at just the perfect moments, surrounded by people that are perhaps shocked by it. My mother would tell you I am really funny but I am not sure if a lot of people see me this way. Especially in this space. I think people assume I am always so serious and emotional and ever tender. Which, is true…but I do have a side to me that is comical. I suppose it is reserved for those moments when all is aligned and I am feeling secure and clear and damn tired of feeling blue. So, perhaps Cedar has picked up on this energy. The obvious energies and the ones in between. Or perhaps when he was a spirit baby floating around us before he came into this world, that he was the clown out of all the spirit babies and knew this was the house where we would let him shine and spread his wings and let loose and crack us up.

I am just really in love with him. Not just because he is my son and because his journey to us was just so fricken wild and whirly and life altering. I love him because he’s really fun to be around. I enjoy his company. I want to be inside of his mind and his soul because there is just so, so much there…in his eyes, in his movement, in his pauses, his wide baby tooth smiles and in his serious, lingering gazes. I feel I have known his soul for lifetimes. Sometimes when I gaze in his eyes, it feels so familiar, like…“oh, hello again…its you.” You know what I mean? There are few people in my life where this soul recognition has happened and he is one of them.

This morning I brought him into bed with me when he woke up. Daddy was in the shower, so it was just me and him. He sat up and immediately pointed to the firefly lights hung across our wall. “Yes, fireflies!” I said and then I asked...”Can we just cuddle a bit more?” I could tell he was in a joyful mood and wanted to get right to business out in our bright sunny living room. But after he saw the look on my face he plopped his whole body onto my chest and wiggled his nose into my neck and stroked my arm for a while. I held him close and took deep breaths, marinating in our limbs intertwined. Just when I was about to shed a tear, I felt his chubby finger reaching for my nostril. He then stuck it in slowly and I gasped and he lifted his head up and we looked at one another. He had a huge smile on his face and then giggled into my chest. And this was how we begun our day. Our separateness and togetherness.

photo of becky caldwell, owner of The Gritty Bird

jimmy, stacy, bella wish & baby in belly.

mccabe, jess & stacy at moonlight beach.

painting rocks by the sea.

me, stacy, jess, jenica & mccabe, taken by jenica’s man.

schmoopy & me.

my painted hand & dreads, taken by stacy

jessamyn, gentle spirit braided goddess, canon 50d

jess at ocean beach.

jess & the sun.

cedar & jess…seeing one another.

Over the last 7 days I have…

Discovered a silver lake in the middle of a city.
Felt a baby girl’s toes dancing through the belly of her mama.
Chatted with a stranger in a gorgeous cafe about my son’s funny toes.
Slept under star lights.
Felt my tongue burst with the flavors of lamb and fruit infused with friendship.
Witnessed my son hold drumsticks and emulate the rhythm of a heartful drummer.
Sighed at the vision of a curly headed beauty twirl her mama’s hair for comfort.
Gathered with women carrying hearts as large as the ocean in their bosoms.
Painted rocks by the sea and broke bread in what felt like Italy with these women.
Curled up on the couch with a soulful mirror.
Dug deep and peeled and felt soothed all at once.
Allowed an untying of knotted up fear that was so tightly wound in my belly.
Walked in the moonlight, near crashing waves, spilling love of photography.
Laughed when we wanted to cry.
Cried when we wanted to laugh.
Laughed and cried simultaneously.
Giggled at my son licking sand off of his hands. Over and over.
Marveled at 3 dread goddesses/gods playing guitar on the sidewalk with flowers in their hair.
Observed my son feeling as safe as I did with this gentle soul.
Felt so grateful that my husband knew what my friend needed.
Ate a lot of avocados.
Collaborated on a creative-heart-soul-purposeful vision with a kindred sister in Ireland.

Ohhhh…I feel so alive and true and in touch and closer to me.