Boho Girl

cedar and me doing kissy face, taken with phone

Yesterday felt so romantic with my boy. My wee boy. My lil‘ son (I still get goosebumps saying this).

All day we had the windows open so that the cool, crisp breeze came through. We listened to the album “Now the day is Over” by The Innocence Mission. Very melty. Soft. Dreamy. The kind of melodies that take you away into a puffy cloud way of being.

We danced, holding one another, swaying back and forth. We laid side by side, looking at one another, gazing, smiling, touching foreheads, breathing in one another’s scents.

We went on a walk and stared up into trees. Listened to birds. I love seeing his face light up when a bird flies over him. I am rediscovering the world around me because of his soul.

Then, when I went to check in on him because his nap was way longer than it normally was, there in the dark, in his crib, when I squinted, I saw two huge eyes looking at me. It startled me. Then I realized how very adorable it was. That he was just lying there quietly looking up at the stars (we have a turtle that projects stars onto the ceiling). And I started laughing so hard, which made him laugh so hard. The kind of laughter where you start tearing up because you can’t stop and then when I picked him up from his crib, I held him laughing and then I started to cry. Cry because I love him so, so very much it hurts.

He causes every emotion in me, every day and I appreciate every bitty morsel. Every one. And every bit of him.

The photo above was taken as a picture/text message to send to my family. It was taken in the middle of our long, romantic hours spent together.

He has such a soft, sweet, intuitive spirit for a being so young…and I feel beyond honored to be his mother. I am beginning to grasp that our long journey was to prepare for a very special child. He has plans.

swirly and cedar

There is no way to avoid the fact that as long as Cedar hangs with my crowd, he is going to be a goof. It was wonderful having the magical Swirly Girl in our home. So many laughs that were much needed for both of us…but also beautiful conversations about how we can be our kindest and truest selves in all areas of our lives.

Last night, after we ate (and drooled over) the DELICIOUS dinner she made and left for us, Boho Boy, Boho Baby and I snuggled in bed reading one of the many beautifully illustrated children’s books that she gave to Cedar. She even spreads magic when she leaves.

Speaking of our home, we’ve recently been told that the atmosphere here is like one huge bong hit. ; ) That totally cracks us up.

stacy anne + bella wish in my home, canon 50d

Since having Cedar, I have been a bit shy about having company stay over other than family. I think in the beginning, it was all about our need to be in a love bubble. Our very precious time of bonding as a family with our new addition. Our new addition with a very special story in how he came into our tribe. Then I think the shyness came from our lack of sleep and inability to hold a decent conversation. We were just in survival mode and could barely function outside of the simple needs of the three of us in our home. Now I think my shyness about having company is that throughout my entire life, when I am with people, I prefer to be really present. I am the one that locks eyes and stays focused and listens well and creates a soothing atmosphere for my guests. A time of refuge and calm. A time to escape and indulge in self care and self love. I just couldn’t fathom being able to give that to my guests when my attention, intentions and focus is always on Cedar and his needs. What would I do if I couldn’t lock eyes while sharing? Couldn’t fully listen because he starts to fuss mid conversation or needs to be rocked or taken away to soothe him to sleep? It has actually been breaking my heart that I haven’t been able to give the attention to my loved ones, friends, family that I so love to give. Although Cedar is so worth it and everyone has been so entirely gentle and understanding…it is still a process for me to find the balance of caring for him and caring for them the way I desire to.

So, with all of this said, I haven’t had many visitors but last week, I felt a bit ready to try. To dip my toes in and see what I am like now when my attention is also on someone else other than the person I am sharing with. I have been missing, craving my girlfriends and connecting on other levels that fill me up other than just being a mommy to my sweet son. I feel it is so important to him, to me, to my husband that I not lose those other parts of me that make me who I am as a 37 year old first time mother-woman. ; )

Stacy is that kind of soul-friend that you feel you can be all things with and still feel so utterly accepted and comfortable in her presence. She is much like me in that she has a quiet energy, soothing and fully present when someone is sharing with her. So, I know she’s been struggling with this balance in her own world, which is why I felt safe to have her here and practice with her, knowing she has been trying on this new way of being as well.

It was wonderful. So wonderful to have her here and to jump between talking about poopie diapers, all of the embarrassing things that happen to new moms and then to our businesses and what we feel passionate about in regards to our art. Between it all, we were stopping mid conversation to play with our babes, feed them, change them, roll around with them, take photos and films. It was the perfect balance of what we needed and now I think we both feel ready to bring more of it into our lives. Since Bella is almost 8 months older, Stacy was guiding me and reassuring me just by me observing how relaxed and calm she was going from one Bella need to the next while still helping me to feel listened to. I was happy and open to learn from her.

As I have shared before, Stacy and I have been through a rough road on the journey to find our children. So, to have her and her magical daughter here in my home was so very surreal. The reality of it caught us off guard so many times as we flashed back to the plethora of emails and phone calls and conversations over wine we shared of tears, anger, hurt, longing, sorrow and grief. And now…now there they were sitting/laying on a blanket together, sharing toys, staring at one another, comfy with one another right away, as if they’ve known one another for years. I wouldn’t doubt that they did hang out wherever baby spirits hang together before they come into the lives of those longing for them.

I loved how we caught Cedar learning from his older friend. He started to make different sounds and scoot across the floor a bit faster. He was so entertained and enthralled with Bella and observed her intensely. We are grateful that Bella Boo Bear spread some wisdom his way.

And the coolest thing was…after we put them to bed, Stacy and I snuggled down in true girly-friend fashion and watched our favorite show The L Word. See, we haven’t changed. We’re still the same gals pre-baby that used to lust over our favorite girl Shane. ; )

{Swirly is on her way to my home for a few days. See? I think my mojo is resurfacing!}

me and boho baby on the first day of sling bliss after
stacy showed me how to do it, taken with camera phone,
sorry for the crappy quality

When I imagined my baby before he came to be, I envisioned us walking everywhere, here and there with him wrapped up in a sling against my bosom. From birth until he was too big to fit, I always wanted to be able to share this experience together. Especially when we knew we were going to adopt, I thought the idea of carrying him close, would somehow make up for those months when I couldn’t carry him in the womb.

Then the first time I put him in the gorgeous newborn Asian silk sling I got years ago, he screamed piercingly so. I tried again. More screaming. I tried another sling made for me by a dear blog reader friend (which is my fave, shown above). Not so much. Our little dude just didn’t like to be confined. He would always wiggle his arms out of his Miracle Blanket and sleep with them stretched wide up above his head. He still does this. He’s our little free spirit. So, I had to let go of cradling him in a sling against my bosom. I folded the three slings I had and put them away.

We found a few carriers that we love but it still didn’t replace the yearning I had for the sling. I suppose it just felt more natural for me to do it this way as so many women have done before me for hundreds of years.

When Stacy came over last week and I saw her putting Bella in her sling sitting upright, I had forgotten that when he had head control, I could do this! This wasn’t quite as confined…so perhaps he’ll have a little more patience with it. Stacy showed me how to slip him in on my hip and voila, he was sitting up in the sling and was fully content. Funny how you feel more brave trying things when someone is near supporting every step of the way. Stacy witnessed a mushy momma moment. How very overcome with excitement I was. We decided to go on a walk with our babies on our hips. He didn’t cry once. He clung to my bosom and rested his head on my shoulder. It was bliss. It felt natural and dreamy…for both of us.

Today I tried it again. My husband and I took our weekly trip to Target to stock up on formula and these AWESOME eco-friendly diapers (can’t seem to find them anywhere else except Target and Babies R Us…weird). I decided to try it again and guess what? He fell asleep. I looked up at my husband and said “honey, we are living our dream” and Boho Boy bent down to kiss me tender and then we both sighed and kissed Cedar on his head. Delicious moment.

today…me & a sleeping boho baby, taken by boho boy with his camera phone

cedar & bella, canon 50d

I have some beautiful thoughts to share about my time last week with Stacy Anne and her daughter Bella in my home. I’ve been waiting for that perfect moment. You know…time alone, lights dim, candles lit, warm tea nearby. Sometimes in order to spill fluidly and true I need to set aside a romantic self date with those elements. But this week…it just isn’t happening. Cedar is beginning to teeth and oh my…by the end of the day I am tired to the bone. Homeopathic teething tablets, teething potions, ice and wash cloths, momma’s arm, massaging his gums, whatever it takes but the poor sweet guy has been out of sorts.

So until I get that romantic time to write, I did want to leave you with a teaser; These darling shots of our miracle babies. Miracles meaning, Stacy and I shared a roller coaster journey to our children. It brought her and I together. At times we saved one another. So, to see our children hanging as buds was pretty surreal. So many times we’d stop and look at one another and say “our babies are here!”. Sometimes teary, sometimes giggling, sometimes silence and awe.

Boho Boy has nicknamed Cedar “Sparky”. No idea where it came from but looking at these photos, it totally fits. Bella’s nickname from Stacy and Jimmy is “Boo Bear”. Hence…the title of this post. ; )

Aren’t they just the cutest together? I love how in the second photo, Cedar is checking out her cute dimply bootie. That’s our boy.

cedar, 5 months, canon 50d

The onesie says it all. ; )