Boho Girl

peace to you, canon 50d {gloves knitted for me by jonatha}

There is a very tender, vulnerable part of me that feels conscious of how the gushing and mushy posts about Squam may bring up tender emotions in those that didn’t attend this Fall. I know what it is to be on the other side, wishing you were there and feeling sad that you didn’t experience the connections, the classes, the woods that we are all spilling about in our posts or Facebook pages. Not necessarily about Squam for me because I have gone to both Fall sessions (but missed the Summer) but more so about other types of blog gatherings/retreats.

The beautiful nugget about Squam that keeps me sharing is that Squam is truly open to anyone who wants to go. That what I am sharing about, you can be a part of…even if it might take a few years to save money or to organize baby sitters or preserve vacation days from work, etc. It is possible for anyone to attend and I truly revel in the open arms vibe that Elizabeth created in regards to this retreat.

Its hard for me to be part of anything that surfaces hurtful emotions in anyone that comes to this space because I am a sensitive soul that wants everyone to feel loved and desired and important and relevant. So, my hope in sharing my stories in regards to these types of events or gatherings is to provide hope to each of you and the possibility that you can create this in your own life. Even if on a smaller scale (hooking up with bloggers close by, etc.).

What I have found in my years of blogging and meeting those I have connected with online, in person, is that the transition is quite seamless in most relationships. I believe that is because blog communities that are attracted to one another tend to be like minded spirits, “kindreds” so to speak that are interested in the same heartful things and we all end up having quite a bit in common.

So please know that when I post about my soulful times away with other bloggers, be it a retreat or just an intimate gathering of friends, know that there is a tender spot along with it for me. Feeling tender knowing that some of you may ache for these connections on a very deep level and that it might trigger certain emotions. I have been there before but it was when that light bulb came on that I can create it too and opened up my heart to it, that the magic started trickling in…bit by bit.

That might sound cliche, so let me explain. So much of that for me in the beginning was letting go of the trying to connect and just focusing on my own growth, my own journey (which at the time was fertility related) and it was then that the friends that came into my life were the ones that were either in a similar space or had been there before. I suppose in a nutshell, we attract what we are needing if we recognize what it is we need. I was needing women in my life that had gone through their own fertility journeys and those are the blogs I was reading and those were the women I firstly connected with. Then it just grew from there…to friends of friends of those bloggers that weren’t going through (in)fertility but were going through some type of grief and so much of it felt the same. Then it grew from there to women that were going through a healing, resurfacing or reclaiming of self and embracing the artist within and so on. Some of us have stayed connected through all the many layers and ever evolving paths.

All this to say that what I love about Squam is that it welcomes all of it. All journeys. All paths. All spirits…wherever you are. Even if you’re in a space where you don’t feel creative or artistic (someone asked me if Squam was just for seasoned artists, which it isn’t…its for all levels). It’s for you too. Its for all of us.

So, it feels good to be associated with something that holds a place for everyone and where all can feel a part of something so extraordinary and life altering.

And on a totally different note. I took this shot of Cedar yesterday and had to share it because it is the first shot I got of his two bottom teeth!

laughing with daddy, canon 50d

cedar, a month ago (9 months old), canon 50d

I deliver you cheeks to virtually chew on for your weekend.
This is why I don’t get a lot done. I chew…all. day. long.

photo by thea coughlin at squam art workshops

I get so many sweet endearing emails about dreamy dread heads to be…or already dreaded peeps asking me what product I put on my dreads or what my maintenance is. There are also these really cool dreadlock Flickr groups where we reach out to strangers and ask one another such things and support one another through this wild journey of knotted hair.

Yet there are some out there that don’t have blogs, Flickr or Facebook accounts and this is why I wanted to share my story here, for those folks and also for those that are closet dread heads where no one in your life has any idea you desire these locks for your own head. You’re that person working in an office with button up shirts and ties or Banana Republic suits but meanwhile you wish to walk in with knotted hair smelling like patchouli and lighting incense in your cubicle. ; ) Trust me…I was that girl once. This is for you too.

And for that darling anonymous commenter that continues to tell me on a weekly basis how boring and annoying my dread posts or dread photos are, need I remind you that this is my Dread Journey and this is my journal to which I share my life. Which means I will share about it here just like I shared my Fertility & Adoption journeys. That will include photos. Just like all the other dread head blogs I have been reading in the past. I longed for recent photos and details of their journeys. It helped inspire me and gave me strength and bravery for when I decided to take the leap. So, if it bores or annoys you, you might want to just stop reading because I will continue to do this with hopes to help others along the way the same way I was helped. I find those comments so odd (and I don’t give them an ounce of energy, really) because it would be like me going into your home, opening up your journal and telling you to write something different. Funny how we would never do that in person but in this public space, hiding under anonymity, people feel more free to spread their negative opinions about you.

And I suppose this opens up an opportunity for me to give a shout out to that other anonymous commenter that continues to tell me on a weekly basis that I am not paying enough attention to my husband as I always talk about Cedar and my relationship with my son. My husband and I actually giggle at these comments, mainly because there is a very good reason I keep him out of most of my posts. My husband now works in education with hundreds of teenagers (some of whom read my blog) and he is more comfy with me keeping most things private or else he will get teased or feel awkward and that’s not what I want to bring to my husband’s work life. People who know me both on this blog and beyond this blog (especially those reading for years), know that my connection to my husband is deep and romantic and crazy wild in love.

After years of writing a blog, I move through these oddities so much quicker than in the beginning. I am now moderating comments and deleting ones with negative, cruel energy as I want this space to always be a positive and safe space to land for all who come visit with kind intentions.

Okay, wiping hands of such things and moving onto dread goodies…

I wanted to post the most recent photo of my dreads taken last week at Squam by my frister Thea. I like how it is a close up and also shows what I am dealing with right now…”fly aways and fuzz!” At first I sort of freaked out about it. I was so used to the tightness of my dreads when they were first crocheted and I recall my dread stylist telling me “there will be a time when they begin to unravel and get fuzzy and it will be an adjustment period for you.”. Most clients that live close to her make an appointment when the unraveling begins if they so desire (some really dig the fuzz right away and don’t want it to be fixed). I don’t have that luxury since she is all the way in Portland, an airplane ride away for me. So, I am currently planning a maintenance appointment sometime in November when another dear blog friend is getting her dreads. We thought it would be fun to coordinate these appointments and make a girl-fest out of it.

This maintenance appointment will consist of her tightening my roots (because they’ve grown out a bit) and crocheting in the long pieces of fly away hairs that have completely come out and working back in the fuzz wherever I want it tucked in. All done with none other than a crochet hook (no products).

That’s the other thing…since I have crocheted dreads, I don’t use wax products like other dread heads do that used products/backcombing in the very beginning to create their dreads. The products I use are only made of essential oils, water and aloe vera gel. This is just my personal preference. Some really love the other way of creating locks.

I started using Dr. Bronners Lavender Castille Soap but what I noticed was that it left behind some residue and I started getting little soap flakes on my scalp and dreads. It also made my scalp more itchy. Not very sexy… at. all. This may not happen to others as my dread stylist LOVED Dr. Bronners but it didn’t work for me and the texture of my hair.

So, my husband ordered me some Dread Soap from Dread Head HQ and I love love love it. I notice that not only does it not leave behind residue but my dreads have felt tighter and cleaner.

To make my dreads feel soft and smelly good, I use the following essential oil sprays:

• Aura Cacia Aromatherapy Mist in Patchouli & Sweet Orange (got at Whole Foods)
• Knottyboy Peppermint Cooling Moisture Spray (for itchy scalp and dry dread relief)

My hubs also bought me Knottyboy Locksteady Dreadlock Tropical Tightening Gel. I have only used it on one dreadlock to test it and noticed a wee bit of a difference but wasn’t sure about how my dread felt a bit hard rather than soft. I may have put too much on. It says to use a teeny bit.

And just for fun…must show you the basket hat Boho Boy bought me for my birthday. It fits my dreads so well. That was one thing I missed at Squam, was a hat for my head when it was freezing in our cabin at night (hat didn’t arrive in time for my trip). It is the perfect hat to wear this Winter, dear dreadies. Here are a few more lovelies for your pretty heads as well.

This is where I have purchased some dread beads. Beads are so fun. I take them out when I shower but put them back on different dreads when I feel inspired. Some leave them in at all times. I like to change it up a bit. My husband bought some more gorgeous beads for me here.

For those of you that are just now coming to this space and wondering where I got my dreadlocks, I went to the Dread Goddess at Akemi Salon in Portland. I wrote about it here on my blog.

It warmed my heart when I was approached a few times at Squam by some lovelies that wanted to share with me they understood why I did what I did. They got that getting dreads for me was so much more than a change of hairstyle. That I had been associating my beauty with my long flowing hair and have been hiding behind it a bit. It was absolutely refreshing to walk around Squam and not care what my hair looked like or not spend time making it look lovely. I am hardly consumed with my hair now and I can put my energy towards heart things. It is also so many other things to me but I have already shared it all here before.

Well, I hope this helps. It has been fun getting in contact with dread lovelies all around the world and sharing the wisdom and emotions and the support. It is an interesting and unique process to go through and it so helps to not feel alone. That may sound dramatic but truly…having a bunch of knotty ropes on your head can really bring up some interesting stuff people! ; )

elizabeth maccrellish {blue poppy}, canon 50d

“What we see isn’t in things, but in our souls.”
~ Salvador Dali

Elizabeth is the brainchild behind Squam Art Workshops, she is the creator of all things Squamesque. She had a vision, she followed the dream, she gathered like minded spirits to make it happen and last year was the first try. Now it is a revolution drawing kindred spirits from all around the world. It is a dazzling woodsy art gathering of all things creative and soulful. She took the leap and now because of her bravery, we have all been inspired to spread our wings.

Most Squamettes see her gracefully running around all week, checking in with students and teachers and camp staff to make sure all is well and flowing as it should be. Because she is the director so to speak, she doesn’t have the luxury of gazing at stars on the dock or resting on a hill overlooking the lake or breaking bread with those she’s been longing to connect with. Of course she is okay with this. She is one of the most selfless souls I know. Stepping back and observing all that is transpiring and seeing the beauty of what lies in front of her is what fills her soul during those five days. I liken it to the conductor of an orchestra. She gently guides, yet encourages each of us to play our instrument and create gorgeous harmonies together.

Elizabeth and I set aside some time together for a photo session away from Squam. She drove me to her breathtaking home in the woods, at the end of a woodsy road, overlooking Squam Lake. “This is me…this is who I am…I am a drowsy fabulist, you know…” she said to me with her arms wide open as to show me the view around her home. It is a side of her that most do not see and I felt honored, so honored to witness her melt into her couch out on her porch and snuggle her puppies and take deep long breaths and close her eyes. No one was calling her name. No one was needing her direction or her positive peace-keeping energy. It was just her and me and the breeze and silence. She let me lay her down in quiet and stroke her forehead so that she would release. She let me twirl her hair with my fingertips and place the curls where they were prettiest. “Yes, this is who you are, Elizabeth…a serene, soft, beautiful, peaceful, soulful, changer of hearts and souls…”.

Even writing about it, I have tears. Those few hours were a precious gift to me. I needed some time away from the overwhelming outpouring of love that is Squam. I needed a safe place to digest it all. I needed to be reminded of why I do what I do. Why this is my gift…seeing people and allowing them to feel seen and understood and with it all…feel truly magnificently beautiful in front of my lens.

When we were finished with the session, we sat in her kitchen drinking spicy hot cocoa and sharing what the last few days had made surface in our hearts. We talked about our dreams we are now inspired to manifest. I remember how she was sitting there on the kitchen stool with a glow around her…she was almost whispering to me. It made me realize how very much she gave to all of us at Squam when her natural way of being is in such quiet, such meditation in her home. At times our eyes would well up with tears in those moments we felt safe to tell one another what we loved about each other. There is something about the magic of the woods that lets these thoughts spill. Thoughts you may otherwise keep to yourself. But in these woods, in the walls of her bright windowed home, it seems senseless to not share such things.

On the last morning at breakfast, she came up to the table where I was eating. She kneeled down on the ground and while looking up at me with her crystal blue eyes said; “You opened me up…” and she had tears. Then I had tears and we hugged and that is all that needed to be said.

On the plane ride home, I kept thinking to myself…“I wish others at Squam could see this side of her…the drowsy fabulist that she knows herself to be.”

Then, a few days later, I saw this photo when I uploaded it to my computer and I put my hand on my heart and took a deep breath and called my husband over and said…“This is her…this is Elizabeth.”

cedar & me today

I know this photo is completely out of focus and the Buddha art on our wall is hanging crooked (which is awesome…just keeping it real) but I just had to post it because of Cedar’s expression as soon as he saw the red timer light on the camera. He is SUCH a little ham when we start clicking. Perhaps because he’s had this huge black lens shoved in his face since the moment he was born.

Today he is 10 months old and I just feel the need to share about him. Over the last few days since I arrived home from Squam, we’ve been a bit attached to the hip. I had never been apart from him since birth (with the exception of errands and a few 2 hour dates with the hubs). We went from always being together to five days not together and it was tough on our hearts. Although being surrounded by artists and girlfriends in the woods was so healing and needed for mommy to rejuvenate, at night when all was quiet, I was deeply missing my boy and silently shed some tears in my pillow. We have a deep bond, him and I…and it goes beyond the mother/son relationship of fulfilling basic needs. He has this old soul spirit about him and being in his presence is so healing (and addicting). Its the spirit I was always connected to long before he came into my life but now he’s just in the flesh. My family jokes around about calling him “baby Jesus” because he just seems to heal those he comes in contact with…both strangers and loved ones.

He did wonderful with daddy and Omi while mommy was away. So wonderful that a vulnerable part of me wondered if I was imagining this close connection him and I shared. I was happy that all was going well and that he was taking long naps and smiling, laughing and living brightly during those days without me but the selfish, irrational part of me wanted to be missed. I didn’t know what to expect when seeing him at the airport. Would he just glance away? Would he ignore me? Be resentful that I left? Indifferent? These were fears I shared with a few cabinmates while snuggled up on our beds eating chips, hummus, cheese and grapes. Tears were shed as I shared how important it is I feel connected to him as a mother, especially being that I didn’t carry or birth him. When these emotions surfaced, they surprised me but they needed to spill and they were received with such gentle open arms in the four walls of my cabin room.

So, the day I arrived home I was hanging out at baggage claim and I felt a poke in my back and I turned around to see my gorgeous tall husband standing there holding Cedar. Cedar was in an adorable pageboy hat with his big soulful eyes and he smiled big and said “mum!” with his hand stretched towards me. I melted…totally utterly melted. I grabbed him, kissed my husband romantically good and then didn’t let go of Cedar the rest of the night. Boho Boy and I were cracking up at how joyful he was that I was home. He even squealed when I’d look over at him on the drive home from the airport. Okay, okay…so, we do have a deep connection and I was just being silly. Note to self: trust your heart.

Saying “mum” so clearly was a wee milestone for Cedar. He hasn’t said words yet. He does the typical…“babababa“ or “mumumumum“ or other similar sounds. So, it was a delicious moment. A woman standing near us at baggage claim leaned towards us and said “that was priceless…all is better now.” She saw me tearing up as I held him.

Another thing I wanted to share about Cedar that I find adorably cute is that he is a scooter. He refuses to crawl and all he wants to do is scoot, scoot, scoot on his bubble butt all around our hardwood floors. Its hilarious to watch. Must get it on video for you folks.

And lastly…he has the best chunker legs ever. He fits into 12 months pants and that rocks my world. So much to snuggle and squeeze and nibble.

Today I took him to Whole Foods and this dude covered in tattoos head to toe (and all around his face) approached us. He placed his head down close to Cedar’s and said “you’re the most adorable guy I’ve ever seen” and where I think most babies (and mommies) might have pulled back because lets be honest, this man looked a bit scary, Cedar put his hands up to his face to stroke his cheek. The dude got all misty and it made me misty. Seriously…baby Jesus, right? ; )

Happy 10 months baby…you truly are the brightest beacon in our lives.