Boho Girl

stephanie’s window at her home, canon 50d

A dear sister soul reached out to me today, telling me that she notices a shift in my energy lately. The tone behind her words held concern. I have indeed been quieter than usual.

This is what I said…

“yes, i am going through some shifts in my energy but it is all good things. good, pure and whole things. opening up to what truly truly serves me and what i have hoped would serve me but doesn’t and what i know has always never served me but let stick around.” ; )

I took a deep breath when finishing that email and realized how much clarity those words carried in my being.

So this is where my heart is right now.

myriam & the moon, photo by andrea scher

I do not know Myriam deeply but a few of my friends walk by her side. Myriam and I have exchanged a few poetic emails and when Cedar was born, she sent him a most precious shirt which ended up suiting his spirit so. Therefor, I feel connected enough to feel perfectly comfortable traveling with her in her pocket as she ventures off to do something radically amazing in Haiti. But since I am unable to do that, one way I can be with her in spirit is to support her during this journey.

A few friends of mine, received this letter from Myriam following the earthquake:

“Hello Loves,

I have been trying to write this email to you most of this day. I don’t know what to write about this devastation happening to our sisters and brothers on that tiny island. I do have family in Haiti, aunts, uncles etc. As of yet, we are not able to make contact….”
Shortly after that they received another letter….
“As of today:

In speaking with family, funding is the most vital. Some are thinking beyond the disaster recovery to rebuilding homes, schools and churches……”

With our help, Myriam will be going to Haiti in March to bring joy and hope back to her community. You can read more about her deep connection to Haiti, her plans and how to donate here.

This is one way we can help and keep up with her progress and lift up and pray for her enormous generous heart.
Myriam…you move mountains.

tree blossoms at squam, canon 50d

What nourishes you?

where i sit, taken with phone

I am sitting here at a coffee shop down the street from our home. This is the first time I have been on the Internet in three full days. At home our Internet/Cable/Phone is all interconnected. If one is down, all is down and that is how it has been at our home the last three days. I have been completely disconnected and it has felt very odd. It has actually brought some feelings to surface about my priorities and how much energy I devote to a virtual world.

I came home from Cedar’s doc appointment a few minutes ago and as I walked through the door with him on my hip, Boho Boy greets us with these precious words: “Honey, why don’t you go to a coffee shop for a few hours?”. I am not sure why that thought hadn’t occurred to me. That I could connect here with a steaming cup of joe. In fact, a few weeks ago, we even talked about me doing this at least three nights a week to work on my e-course. Time has just slipped by and life just feels selfless these days. So, I am sitting here selfishly and loving every minute of it. Thank you, Boho Boy, for reminding me what I need.

So, what you see in this poorly processed photo above taken with my phone, is exactly where I sit. You might see some splashes of baby food near the keys. Nice. I decided not to Photoshop those out. This is my life.

In fact, I went to Cedar’s doctor today and afterwards realized I had his avocado bits in some of my dreads. Nice again. I took him to the doc because he’s been tugging on both ears…and at times slapping them. It has seemed a bit aggressive compared to his usual soft rubbing he does on his lobes. Something he has done to sooth himself to sleep since birth. I had a feeling he was tugging hard because of teething, but I wanted to be sure we weren’t missing an ear infection. I know some babies have them without getting a fever, although that is rare. Anyways, while Cedar charmed his gorgeous blond beauty of a doc, we discovered he just had a bit of fluid in his ears. All from teething and completely normal. So, he will be sleeping a bit elevated for a few days.

Ahhhh…Rosie Thomas is singing throughout the cafe. Oh how her melodies bring back such sweet memories of when I first started blogging.

I have no idea when our Internet will start working. Something about a gigantic outage in our area. Part of me likes it this way. The first day I found myself sitting on the couch when Cedar was napping and wondering what the heck I am going to do with myself since the house was clean and laundry was done. It made me realize that entering into the virtual world is a bit of an addiction. I know many of you are rolling your eyes and telling me “of course it is!” as you too inhale a big puff of these words on my blog. ; ) We are all hopelessly addicted. Or perhaps there are some out there that could completely do without but not most of the lovelies in my world. This is how we all stay connected: Blogs, Emails, Comments, Skype, etc.

I tried to imagine trying on another life for a while. What if we moved to the country, not too far from a cafe with wireless. What if rather than blogging and emailing that I spent those spare hours of my day gardening (both veggies and flowers) and sewing cute organic clothes and taking a belly dance class and writing my book and actually opening myself up to meet up with friends that live near me? What if I spent those spare hours talking on the phone with my far away family and friends. A phone date per day? Just so many things I could be putting my energy towards. It would definitely be a life of looking within for inspiration rather than looking at so many others and gathering inspiration from them.

That is when that still small gentle voice whispers…“but there are so many blessings.” And there are. I have met some of my most kindred spirits in this virtual world. Even though I don’t know what the inside of their house looks like, through their words, I quickly learned the inside of their hearts. There is something about blog relationships that feel quicker and more intensely deep because what we do in these spaces is spill without boundaries that we tend to carry around in the real world. It also offers me a space to discover and exercise my voice. A space to share my story so that others can gather nuggets of wisdom and to not feel alone. And as I shared earlier, it is dripping with inspiration.

So as this blog post comes to an end, I realize I do not have the answers yet. In fact, as I am disconnected at home from the Internet and media, I feel even more confused about any resolution on what serves me most: Being disconnected or connected.

I wonder if many of you feel the same…

me right now, taken with phone.

Here is a kiss for all of you. It is me, snuggling up in the blanket my sis made for Cedar. This is me post long luxurious bath. I never find the time to take baths any more. Well, that’s not true…I do take one with Cedar but that’s different. That’s not luxurious. That is full of splashing and playing with bath toy friends and feeling nervous he will slip under the water, so I am holding him tight the whole time (part of our shower door is stuck, so I can’t kneel on the floor to wash him, I have to get right in). Luxurious to me means baby is napping. Husband is upstairs working and I have nowhere else to be. It means face scrubs and masks and closing my eyes and dreaming until my skin gets pruned. It means getting out and putting lotion on every orifice of my body. It means coming out to baby still napping and I get to rock in this chair and stare out the window and do more daydreaming. I rarely get this time. So you better believe I am marinating in it. Also wanted to share it with you.

I know I have been quiet the last few days. Like I said, I love storms and give me some thunder and lightening and I am a giddy little girl. We don’t get storms in these parts, so its been a treat for me. Storms give you the perfect excuse to light a fire, drink hot chocolate, read books, snuggle on the couch and cancel all of your plans. More storms, please.

Haiti has been in my heart. I watched the fundraiser show for them last night. Pretty amazed at how fast some of these Hollywood peeps have written songs in a matter of days. Some were extremely moving. I am not completely into Beyonce but hers moved me. Especially with the image of a halo over Haiti. I smiled when they let us listen in on some of the donation lines, when someone would chat with a celebrity. “Oh hey Steven Spielberg, what up?” I loved it even more that the topics remained focused on Haiti…and the Haitian families and children and all that is needed over there. I am hoping the topics didn’t veer off…“Oh, i loved you in that film…”…or…“I think you’re really hot.” You know? But if I did call and McSteamy answered the phone, it might be hard to not to sound like an idiot. ; ) If this happened before Cedar, I would definitely want to go out there. I know true skills are needed but besides photography (which might feel weird), I could be that person that comforts, that holds hands and strokes backs and listens and cries with them and helps wash their infants and braids their hair and puts their children to bed with a story of hope. Would those be considered skills? That is where my heart is and that is where I want to be other than snuggling close with my husband and son.

I also wanted to answer a few questions that were asked of me recently by quite a few of you. I am not sure if you go back to read the answers in my comments, so thought I’d do it here:

Question: “Will Cedar meet his bio sibling(s)?”
Answer: We are hoping so. They are with a beautiful family and we do have a connection to them via our adoption consultant/dear friend Tammy, although we are not in touch yet. I often dream of Cedar having close relationships with them in the future, throughout his life. There are a myriad of emotions surrounding this, with all involved, so it will take time and gentleness and comfort and openness and understanding and respect. I am praying, hoping we will all connect when the time feels right. Now that I have shared this with you, I may delve more into those emotions I am speaking of.

Question: “What do you use on your skin?”
Answer: Origins! All of their products are natural and paraben free and after a few years of trying to find the right fit…these products suit me perfectly. I made an appointment with one of their people at an Origins store nearby and they helped me find the products that were perfect for my skin. I use cleanser, toner, day and night moisturizers, face scrub, eye cream and a mask.

Question: “Where do you get your drawstring pants?”
Answer: Sweetgrass. I heart all of their hemp/bamboo pants (Vagabond & Artesian & Bamboo Cropped are my fave) and their long drawstring skirt. I wait for sales. Also, for a Christmas gift, my marmie bought me the Omgirl Nomad Pant and I looooove them. I also really dig Treehouse28′s wide leg pant.

Question: “How do you get that vintage/ethereal look to your photos?”
Answer: I tend to photograph my subjects with light behind them. I always use natural light…morning is my fave. I play and play and play with layers in Photoshop. I do sometimes use the ever so special Jesh de Rox‘s “Enlighten” actions and also a bit of Lily Blue’s actions. Then I play with the opacity in each layer to give it my personal style. I also sometimes bump up my ISO to give it a grainy/blurry look and over expose via the light meter for a washed out look. Other than that…I am not at all techie enough to tell you what else to do. ; )

Speaking of Treehouse28…we are doing a sponsor giveaway in a few days. So…keep looking!

{yes, i am wearing the same shirt in the last few photos. my sister told me that this color blue brightens my face. so what do i do? wear it every day. hee. this is my only shirt this color. everything else is so muted. perhaps i should wear brighter things…}

cedar & me, taken by boho boy with phone

We rarely get storms in these parts, so I am relishing, cocooning, snuggling up. Cedar is awe-struck with wind and rain. I actually hear him say the word “Wooowwwww….” when I take him outside.

This photo above was taken the last day of our cleanse. Sunshine before the clouds came in for the week.

I love storms. So much so that I had planned on naming my daughter Stormie if I ever had a girl. I have a pretty cool story about a dream I had once. I was in my mid twenties and not at all in the space of wanting to have children but I had a dream about me walking on the beach with this little girl. She was about 3 years old. She had blond ringlets and blue eyes and she was my daughter. I remember her running and then coming back to me and I swooped her up. When I woke up my face was wet. I was crying in the dream while holding her because the love I felt for her was so intense. At that time in my life, I didn’t understand the connection, the love between parents and children but in those moments, I fully grasped it. I was so sad for days after that dream. I missed her so. I walked the streets of Berkeley looking for her, subconsciously.

My sister Pam came to visit me for the weekend. We decided to go to Santa Cruz for the day. I debated whether to tell her about the dream. I waited until the long whindy drive home on HWY 17. I think it was the pull and magic of all the Redwood trees. I just spilled.

Since at that time, Pam was a mother of three babies, she grew misty eyed when I told her how much I missed that little girl. What she did next I will never forget. She said “why don’t we name her?” and we did and naming her gave me closure. We named her Stormie Winter.

Fast forward ten years and my husband and I are deeply wanting a child. We were just opening up to the idea of adoption and our adoption consultant sent us some photos of some previous children she had helped place for adoption. One photo was of this beautiful girl with blond ringlets and blue eyes. It was the girl in my dream. I gasped. Although I kept it to myself. It felt sacred…but it was that moment where my heart completely opened up to the idea of building our family through adoption. She was sent as a gift both in my dream years ago and now.

A few months later we were placed with the most perfect birth parents for us. I was shown a photo of their other child that was placed for adoption previous to Cedar. It was that same girl in the photo our adoption consultant showed me in the beginning of this process. It was the same girl in my dream years ago. It was Cedar’s bio sibling…in my dream.

And this is another reason why I love storms. They remind me of Stormie Winter…the sweet angel that guided me to our son and that I will always have a connection to.