Boho Girl

Remember 5 years ago…your and Boho's dreams about becoming parents….of walking along the beach holding your little son….mmmmmm….you are busy LIVING your dreams….

you are enough.

so very very very very very enough…teehee…big hug xx

Oh honey, I relate to so much of this. Just know you are doing more than enough and are doing the most important job of all… and doing it extremely well. I say this for both of us.

Just like Linni says, you are busy *living* your dreams. The dream you held onto for so long of holding a baby and walking with him on a beach. There is *nothing* more important than the work you are doing right now… and that little boy in all these photos.

Your creative pursuits will happen… when they happen. This moment in time, with your baby, is exactly where you need to be now as it goes by so quickly.

love you big.
xo

denise, thank you for sharing this… i am sitting next to my sweet girl in the ER waiting for surgery for appendicitis.. all i am thinking of is what i could have done… how can i protect her, all those "what ifs"… i came here to sit with you, in this virutal living room to distract myself.. this post and your wise and sweet words are helping me remain in the moment and be gentle with myself… this space you have created here is such a comfort, in so many ways. thank you for being so bold and raw and real.
namaste and blessings onto you and your boho boys.

I have been proud to witness your mothering pace…

it is loving
it is gentle
it is thoughtful
and he is an amazing part of you

I Cor. ch 13 says to think on these things…you are DOing these things…not just thinkin

love you so much
big sis d
xoxo

i love your blog, but have never commented… but i had to say thank you for these sweet thoughts. as i stared at my messy kitchen floor and felt overwhelmed by all i had to do and all i wanted to do, it was nice to hear a reminder to be gentle and that raising sweet little ones is plenty enough… thank you. your perspective is wonderful…

this made me so very teary.

i am not a mother. or a wife. but i am a twenty-something, freshly graduated from college last year and trying to find my own pace in this very fast and whirlwind of a world. i am such a creative dreamer, i have been my whole life… and i have a list of dreams a mile long that i am longing to accomplish! i am trying to figure out how to balance my social life, my family life, my dreams, my creativity… and trying to figure out what path to take first. and it's a little overwhelming. i feel like i'm not doing going fast enough or doing enough or being enough. my brain is constantly going a million miles a minute, swirling and turning with ideas and hopes and goals and stories. and i can be so hard on myself sometimes. and your post reminded me that however i choose to accomplish a goal, however i choose to make a dream come true… whether i do it tomorrow or in a year… that is perfectly fine. this is my life. my wants, dreams, hopes, goals. this is my story. and however it is written… it is beautiful.

thank you for your gorgeous words, they always lift me up in some way. you are such a special, beautiful, dreamy soul.

Motherhood can be so much cheerio sweeping, pen-cap finding, nose wiping, carseat buckling…it is easy to miss former, more creative periods. Sometimes I find myself fantasizing about the writing I'll be able to do when both my kids are in school…but then I will probably fantasize about when I had those snuggly bodies by my side all day. Such a push pull, this amazing motherhood.
You are doing a marvelous job.

Oh sister…it is just a layer of your old life peeling off to make room for your new life…and yes, it is a tender process…the balance of self and child it one that is constantly changing and challenging…no matter where are you at with that balance know that you are indeed enough…more than enough.
I have been where you are today and, of course, will be there again….when I am where you are I remind myself that my children are only with me for a season…it helps me keep perspective.
Much love and light to you today!

The photo is BEAUTIFFFFFFFUL darling – the hair, the coat, the sunlight shining down on yourself and your son……xx

A friend who thought I would relate to your story recently directed me to your blog. I've so enjoyed your writing style and hear a little bit of my voice in here sometimes. My husband and I have been trying for a baby for over a year now and have experienced two miscarriages. I will probably email you more of my story and why I love your blog later… my point is I really loved this post. I've been learning so much lately that I have to be content with my own path, that my story is unique and won't look like those around me (every one – and I mean EVERY one – of our friends has gotten pregnant and given birth to healthy little ones in the last year.) and I have to be patient with my own grieving. I've had to adjust my questions from "why" to "to what end?" How will God use my hurts to bless and nurture women around me? How will this season refine me, grow our marriage? It's okay if your pace is unique. These are good words. Thank you for sharing.

As far as a creative career and parenting goes–there will be these days. You'll notice as your wee Cedar spends more time away from you (other caregivers, preschool etc) you'll be amazed at the things you can accomplish in 3 hours. And then there will be those days (like today, obviously) where you just melt into a puddle and feel useless. It makes those other productive amazing days all the more special. This just means you're in the flow, Denise.
You have been putting so much energy into mommyhood, the melting days keep you a vibrant creative soul, rather than an obsessive, super-woman overacheiver headed for a crash.

I have been reading your journal for sometime and have a son a month or so older than cedar and can relate so much to this post.I have a constant struggle with wanting to do SOMETHING but I have to sit back and see what I AM doing. Raising a child is a huge accomplishment and we have had the joy and honor to do so. Enjoy everything that is now. Thanks for your honesty, it makes me not feel so alone

i so appreciate the thoughts and feelings you shared in this post! you are so generous with your love and your learnings.

i've been having my own fair share of "not-enough-ness" feelings these days. been busier than my soul likes to be for quite a spell longer than i have wanted to be, and i don't see it letting up soon. i have felt like a hamster cranking on the wheel, when my soul really wants to be a seagull spreading her wings and floating over the beautiful, deep blue ocean in peace and quiet and thoughtfulness.

I so relate to this, as I am on the verge of derailing (or at least seriously downshifting) my career as an attorney in order to spend more time with my baby. Some of my friends are having a hard time with my choice and at times I do too–as much as anything, I worry that I'm not more conflicted about it! Am I betraying the generations of women who fought to get a foothold in the workplace, and the ones at my firm who are working so hard even as they raise children? I hope not. Like you I waited a long time to have my little guy and I what I want most in the world is to marinate in his presence (as you might say!).

In my world you are more then enough… I look at you and compare myself and feel I am not enough.

I have felt so often in reading along here, that we share such similar stories….seeming to travel very similar paths. Reading today's post, another uh huh came from within. My little dude is now eight and I struggled every year with that inner push…a deep need to be a present earthy nurturing mama, seemed to run alongside a creative longing to share my perspective, through my photography and writing. I always very quickly came to the realization like you, that mama was truly where I wanted to be most…..and NEEDED to be. And I had faith one day, those creative urges would serve me well, when I wasn't needed quite so much. Gulp.

You are such a wise mama, and have already figured out your pace, and seem so zen in following it. You will most likely forget a few more times, why you can't do and be everything all at once, in the magical way you so like to do things….and be reminded again. Most likely by Cedar himself. These wise little magical souls are so connected to their mamas and have a natural abilitiy to keep us close….thank Goodness! We are exactly where we need to be….

I think it's so worth sharing that when I began reading your blog, I had a wee one and I was immersed in baby and at times needed to get out into the bigger world, around creative souls , and so I stopped here for that. It was my outing, in a way. And now, I am a working artist that stops by here to get filled up with your yummy mama stories, that remind me so much of my own memories and feelings. I love this web world and the good that coms from souls sharing their stories….thank you:)

What a beautiful revelation. It seems that you are so at peace with yourself, in the midst of all the chaos and striving and hoping. But it's clear to everyone who reads this post that your contribution to the world is wonderful and that's why we visit here everyday, to grasp a little bit more, because it's never enough for us. So, Denise, thank you for your creations, thank you for your words, and thank you for being such an inspiring mother. It affects us all, and we love everything you provide. Thank you.

Thank you for this~

i just wanted to say that i think every mother can relate to what you said here.
i sure can, and this is my mantra:
every choice to do something is a choice not to do something else.
every book i read to my little ones, is a moment i do not spend devoted to my art, my house, my whatever. but it IS important and finite. they will only be little but a blip in time, and that time will never come back. so, yes, it IS enough! <3

it's weird how i read your blog and connect so much with your words. i know life is busy so we will probably never get the opportunity to really engage one another or converse…but i want you to know i will continue to read because of the way your words and images heal me. thank you for being so courageous to put yourself out there.

i like you.

Like a lot of other people, I can really relate to this. I constantly compare myself to others, and no matter what, I come up short. I hope that at some point I'm able to channel some of your positive energy and forgive myself for just being me!

The most important thing is to live your life for you, authentically, creatively, and gently. You seem to have found the perfect balance.

I don't wish the feelings of a day like this on anyone, but it is so comforting to hear that others besides "just me" have such moments. Today I drew an "inner peace" card from a deck I have and maybe this message resonates – it did for me:

"I release the need to determine how things 'should' be."

-Bridget

One day at a time…

I'm not a mum…but I needed to hear this today….OH I NEEDED THIS. Thank you my dear.

"When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, "I used everything you gave me." ~Erma Bombeck

I think she meant more than her creative talent….You are right where you are supposed to be.

It definitely IS ok. The worst things we mothers do is compare ourselves to other mothers – who are probably secretly comparing themselves to us! We ALL have to give ourselves a break, and just do the best we can. Easy to say – hard to do (the giving ourselves a break part, I mean).

I needed to hear this today, too — to soak in the truth that we each of us have our own pace and that we don't need to mimic another's.

I've been feeling that not-enough-ness lately. When I consider what I accomplish during day day, and then considering how much more I wanted to do, I get angry and frustrated. Feeling not enough.

You tell me today: it is okay.

And for today, that will be enough. That will be plenty.

Blessings and peace to you. Breathe in, breathe out, and lean to the curve of your living.

Your pure soul is an inspiration to me Denise.
Have a happy and long life with all your lovelies around you.
Love you.
Görkem from Cyprus.

denise – I hear you sister! but — don't underestimate the power of these moments of being a mama in terms of how it is actually nurturing you and infusing you huge benefits that you can carry with you when you are ready to create. being with our babes – in that amazing one on one focused way – beats out the value of any yoga/ meditation class you can take. i was giving myself a hard time for not having space in my life to do things like my daily meditation practice…and then i realized – wow, rocking jonah to sleep – breathing with him, staying present with him, is beyond any meditation experience i have had and nurturing me in so many ways too. it is actually making my baby free times even more creative and special! when you are connected with him, strolling with him, reading to him, cooking for him –know that you are nourishing your own self – in the way a meditation or yoga class can – and you will feel the benefits in your body and spirit and it will help fuel your creative times……xoxo deb

wow! I am exactly in that place. Wanting to work on my creative dreams, but not able to like I want, as I'm adoptive mom to a 2 year old now, and soon to be adopting a baby. I keep telling myself there's a time and a place, and I can be content raising my boys.

Your words are my feelings written down.

well, you've clearly touched a nerve here! It always seems that others are doing more, better, quicker, and yet, more often than not, they are thinking the same about us. I read something the other day about how parenting is so hard because we don't see the results for such a long time, but we are preparing our tinies for living the best life they are able, and that is such a work. The urge to create will always be there, but again, I know of others who have been in your situation who, with the benefit of hindsight, say that although it was agonising at the time the perspective and insight that raising a child gave them, made them into the true artist they became. As others have mentioned, this, probably more than any other is the time you are most in demand as a mother (I personally think toddlers are more work than tinies, who at least sleep for considerable periods in the day), and this too shall pass, and the balance will swing back as Cedar grows, plays more independently, attends school etc. All will come eventually, although some days it's hard to see that, and that is why it is so lovely to read of someone else's (your) feelings, so clearly and thoughtfully expressed, sometimes it's just good to know that we aren't the only one who feels that way, and judging by the number of comments, it's clear that is not the case!

I understand this so much and I honor your perfect pace.

i wonder if there is somehting UP in the universe because this is really up for me, too, today especially. i even wrote about these creative women with sweet hubbies and adorable children in my journal this morning, feeling a ehartache of not feeling like my life is enough without being a mother. i ahve been with my sweet hubby for ten eyars now and have never been pregnant. never. 8 women at my work are preganat right now. i stayed home today to lick my wounds just unable to bear the thought of the office baby shower. i wish them all well but it aches and it stings and it seems so easy for them all. i am tired. tired of wishing and starting to feel like it will enver happen for me. starting to really doubt it will. wondering how else i will make meaning of my life, center it, organize it, live it. i try to rememebr that as we look to other women to compare ourselves and see our own lack, so do other women look to us and imagine their own perceived lacks. i have a hosue , i ahve a sweet man. i am employed, educated, have friends. why do i look at the hole and not the doughnut? why do we do this girl on girl crime? why do we compare and compete? i jsut know i feel less than today. less than and not good enough. and i am in a deprivation state and then feel guilty for feelign liek this when i know in my frontal lobes that we ahve so much. am i suppsoed to give up now that i am turning 40 and create a new vision for my life? is it really going to be a life where i dont have children? where it is the two of us? i dont know how to be at peace or happy and i am sad. i am grateful for what i do have but i am staring at the hole and the doughnut is nowhere to be found. thank you for this post. it jsut nailed somehting in so many of us, it resonates and i feel it vibrating in my soul and guts and tummy. i fill the empty space in my womb with chocolate and i make uterine fibroids and i buy too much crap online to fill the empty space. do i elarn to live without being a mother? how? or can i trust that it will happen in some way for us? i pray for peace either way. i was on maganda today to inspire myself creatively and to get off my own sadness. i stayed home from work to avoid the baby shower and to find some creative inspiration and she talekd about her sweet baby and then that she will be at squam at the pixie session. i went to squam to sign up and read that it was for families only and i burst into tears. so i think this is up for many many of us, mothers or not. i pray for every single one of us to find grace in our pace. the pace of grace. i am slowing down. it is ok. it is ok to need rest and breaks and magic.

Denise, days like this just comes. To all of us. So i am sending love to you all the way from Czech Republic. Because being sure we are loved is the most important thing during days which are not all sunny in our souls. I am 27, still not done with school, single and with a big dream, in my heart sure that my life journey wants me to live in usa and be an artist i cannot be at home. It is hard to even get a working visa for me, but i believe it will happen. I know God just put this passion to my heart to make it true, not to make me sad by an unreal dream.
Most of my friends are married, have babies and kids and I long for being a mother so much, but not even have boyfriend right now. But reading your blog is like a soul refreshment. Looking at your picture holding your beautiful little boy just gives me peace, i am not worried any more. I will have a husband, i will have kids, i will be an artist living in USA. Just in my time, not time others think it is the right one for me.
Thanks for your honesty and for little drops of your soul you share with world.

I think feeling is so common in women, wives, & mothers…we are doing all we can, but never feel like it is "enough". Even though in reality what we are doing is amazing!
You need to print this picture, tape it to your mirror, and write the words "enough" underneath it to remind yourself every single day. Because what seems clear one moment is often blurry just a few seconds later.